I am the most wonderful, beautiful paradox ...you're the idoit.

God , I am soooo sick of  " I am a yoga doing , environmental warrior cause I have a bummer sticker" crack heads.
I live in an area that is one of the most economically depressed parts of New York. Our farmers struggle as much as the people who want to buy their products. Most would love nothing more than to feed their families better than the box dinners or fast food. Sadly , it is cheaper to go to a fast food place or even to pick up a sub at local supermarket than to feed your family decent, sound ,healthy food. Worse yet, try feeding your family all organic when they are teenage , athletic young men.

But of course , the weekend warriors with their hemp bags , seaweed protein drinks and slogan wrapped cars look down on the working mom/ dad for just trying to do right by their kids. Balancing working 10-15 hour days between probably 2 jobs sometimes 3 because they refuse to be yet another welfare family( I personally think single moms and dads who work multiple jobs to support their families and not be on welfare should be not only commended but admired) while trying to give their kids a decent balanced meal may not be rocket science to you but try doing it for $10 for family of 4 for three meals a day.

Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world where the farmers could expand their land because the crops were being used by more people and more people had better access to lower cost fresh produce and proteins. There are great supermarkets like Whole Foods that give places like Wegmans a run for their money but they are by and large expensive for most working families to shop at regularly not to mention they are sporadic in the nation of where they actually are placed in towns.

I am by and large a huge supporter of Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Wegmans and places like the Lexington Co-op. in Buffalo,Ny, the Rouge Carrot in Alfred Ny, Abundance in Rochester ,Greenstar in Ithaca(one of my favorite outside of PCC natural market in Seattle),New Paltz Natural Foods ,Karma Road (a restaurant actually that's sooo delish) and shit ton more of places in Seattle including the Fremont Sunday Market...but more about it later). Places like these need more than  just the pseudo tree huggers shopping at them but everyone. Someway , some how we as a whole nation need to place pressure on each other to say that our future, our families are more important than getting 10 cans of salty soup for $2.
Better yet, let's get rid of Wal Mart. All Wal Marts. No one can tell me that cheaply made products are better than fair trade , handmade or recycled clothes.

Ok... I will admit that my undies are from target. My bathing suit too ,if of course ,I finally get one this year. And I have and like nice things. But nice things can also be hand made( think etsy) or from companies that have high sustainable and environmental standards. All our standards need to be a bit more higher and a lot more consistent.

It is not enough to be the occasional environmentalist or when it's convenient  for you because you want to keep up with the cool trend . Even worse , you get some odd thrill knowing people think your cool for being so into the environment..seriously I know some odd people( and I get it pot calling kettle black...yeah,yeah move on.)

Look... Shut up and just do it. And for Jesus , Mary and Joesph Stalin, recycle, reuse and give back.
And stop judging those that are not all " I  only eat  unpasteurized milk with my hemp oatmeal" like you and your bumper sticker crack head so called life cause frankly, you're an asshole.

Teach those who need help, embrace a simpler way of living and understand another persons life so that you can better your own with compassion.



So many people lack compassion......









Oh and laugh, for fuck sake laugh. You're only a unicorn once.

You'll stumble in my pudding.

I should be a better hostess of my blog. I know , I know.

I wish I could blame something of importance like work or illness, death in the family or broken heart. But honestly , though some of that has happen(and some hasn't) I have just been lazy , actually.

Well ,lazy and depressed but the depression has made me lethargic and unable to feel any sort of joy one feels when expressing joy of their passion. And I do have a great sense of joy when I cook or talk about cooking / food. 

I hit rock bottom 3 years ago after tailspining out of control for a few years ; going into a really bad depression that felt like it was never going to end. That is  untill my best friend said in her all nice way,"cut the fucking shit and get back into therapy".

So,three therapist later( yeah...in a year I am on my third therapist , problem?) and I have learned many things.

Like I suck at arts and crafts. Ok, maybe the craft part. The art part I think I am pretty good at. I will never be a fantastic artist but hey, my parents actually still put my stuff up in their house in a nice frame. If that isn't parental support , I don't know what is. But I am not a knitter or a scrapbooker. Augh, I get hives just thinking about it.

I figured out I am a hunter of sorts... Mostly of cool and odd antiques. I love digging around and riffling through shit to find that odd little piece that someone is selling cheap because they have no idea what it is. Clothes and jewelry have always been on my lists but now it's decent vinyl and home stuff like kitchen gadgets or bar wear ; more unusual the better.        

I also learned I take on to much responsibility for other peoples happiness and yet care so little for my own or for my own well being. In other words; I don't use my big girl words. Like stop to no. Or worse, please help me.  Though my favorite right now is ," can you please just give me 5 minutes to think in silence". 

