Giant sweaty anus or Ode to My Beasties

I have a heavy head. And yes ,I meant beasties.

Well, my head isn't heavy but my brain is . Probably a little extreme on my behalf ,but I do have some artistic license here.

I am sure by now you all know I think..and I think a lot. My friend Dan, who is actually sort of my superior, also is afflicted with this problem. I am beginning to think that certain types of ...people ,passionate people, have this "problem" . We just simple can not turn off our brains. It's not that we can't relax. 

Trust me....this whiskey sour is awesome right now.

It's just our minds refuse to give us rest as we try to sleep. And while I can't speak for anyone else, it's not just work related things....it's everything. I will say one thing though is that I personally don't over think or analyze things like I used to. God, that would just leave me exhausted.

My best friend David thinks that because of my bipolar that my mind simple can't not shut down. That it's on edge all the time, but not as a bad thing. I snorted my wine when he said that and his wife smacked him  ,accusing him of being mean to me. But in essence ,he is on to something. Now mind you when I told him a dream I had about killing myself and then changing my mind he had this crazy ass explanation . Not just simple, I wanted drastic changes in my life but was hesitant at the moment..lol

With the bipolar, your mind races a lot and its hard to just quiet it all down. Some folks get medicine to help and that's perfect. I found it made me want to hurt myself when I was on them and I have tried many( happy pills not like heroin). To each their own. Do what helps you meds,therapy both.

Ohhhhh

So another thing me and David talked about are these apps that tell people where you are. Why can't you just tell people where you are via texting. I mean seriously, are you lost? Shall I send the rescue dogs?

Do you really think people care that your having a cup of tea around the corner from your house? Good job! You were able to get up, get dressed and walk a block for TEA!

I actually just made myself laugh there. Stupid , I say.

So...everyone I think should have a male and female best friend....I for one have it and its actually pretty damn great. My eldest friend is my bf ,Shelly. I have known her for a very,very long time. I was in my early thirties when we meet ...lol I am not anymore. My male is my friend David. David is just as awesome mainly cause he is another chef and has a wife named Michelle. Not the same Michelle but seriously how is that possible . And she drives the same car as me...and their daughter is named with one of my favorite girl names! 

Both BFs are completely nuts like me...in a love able  ,harmless way lol. David and I were fast friends in person  friends. You know when you click with someone... Like not romantically but like.."sweet Jesus he actually gets me" sort of way. This is me and David. Two peas in a pod. It might be cause we are high strung nerd cakes, we just bonded quickly. Of course...two quickly for others not to gossip. I actually turned  on him towards the end. I can't just stop talking to him, I had to just push him hard away. And i hurt him and he Was pissed ..It sucked too. But luckily , when stuff was going a while ago, he came back into my life and made me promise never to be a dick a again...lol. He offered me an exceptional job too. I wish I could take it . It is as close to my ideal job as I could possibly want.

My best gal Shelly is exceptional. She has been the lifeline. If it wasn't for her , I would not be here. She is my anchor and she knows me the best and knows everything. My ex bf didnt even get the really dirty to the core me, only the person I appear to be.

Not much else to say about her. She makes me laugh at myself and she makes me cry too. 

I am sooo tired right now. Work is kicking my ass. I am being told things right now at work and some of it is about me and some about others and I think the latter is what has my head on fire a lot. There is stuff that will be happening soon and I am getting prepared for a role that I will helpfully be asked to assume.

I have read through this post and should probably erase it and the ramblings. But then what the hell is the point then. The blog is about me and my madness as a chef and person. I like my weirdness . I enjoy my quiet soul and my gray roots. The deep lines from years of laughing hard .

You know what.....it's just time to exhale.

Did you hear that? 

I let gas escape my bum...heheheheh 

Good Intentions

Good Intentions

Surrounded by forces I cannot control

With desire to push through 

To the darkness and light as 

Burning pulses my soul

Trapped in a space

In a box

Punch through the air 

With 

Exhausting 

Feverish 

 Intoxicating strength

Gasping for the mighty air streaming down

As it catches my fall

Exiting the shadows

With a leap

And a bound

Of joyous laughter

I was handed

The desire of a new

Has caged me

And I am tied

Happily bound

A restless body hides a peaceful soul....

Sometimes I don't know what to say. I am not sure if it is my mind working overtime or really just an empty void of the moment. 

Despite my outgoing personality, I am actually quite shy. Not in the I never speak to anyone when I am out, I just get quite around new situations and people. I like to watch people and see how they interact and what the mood is before I join in. I have a strong personality that can come off badly, so I do try to be a situational personality sort of girl.

Basically, I am not myself. And you know, it rather sucks.  I don't even think I am actually me with anyone except my best girlfriend and we sort of had to let all the freakness hang out when we spent a week in Mexico together...lol . I don't know if it is a fear or self esteem thing. It could be , who knows. Maybe it's a learned thing because of my job. There is no place for swearing or kitchen talk when dealing with clients , so you have to change yourself. 

Then there is meeting men ( since I am of the lady folk kind). Unless they are cooks or chefs, most are turned off by a strong willed, smart, HOT, bitchy, sarcastic ,geek of a women. So, there is a personality change there. Or maybe I just smell...

But it is tiring to have to keep changing or toning myself down. I was miserable for a long time because I felt I couldn't just be me....I have quirks. I am a strong ,capable person who happens to have a vagina.( a very nice one, I might add and yes, I know  TMF....blah blah.) I am surprisingly very girly too. I like it when a strong man "rescues " me from my stupidity. It feels great to be taken care of in that way. 

....  Or maybe because I turned 42 recently and figured out  that ,while this year I have changed a lot both mentally and physically,the real me has not been fully utilized.

So , instead of whining any further about it, I am just going to be exactly who I am.....

ME!

I think it was the wedding I just catered that has helped push me over the edge a bit. Lots of things went wrong and way to many people chattering. I was just trying to keep everything calm and collective. I was lucky to have a few people on hand that all I had to do is give a look( not a mean or upset one just " you're the smartest person besides me ,please help me" look and they knew what I needed done. ) It went well for us despite no lights, cold and down pour rain, working outside and running food in the mud. But they were a great group and in my 28 years of doing this was my favorite wedding. The wedding planner even said he do my wedding .

(Side note...it was a really awesome wedding that I will do a post about ...waiting for photos from the wedding party..somehow we didn't get any of the food tables. )

I actually feel in love with my passions again. I feel alive and energized because I know I am  pretty damn awesome at my job..... I just needed to cook more.

Creating something out of bits of pieces .....without thinking, just doing, this is what separates people who cook and people who cook with passion.

I leave you with this .... I was actually sent this last week...it literally made me LOL

Be careful what you do, because life becomes the truth.....

Maybe it's the heat, lack of carbs ,or the running every day , but people are on my last nerves these days. Not everyone of course, but enough of the small amount of the human race right now has me plotting several burials in my garlic bed.

The heat has been bad here. With no AC at work or home, fans are lowing a lot of hot air back out the window..then there is the heat...bahahahahahahahaha.

I'll get my hat.

I swear I am not drunk. Not even a drop.

Maybe....

Everlasting Gobstopper

I am in the middle of my extraordinary life. 

I think I need a cheeseburger.....0hhhhh donar kebab !!!!!

Maybe lay off the meditation music a bit. 

Crispy... like a piece of over baked gyro meat because someone can't pull stuff out of the oven when the timer goes off

One of my favorite jobs has been working at a place in my hometown called Premiere Gourmet. I literally grew up with this store. It used to be located at the end of my parents street then moved to bigger quarters once they became popular.

After my first child was born, I had no job because my super cool sous chef job was no more( the place closed..which was too bad because it was a cool place to work). So, I acquire a job at Premiere. It fit mine and my then hubs lifestyle and work schedules. I worked with amazing people who I was (and it was one of the few times this has happen), genuinely friends with. We hung out together ,we went to each others houses and actually liked each other and there  were 6 of us ,so we were tight. 