One problem ( yes ,one....I am to tired to indulge you with all my newly discovered problems or as I like to call them quirks) if you can call it that , is that I don't like being groped. I thought it was an insecurity or self esteem etc . Turns out ,not it. I just was man handled so many times as a young, female cook that it actually turns my stomach when someone smacks my ass or grabs at me. The worse is having a male cook rub up on me( to bad there is no sound on here cause I just dry heaved ). I am sure other young ,female cooks have endured this. Heck , probably even some male cooks. Personally,I have   never done this to any of my staff, ever. Sadly, I have had some of my colleges in my present job rub up on me and just took it; laughing it off cause  god forbid I act like a lady and get repulsed by their action. Then I am a bitch or a ...( cover your eyes) cunt.

Though one day , one of them will find a shank in their wieners.

By shank , I mean a lamb shank..( I was going to make a joke here but my mind drifted off to a delish lamb shank braised in a pilsner for 8 hours then coated with a mustard ,gherkin  and Demi sauce. And hot , buttery spaetzl . Mmmmmmmmmmmmm)

I surrender all control, to the desire that consumes me whole.....

So, I am moving.

Well, actually I already did. I moved to another town(?) I guess one could call it. It really is more of a village though one has to to scratch ones head at the concept of villiage, town and city around here. But besides this curious notion, I have moved into "town"but not to where I like to be.

I always thought I was an east coast gal. I spent all but 4 years on the east coast from Floridia to New York. There were many teenaged summers spent in Toronto and many more trips to Montreal and NYC as a young adult. It wasn't till I was married and my ex wanted a change after living in Florida for four years that the west coast become my home.

Side note here: you will see a pattern emerge if you haven't already when it came to me and the person I was in a relationship with in regardes to where I lived.

We  moved to the Seattle area and I knew that was it for me:I had found my home away from home. If it wasn't for the fact I was in a terrible place while separating from my husband, I would still be there. But ,I came back to NYS....blah.

Since 2012 , I have been getting into my families mind that once my kid graduated high school I was leaving. Nothing..not a amazing job nor a man would keep me from leaving. Only exception would be a parent dying and then it would just be me moving them out there, too.

Before 2012 ,I going to move to Chicago with my then boyfriend. I was never  really interested in moving there but I had that idealistic view of " he made sacrifices for me, so what the hell as long as we are together". It's not that I don't like Chicago. Of the times I have been there ,kit's been great. I just hate cold, harsh winters. Now the food scene is amazing . But this is why I want to move to Portland. 

The awesome food scene. And there a lot of cities with amazing food scenes, like Austin,NYC ,London, Berlin and Seattle to name a few. But Portland , like Seattle, there is something to it. The city itself lends to a great food scene that is not just a fad or trend. It's an area where I could do anything for a living via my chosen profession.

I am lucky to have a career that enables me to do anything in the food industry. One idea I had contemplated when I was with my ex bf was a  traveling food writer. But one where the two of us backpacked it in Europe to experience the smaller , not as well known side of food. My ex is a much better wordsmith than myself and I envisioned he would be the writer of what I was saying as we experienced food through a low budget , two "kids" kicking it around Europe. My real incentive for the ex to go with me  was we go to a lot of soccer matches  while traveling. I suppose that just getting out of town and spending months with me might have needed a little more draw to it...lol .
But best laid plans and all......that idea is shelved for now for many reasons. All of them,of course, valid but at same time , I win the mega ball and you would only hear from me via this blog.

Maybe with my millions I can spend the rest of my days traveling everywhere and eating / drinking then calling my parents for bail money .

All I need is a dollar...

And to dare the impossible dream.....

But more so, I need a dollar.

Waves of Regret, Waves of Joy......

So work...yeah.

So , where I work is going through some major changes. Some on the surface, so behind the scenes. I know a lot of what is going on and I don't press my big boss that much because sometimes less is more . There are times I was left in the dark on purpose to either save face, or for me not to have the ability to react ahead of time. I tend to react quickly and sometimes it works against me. This I was told just the other when it was explained to me this very thing.

But anyhow.....I am now dealing with another unit and it's not so much a mess but boy it could stand for a good shake up. It was suppose to happen but cake got crushed and I am gluing shit back together.  The challenge is getting my staff on board and worse mangers. Lord save me.

Staff so far ...at least to my face are on board. Go staff!!! The gaggle is responding. Next is to actually make some cash.


Did you hear that? It was my head hitting the wall repeatedly. It is what happens when I talk to people who are dumb and want to stay boring and become complacent .  I am already bored and have to keep myself amused.

Did I mention I have been making espresso milkshakes?  And I made kale chips and you would have thought baby Jesus rolled into town. I actually can't wait to see what I come up with...lol . I am stealing many ideas I " helped" with at the other retail unit..(when I say helped , really my manager was bored like me and did stuff that kept him amused and I just said.."ok...but can I help, pretty please"). Some of the things, I am like, duh come on people.

This week has definitely been interesting. I also got my original office back and learned my sous chef was not doing his job.

Go team!!


Oh and I got tossed under the bus  by a manager. To bad it didn't actually do any damage to me. Dumb, really ,really dumb move on their half.  Things can get petty very quickly around there.  Thankfully , even though I have gained some weight back, I can still run with the big boys.

Bad,Mad and way to Fat.

Yes…I am fat.

There, I have owned up to it. I am an overweight women. 

I struggle almost everyday of my existence dealing with my weight. I have lost huge amounts ( two times I have lost over 100lbs) and both times either gained all the weight back or a good part of it. I am not so much as ashamed as frustrated with my own dumbness.My best friend has pointed out this is the way of G. I lose a lot of weight …not the right way and then gain a majority of it back. Then I get mad and frustrated and gain more weight(she didn’t say that part, I did)

I know they say that you will only be successful at something if you really want it and by golly , it’s true. Now, no one is shoveling food down my throat or tieing me to a chair( though,Rawr…bring it on) so, my fatness is all on me. Not my mom ordad , not my ex husbands or my ex boyfriend. I could say  the lack of support from the ex husband or the emotional tie I  formed with food when I was with my ex boyfriend were reasons as I am sure these were spoken from me at one time( I say a lot things in my life, a lot of what I say is dumb ). But honestly, IT is all on me.  

I have said this that or whatever to justify my fatness or my crazy diets. I have been on many too. Nutrisystem, WW, Atkins, Hey, let’s starve ourselves, Grapefruit diet and my personal favorite: Break up of Relationship diet.  They all work for a short term and that’s all I cared about. Let me look good in a few weeks. Let me show off that I am not such a loser fatty. I had issues, I will admit. Most have been worked through but this damn weight. It is like a noose around my neck. I was looking hot last summer and then….fuckk all I gained 30 lbs back.

I love to say it was cause I was madly in love . I am happy but far from in love. So, as with many people who struggle with their weight, I am back at it. Stress at work and such doesn’t help but that is the least of my problems. My problem is really just me. I am a lazy dieter. The food I can handle. It’s the exercise for exercise sake…blah. I like to hike, swim and play tennis. Hell, I will even play soccer or volleyball. But running on a treadmill or the elliptical are soooo boring. Now, if I could be chasing after something or running away from something, I might move my ass .

So ,here I am again. It is January and I need to get rid of my final 80lbs ( 40 I gained and the 40 I was suppose to lose). It will be a struggle because of my own stubborn brain wants to drink beer and cook all day. But those who know me have seen me on the other side of my stubbornness…ie thinner. I am not even looking to be a rail. Just like to be a size where I was last summer maybe even 10 lbs lighter or 20.

But all boils down to two things:

JUST FUCKIN DO IT!!!

Ok, that’s just one thing. But that is really all to it. Move your body and eat better. Pretty damn simple. And stop with the diets because they don’t work. 1300 to 1800cal a day  for women, depending on your activity level( to lose weight). Do HIIT workouts with weight training, it is all pretty simple. Go on Pinterest  for god sake and get tons of information.  I am also very lucky to have a few friends also working on weight loss ,which is a wonderful thing to have some support. But in the end, it’s on me whether I will be this weight or if I can grow a set and lose the weight .Only time will tell , I guess.

But for right this moment, I am a fat women. Of course, I am also a sensual, intelligent ,beautiful women that can cook you under the table . And those are my constants, they never change. Well, except I will probably get more sensual, more intelligent and more beautiful as I get older.

My weight is not what defines me. I could be 300lbs and will still be all of the above.

My favorite new food 

Red Pepper tortillas

All natural and pack full of flavor

I am not a natural writer as evident in the blog. I don't even pretend to be even a decent one. But it will never stop me from writing or growing as a writer. I don't have huge aspirations to even be a writer of a well received anything. I just want to say what is on my mind. I don't get to express my thoughts about food and music or whatever to many people in real life mostly because of geography and also ,the people I hangish out with are more interested in idle gossip..BORING!

So , I have chosen to basically talk to myself here. I don't mind. At least I can go on and on about the merits of a making  demi glacé from scratch or why Till's thighs make me want to climb him like a tree. I would hope  though, in someway ,that you get a kick out of what I talk about ,maybe learn something or just shake your head in pure amusement . I have been , well, not in a great place the past couple of years. I have my smile, my laughter and I guess the person I forgotten I was. I used to define myself as everything but Gretchen....the most important definition of me is her( I just spoke of myself in the third person...geez, wonder what the therapist would say to that). That's why I want to write more now:I am pretty damn interesting and the  very least, like I said,I will amuse you with my words.


So , as always, bear with me  when it comes to the spelling and grammar. It will get better, I swear.
There are not many things I am really good at except cooking, useless music stuff and mindless trivia but this... This is something I want to be good at.

On a side note, I so don't want to work tomorrow . Big day for me and staff: New beginnings and all that sentimental bullshit. Blah.


Can I just run off with the first wagon of gypsies? I bet you would get a good price for me.

Words are meaningless, And forgettable ....

I was reading a blurb of an article that spoke of a recent study that observed a group of men starting in their 40's till their 70 s and  the effects of drinking more than two pints of beer a day 

Conclusion:

They had memory loss.Signficiante!!!!!!

Well, no shit. 

Thanks for wasting money on something one only has to observe , as a laymen, on any Friday or Saturday night. Well, befriend a cook and you will no doubt see the effects of beer of their tiny brains.