But that was only part of it. I was liked by the owner and by fellow employes and never once felt as if people were catty or bitter bitches. Everyone wanted to be there and were mostly very happy everyday. My owner ,while a bit out there, was still a very like able and nice person. Her kids were privileged but nice kids. It was a family. Something that in food service is hard to find now a days.

 I don't feel that way at my current job.  I actually feel very much alone and on my own. But it's not a 

" oh pity me "statement. It is how it is and  no one can understand . 

EEEK ..sorry for that tangent. 

Where was I...oh yeah. So this job. It was good pay, I was liked, good hours, and then there was Peter.

Peter is/was an awesome guy. He was the master coffee roaster and beer guy.  The majority of what I know on either is because he took the time to explain things to me when I asked a billon questions that probably were fairly obvious things to him.

I learned about how to roast certain beans because of their oil content, what bean characteristics  are factors to certain growing areas and how to tell the difference, cupping,and all sorts of things. And the smell of green beans roasting...oh dear god..HEAVAN!!!! 

Then there was beer. Ok, up until then I thought Labats was killer. Yeah, little did I know the future of beer was going to be laid before me. I tried so much beer that I think my son was tipsy thru the breast milk.( yeah I said it...I breastfeed my kid..what of it bitches?) .

It was like, so much beer, so little time to drink it. I did make it through their selection by the time I left three years later. My ex hubs was not a fan of trying the new beers , which was too bad.  I do every once in a while ,when in a large beer store or coming upon a new beer , think fondly of Peter and hope that if he still is around,he is enjoying one tonight after a long bike ride.

Blessed are the cheese makers......

I am hot.

It's still 75 here and it's 11 pm. And my house is a sauna. Hobbit houses do not make very good housing if not built into the earth. They are rather slimy ,sticky and small. Seriously, the ceilings are lower than any house I have occupied( let's face it, we occupy space , not live in it and yes, I got all deep and profound there. I even got a little physics too. ...least I think I did. It's late and I am hot and there are like 3633346464644646474733737 things in my head right now.)

Sorry, I got a little distracted.......

Where was I? Oh yeah.....I am hot. And while I enjoy the heat rather than the cold, this is just stupid warm..... But I rather be sweaty than shivering. Get your minds out of the gutter ......unless you want to share your images. 

Wait ......please don't share your images , "shivers".

I don't have or maybe I did have a thought to this post but now I don't feel like talking about it. Did you ever get that way? You're thinking about something maybe for an hour or two, maybe for a day ,a week etc. . Then, when you get a chance to express it, you just don't feel like it. Maybe you have thought it over 20 times and at 21 you're done. I get that way ; it's a bad habit/ quirk of mine. 

I usually get worked up about something and don't really say anything. Then , I let it fester in my head, having little dumb conversations in there or worse, I over think things. Mind you this happens cause there are many things going on in my head. I feel like I am juggling chainsaws most of the time. 

But , I have gotten better. I think mostly because instead of talking over people or trying to put my sense into a conversation, I am just listening. Waiting to be asked a question, then giving basic info to see if the person wants to actually have a conversation or just wants to pump me for info. The latter will just cause me to shut down. I have learned the hard way that giving away all the info gets me no where, wins me no friends or loyalty  from people.

By the way...I love the term " pump you for information" it's really a dirty term no matter how you pitch it. It brings up images of being pumped like a mustard dispenser . Or sexually pumped with vaginal quivers as your end result.

Yeah, I said...vaginal quivers. Try to get that image out of your head.( please don't think of mine....but you are probably now....STOP..... Unless you make me dinner;) )

And that brings me to something....remember that Proclaimers song that was played all the fringing timeeeeeeeee.  What the hell is havering to someone ? Sounds pretty much like a made up word.....oh Scottish friendsssssssss or word people.    

I actually do know what it means..