And it was only the gents who had signficant deterioration of memory ,verbal fluency and mathematical ability. The ladies had some loss but not enough to warrant it being included in the report...bless

So basically, be a drunk in your 20's and 30's because when you hit your 40's , it's all over. 

Bahahahahahaha.hahahahahahahaha

Not to mention the liver disease ...but phish. Memory loss will make you forget you have liver cancer or cirrhosis , so your fine

Have a pint on me.

Would I stay here forever and not be satisfied?

I ammmmmm back!

Did you miss me?

I am sure you did. What with holidays and nonsense that ensues during parties and gatherings, I am probably that light......that  joy , you reach for before stumbling into a bed of a bewildered one night stand or annoyed partner/ spouse whose evil eye peers in the dark ,batting at the light of your phone or iPad as you search your feed or twitter for one ounce of the little joy I bring to your lonely life.

Then again   I could just be an amusement ...an added joy to an already joyous life. My part being played as a silent( silent ,she says) nomad that blisters across the tundra of these passing days with words of grace, beauty and above all sillness . Words echoing light and dark , of a past life that was lived in the shadows ; now an arm, a leg , a untangled soul stretched out of a crumpled mess .

So ,here I am again. 

Freshly scrubbed of the years dirt and ready to be bold  in a way that will make you smile. You will feel compelled to speak, to converse, to riddle me with questions that I openly answers .

I will be your 

Maestro 

Athro

Lehrer

Laerer

Sensia

Guru

Or I am just a women with a duck on her head.

But it tastes like warm ,squishy tasteless baby food!!

I don't like soup.

I am very serious. 

Now, I know I am in the minority here just like my distaste for Depeche Mode's apparently best ever Lp , Violator( that is a whole other bag of worms we might or might not wonder into ). But I have never been one to go " Oh gee.  I have a hankering for warm ,gushie baby food".  The idea of it is repulsive. The warmth and the overly softness of the vegetables. Christ, just writing it down makes my reflex muscle go into action. The worst part is I make really, really good soups. But then again. I make really good food in general. But I have a knack for soup making  that has puzzled many over the 30 plus years I have been cooking.

Soup making is like any cooking "style" really. There are certain aspects that need to be observed in order to produce a end product that is not greasy, cooked but not mushy and all very yummy.

Yummy,FYI, is a defined culinary word meaning tastes ,well , yummy.

The biggest mistake people make is using to much "fat" to sauté the mire poix and not drain excess fat from meats that were cooked in the pot. 

Mire poix is basically carrots, onions and celery. It can vary slightly with the substitution of leeks for onions. 99% of all savory dishes have a form of this holy trinity.  It has been around since the dawn of the days and cooking.And no matter what soup you make you will always use these three as the base. 

Other key ideas.....sauté onions and if using, garlic. Cook till light brown in order to bring out the natural sugars . Then add dry herbs and spices and rest of non liquid ingredients. Deglaze with with or vinegar to get all the fond off bottom of pan....

The fond is that sticky , crispy , non burnt particles, on the bottom of the pot. This is flavor as along as it is not burnt.

Then add you stock...simmer, thicken if need be and season with kosher or sea salt and pepper.. Soup on the whole should only take 45 minutes to an hour from start to completion to make...that includes cutting time. It's one of the easiest meals to make and is a super neato way to use leftovers.

I will admit I adore Campbell's chicken noodle...the original only. Don't give me this stars bullahit or Homestyles poo. I want original, overly salty chicken noodle. I also like Harry's clam chowder that you can only get in Washington State. I used to ride the ferries a lot  and would always get some at the little dock stop. So tacky but ohhh so Delish!

I am actually finding that as I get older , my preferences for food is getting sharper. I am to just inhaling foods or not paying attention to what I eat. ..personally at home. But that I am cooking more at home and experimenting with diverse product and condiments.

But sorry.... No way in hell anyone is going to convince me that a big bowl of soup is better than a MR ribeye with au gratin potatoes or a big bowl of udon and duck!

And no , Violator may have Halo but Black Celebration has, well, has all the AWESOME songs!!!!!! That's why it kicks Violator in the backside...any day to night!!!

I am a  weird Depeche fan.... I have a card that says so.

Big knockers

 I have been reading a lot of poetry lately .Two poets that are new to me are Warsan Shire and Andrea Gibson

Warsan's work is amazing..it's hard for me to convay  here how beautiful she strings words together and brings all sorts of emotions to surface. You are drawn into a world of sensuality , darkness and rawness. You almost want to cover your eyes but are compelled to read on because of the richness of her prose.

I highly recommend " Teaching my mother how to give birth" as an introduction.

Below is a beautiful poem

"for women who are 'difficult' to love."

"you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."

Andrea Gibson is similar to Nicole Blackman..." Raw, in your face , fuck you if you don't like ,it deal with it  ... Hold on cause I will see you on the other side "poetry.

---

Her books " Pole Dancing to Gospel Hymns" and " The Madness Vase" are some deep dark bone emotional crushing verses.

http://www.andreagibson.org/poems/ go here to hear her read some of her poetry...

Fourth one down......is just WOW!

Go...didn't I tell you to go? 

Seriously....go be all educated .

You're just a big ball of pork fat and beer

Now , just wait a second....

Ok, what was I actually going to say? Literally have no idea of what the hell I was going to say.

Seriously, I had this whole awesome rant in my head...augh!

Oh yeah....

I miss restaurant work. I miss the crush of the night when the dupes are screaming at you and you're sweating like a  gutted pig. Then a shithead  customer ,who knows nothing about good food ,sends back a perfect beef tenderloin and wants us to basically burn it.

Ummm fuck you the customer is not always right. 

I so hate people who have not taken the time to educate themselves about food, wine, beer etc and then act like super cool hipsters who think dried out steak is awesome.  Food is simple and graceful. There is a beauty and honesty in food. It is not just fuel for us . It's a source of joy and pleasure . It's sinful and ballsy. It as live and destruction all rolled into one.

And not to be a huge dick,but most of you can't cook to save your lives. I mean I am a lazy cook at home but when I cook I am pretty fucking beyond amazing. I can even say that with  a  straight face. What's worse is that I live in an area where i don't even have to try and I am better than 99%. 

My problem is boredom. 

I literally have to entertain myself with thinking stuff up so I can try it just to see if it will work. It's not like I am not occupied by other dumb stuff like paper work...a very evil word to me. It is just I need to entert myself so I won't kill someone there are times when I should just stop but mostly I like to see how far I can go...lol

Right now it's gelato and fresh pasta.....Black pasta and bourbon potato chip gelato....

let the good times roooooooll

Giant sweaty anus or Ode to My Beasties

I have a heavy head. And yes ,I meant beasties.

Well, my head isn't heavy but my brain is . Probably a little extreme on my behalf ,but I do have some artistic license here.

I am sure by now you all know I think..and I think a lot. My friend Dan, who is actually sort of my superior, also is afflicted with this problem. I am beginning to think that certain types of ...people ,passionate people, have this "problem" . We just simple can not turn off our brains. It's not that we can't relax. 

Trust me....this whiskey sour is awesome right now.

It's just our minds refuse to give us rest as we try to sleep. And while I can't speak for anyone else, it's not just work related things....it's everything. I will say one thing though is that I personally don't over think or analyze things like I used to. God, that would just leave me exhausted.

My best friend David thinks that because of my bipolar that my mind simple can't not shut down. That it's on edge all the time, but not as a bad thing. I snorted my wine when he said that and his wife smacked him  ,accusing him of being mean to me. But in essence ,he is on to something. Now mind you when I told him a dream I had about killing myself and then changing my mind he had this crazy ass explanation . Not just simple, I wanted drastic changes in my life but was hesitant at the moment..lol

With the bipolar, your mind races a lot and its hard to just quiet it all down. Some folks get medicine to help and that's perfect. I found it made me want to hurt myself when I was on them and I have tried many( happy pills not like heroin). To each their own. Do what helps you meds,therapy both.

Ohhhhh

So another thing me and David talked about are these apps that tell people where you are. Why can't you just tell people where you are via texting. I mean seriously, are you lost? Shall I send the rescue dogs?

Do you really think people care that your having a cup of tea around the corner from your house? Good job! You were able to get up, get dressed and walk a block for TEA!

I actually just made myself laugh there. Stupid , I say.

So...everyone I think should have a male and female best friend....I for one have it and its actually pretty damn great. My eldest friend is my bf ,Shelly. I have known her for a very,very long time. I was in my early thirties when we meet ...lol I am not anymore. My male is my friend David. David is just as awesome mainly cause he is another chef and has a wife named Michelle. Not the same Michelle but seriously how is that possible . And she drives the same car as me...and their daughter is named with one of my favorite girl names! 

Both BFs are completely nuts like me...in a love able  ,harmless way lol. David and I were fast friends in person  friends. You know when you click with someone... Like not romantically but like.."sweet Jesus he actually gets me" sort of way. This is me and David. Two peas in a pod. It might be cause we are high strung nerd cakes, we just bonded quickly. Of course...two quickly for others not to gossip. I actually turned  on him towards the end. I can't just stop talking to him, I had to just push him hard away. And i hurt him and he Was pissed ..It sucked too. But luckily , when stuff was going a while ago, he came back into my life and made me promise never to be a dick a again...lol. He offered me an exceptional job too. I wish I could take it . It is as close to my ideal job as I could possibly want.

My best gal Shelly is exceptional. She has been the lifeline. If it wasn't for her , I would not be here. She is my anchor and she knows me the best and knows everything. My ex bf didnt even get the really dirty to the core me, only the person I appear to be.

Not much else to say about her. She makes me laugh at myself and she makes me cry too. 

I am sooo tired right now. Work is kicking my ass. I am being told things right now at work and some of it is about me and some about others and I think the latter is what has my head on fire a lot. There is stuff that will be happening soon and I am getting prepared for a role that I will helpfully be asked to assume.

I have read through this post and should probably erase it and the ramblings. But then what the hell is the point then. The blog is about me and my madness as a chef and person. I like my weirdness . I enjoy my quiet soul and my gray roots. The deep lines from years of laughing hard .

You know what.....it's just time to exhale.

Did you hear that? 

I let gas escape my bum...heheheheh 

Good Intentions

Good Intentions

Surrounded by forces I cannot control

With desire to push through 

To the darkness and light as 

Burning pulses my soul

Trapped in a space

In a box

Punch through the air 

With 

Exhausting 

Feverish 

 Intoxicating strength

Gasping for the mighty air streaming down

As it catches my fall

Exiting the shadows

With a leap

And a bound

Of joyous laughter

I was handed

The desire of a new

Has caged me

And I am tied

Happily bound

A restless body hides a peaceful soul....

Sometimes I don't know what to say. I am not sure if it is my mind working overtime or really just an empty void of the moment. 

Despite my outgoing personality, I am actually quite shy. Not in the I never speak to anyone when I am out, I just get quite around new situations and people. I like to watch people and see how they interact and what the mood is before I join in. I have a strong personality that can come off badly, so I do try to be a situational personality sort of girl.

Basically, I am not myself. And you know, it rather sucks.  I don't even think I am actually me with anyone except my best girlfriend and we sort of had to let all the freakness hang out when we spent a week in Mexico together...lol . I don't know if it is a fear or self esteem thing. It could be , who knows. Maybe it's a learned thing because of my job. There is no place for swearing or kitchen talk when dealing with clients , so you have to change yourself. 

Then there is meeting men ( since I am of the lady folk kind). Unless they are cooks or chefs, most are turned off by a strong willed, smart, HOT, bitchy, sarcastic ,geek of a women. So, there is a personality change there. Or maybe I just smell...

But it is tiring to have to keep changing or toning myself down. I was miserable for a long time because I felt I couldn't just be me....I have quirks. I am a strong ,capable person who happens to have a vagina.( a very nice one, I might add and yes, I know  TMF....blah blah.) I am surprisingly very girly too. I like it when a strong man "rescues " me from my stupidity. It feels great to be taken care of in that way. 

....  Or maybe because I turned 42 recently and figured out  that ,while this year I have changed a lot both mentally and physically,the real me has not been fully utilized.

So , instead of whining any further about it, I am just going to be exactly who I am.....

ME!

I think it was the wedding I just catered that has helped push me over the edge a bit. Lots of things went wrong and way to many people chattering. I was just trying to keep everything calm and collective. I was lucky to have a few people on hand that all I had to do is give a look( not a mean or upset one just " you're the smartest person besides me ,please help me" look and they knew what I needed done. ) It went well for us despite no lights, cold and down pour rain, working outside and running food in the mud. But they were a great group and in my 28 years of doing this was my favorite wedding. The wedding planner even said he do my wedding .

(Side note...it was a really awesome wedding that I will do a post about ...waiting for photos from the wedding party..somehow we didn't get any of the food tables. )

I actually feel in love with my passions again. I feel alive and energized because I know I am  pretty damn awesome at my job..... I just needed to cook more.

Creating something out of bits of pieces .....without thinking, just doing, this is what separates people who cook and people who cook with passion.

I leave you with this .... I was actually sent this last week...it literally made me LOL

Be careful what you do, because life becomes the truth.....

Maybe it's the heat, lack of carbs ,or the running every day , but people are on my last nerves these days. Not everyone of course, but enough of the small amount of the human race right now has me plotting several burials in my garlic bed.

The heat has been bad here. With no AC at work or home, fans are lowing a lot of hot air back out the window..then there is the heat...bahahahahahahahaha.

I'll get my hat.

I swear I am not drunk. Not even a drop.

Maybe....

Everlasting Gobstopper

I am in the middle of my extraordinary life. 

I think I need a cheeseburger.....0hhhhh donar kebab !!!!!

Maybe lay off the meditation music a bit. 

Crispy... like a piece of over baked gyro meat because someone can't pull stuff out of the oven when the timer goes off

One of my favorite jobs has been working at a place in my hometown called Premiere Gourmet. I literally grew up with this store. It used to be located at the end of my parents street then moved to bigger quarters once they became popular.

After my first child was born, I had no job because my super cool sous chef job was no more( the place closed..which was too bad because it was a cool place to work). So, I acquire a job at Premiere. It fit mine and my then hubs lifestyle and work schedules. I worked with amazing people who I was (and it was one of the few times this has happen), genuinely friends with. We hung out together ,we went to each others houses and actually liked each other and there  were 6 of us ,so we were tight. 

But that was only part of it. I was liked by the owner and by fellow employes and never once felt as if people were catty or bitter bitches. Everyone wanted to be there and were mostly very happy everyday. My owner ,while a bit out there, was still a very like able and nice person. Her kids were privileged but nice kids. It was a family. Something that in food service is hard to find now a days.

 I don't feel that way at my current job.  I actually feel very much alone and on my own. But it's not a 

" oh pity me "statement. It is how it is and  no one can understand . 

EEEK ..sorry for that tangent. 

Where was I...oh yeah. So this job. It was good pay, I was liked, good hours, and then there was Peter.

Peter is/was an awesome guy. He was the master coffee roaster and beer guy.  The majority of what I know on either is because he took the time to explain things to me when I asked a billon questions that probably were fairly obvious things to him.

I learned about how to roast certain beans because of their oil content, what bean characteristics  are factors to certain growing areas and how to tell the difference, cupping,and all sorts of things. And the smell of green beans roasting...oh dear god..HEAVAN!!!! 

Then there was beer. Ok, up until then I thought Labats was killer. Yeah, little did I know the future of beer was going to be laid before me. I tried so much beer that I think my son was tipsy thru the breast milk.( yeah I said it...I breastfeed my kid..what of it bitches?) .

It was like, so much beer, so little time to drink it. I did make it through their selection by the time I left three years later. My ex hubs was not a fan of trying the new beers , which was too bad.  I do every once in a while ,when in a large beer store or coming upon a new beer , think fondly of Peter and hope that if he still is around,he is enjoying one tonight after a long bike ride.

Blessed are the cheese makers......

I am hot.

It's still 75 here and it's 11 pm. And my house is a sauna. Hobbit houses do not make very good housing if not built into the earth. They are rather slimy ,sticky and small. Seriously, the ceilings are lower than any house I have occupied( let's face it, we occupy space , not live in it and yes, I got all deep and profound there. I even got a little physics too. ...least I think I did. It's late and I am hot and there are like 3633346464644646474733737 things in my head right now.)

Sorry, I got a little distracted.......

Where was I? Oh yeah.....I am hot. And while I enjoy the heat rather than the cold, this is just stupid warm..... But I rather be sweaty than shivering. Get your minds out of the gutter ......unless you want to share your images. 

Wait ......please don't share your images , "shivers".

I don't have or maybe I did have a thought to this post but now I don't feel like talking about it. Did you ever get that way? You're thinking about something maybe for an hour or two, maybe for a day ,a week etc. . Then, when you get a chance to express it, you just don't feel like it. Maybe you have thought it over 20 times and at 21 you're done. I get that way ; it's a bad habit/ quirk of mine. 

I usually get worked up about something and don't really say anything. Then , I let it fester in my head, having little dumb conversations in there or worse, I over think things. Mind you this happens cause there are many things going on in my head. I feel like I am juggling chainsaws most of the time. 

But , I have gotten better. I think mostly because instead of talking over people or trying to put my sense into a conversation, I am just listening. Waiting to be asked a question, then giving basic info to see if the person wants to actually have a conversation or just wants to pump me for info. The latter will just cause me to shut down. I have learned the hard way that giving away all the info gets me no where, wins me no friends or loyalty  from people.

By the way...I love the term " pump you for information" it's really a dirty term no matter how you pitch it. It brings up images of being pumped like a mustard dispenser . Or sexually pumped with vaginal quivers as your end result.

Yeah, I said...vaginal quivers. Try to get that image out of your head.( please don't think of mine....but you are probably now....STOP..... Unless you make me dinner;) )

And that brings me to something....remember that Proclaimers song that was played all the fringing timeeeeeeeee.  What the hell is havering to someone ? Sounds pretty much like a made up word.....oh Scottish friendsssssssss or word people.    

I actually do know what it means..

Win a date with me

So here is the long anticipate essay I had to do for my boss.

I am not sure how well written it is but it is rather funny I think.

Though my boss thinks I need a date......


The Pama Roma: A Love Story

12 months ago, if you told me that I would be hugging a cold , strong, silent object every time I walked past it, I would think you were talking about an old boyfriend. But it still remains the strong, silent type and I do love it: My Pama Roma Pasta machine.

Up until then I had never heard of Pama Roma or knew machines like mine existed for the less industrial ventures like restaurants or even dining halls. I have grown up, both personally and professionally, in kitchens where you either made pasta by hand or used the hamster wheel crank of a pasta machine. Both are labor intensive and honestly, I got tired after 30 minutes.

The Pama Parsi Macchine or Pasta Station is in a nut shell, heaven in a 4 foot workstation. This amazing machine can make 20 lbs. of fresh pasta in less than 30 minutes from start to finish. This includes drying time in the racks below the station. The machine comes directly from Italy all nice and pretty in a giant crate. I have to say, that actually got me really excited when I saw it on my dock.

Once open though, the real fun begins. Though most of the instructions are in Italian, I was able to find a few manuals from the Pama Roma company themselves. Now, this is a side note…whoever got the pleasure of reading my emails, in probably bad Italian, BLESS them. They answered all my questions within hour’s sometimes even minutes of me sending the emails. The manuals were pretty basic, though, and only took a few reads and remembering the metric system, before I understood what I was actually dealing with.

This machine is easier than raising a teenage boy. In its basics, the tumbler mixes the semolina flour, eggs and other liquid. By other liquid I mostly mean water. But this is where fun part of the machine comes into play. The majority of the manuals do not give instruction on different flavors and proportions. I was basically told by my lovely Pama Roma friend to “play” with it. And that is just what we did and are continuingly doing.

We have experimented with flavors as basic as lemon pepper then moved on to wasabi (we do a pasta stir fry with our spiral pasta) and even tried orange pasta just to see if dessert pasta dish could be something that was feasible (it is with a mascarpone cream. It was sort of like sweet Alfredo texture. We are looking to expand the dessert pasta by experimenting with cocoa powders, coffee powders and things like that. Flavors that were hits included spinach, tomato, basil and stout which we used with a beef stroganoff and it was delicious!

The work station comes with the basic pasta shapes: tagliolini, tagliatelle, fettuccine and pappardelle along with a basic spiral that can be made into long thin spiral or short tight ones depending on the speed of your cutting blade. The flat pasta can be made into any thickness. The Sheeter-Cutter with stainless steel roller rough will allow you, through a simple leaflet, to refine the sheet width. 200 mm to the desired thickness and to prepare tagliolini, tagliatelle, fettuccine and pappardelle in widths: 2-4-6-12 mm. This can also be used to make lasagna sheets. We have experimented with making a type of layered pasta by thinning out sheets of two pastas (Tomato and Spinach) then sticking them together and sending them through the sheeter. It worked, we think. The pasta looked like a Crayola factory exploded on the pasta. But was pretty to look at and rather tasty.

The other aspect of pasta making with the Pasta Station is the ability to use different flours such as whole wheat, buckwheat, and semolina and rice flour. Each flour requires special attention as they each mix differently, have different stages of gluten binding and kneading. But with a lot of experimenting, we were able to make whole wheat, regular semolina and buckwheat. We played a little with the rice but never got the final product to our liking. This is important for us to find non-wheat gluten “friendly” pasta. Like many college and universities, we have Celiac and wheat sensitive students that grow in numbers every year. We value their health and feel it is important that have as much of the same food their friends are eating rather than be singled out as they have had to be because of their dietary needs.

One the last pasta making components is the ravioli maker. This part of the machine, I am very fond of. We have a lot of high end events that require us to make vegan dishes. I like vegan pasta dishes because we can replace any egg products with soy, egg replacements or other types of binders that adhere to vegan lifestyle. But the cool thing is the fillings. We can do any type of fillings. We have done a taco, pumpkin, smoked salmon and herbed cream cheese, sweet potato, four cheese, bbq smoked pork just to name a few. We have also experimented with dessert ravioli adding chocolate ganache in the middle or pieces of cake. The ganache worked the best, I have to say.

The pasta station comes with a few other bells and whistles: a cooling rack (7), four drawer storage unit and flour bin. All of them fit right under the work station and the machine is very easy to take care of and maintain. One has to be careful with the parts and hand washe everything. The dies themselves are made of soft brass and can be easily damaged as we found out this spring (luckily not to badly and we were able to fix it with a bit of buffing and “please don’t be broken, please don’t be broken’s”)

Oh, the dies are another really cool part of this machine. At only $250 a piece, you could procure a small collection that could meet all your pasta making needs. There are so many choices including assorted shell sizes for basic pasta to stuffed shells, all the favorite shapes like bowtie, rotini and radiator pasta.

What I really , really like about this machine and why I hug my machine(a lot) is that I get to give my students and the staff of the university a beautiful, fresh , made in house product that they can actually see us make every day. We have given students and staff samples of the pasta as it is made right off the machine. The delight and surprise on their faces is worth it all. Majority of people that walk in to the dining hall have never had fresh pasta, let alone in a “cafeteria”. Our students acknowledge they really appreciate and enjoy the fresh pasta versus the dry type. They feel it adds a value to their meal plan especially to the parent who sees that we are serving fresh pasta every day. T We learned, from trial and error that the pasta lasts longer than expected in its dry state, when properly stored. We are able to cook the pasta off just like restaurants do, giving the client the best possible and freshest meal. And just like our gelato machine, we ask for flavor suggestions from our students. We have had some interesting ideas like roasted corn, grape juice and vodka; though I think I just might have to do the PB and J ravioli just because I can. We are hoping to in the future to package the pasta for take home use. We have been experimenting with this in the way of making “cup of soup”mixs and selling them in one of our retails. It is basically cooked diced chicken, vegetables, house made bouillon and blanched noodles. All the customer has to do is add hot water and let stand for 5 minutes. The response has been better than expected and we hope to expand it in the future.



I love my Pasta Station. I am protective and guard it like it is my child. Only one other person really knows how to use it and I would like to keep it that way. I didn’t even let my regional chef get much time on it because I want to keep it all to myself. But once everyone tasted the pasta we were making, I knew my machine would be a popular guy.



But no matter what, I am going to keep hugging my machine.

In your eyes, your pale blue eyes

This is me.... Just fresh scrubbed face me. Thought you like to see who was babbling on and on about nonsense.

I am been trying to write a paper about my high end pasta machine for my boss that he wants to send off for trade magazines, for the past three days....No pressure ,right?