Food porn cause you like it

Yeah it's ok .... I know

You wear guilt like shackles on your feet like a halo in reverse

God I used to feel such huge guilt all the time.
That I had to stretch myself out so thin so I could be everyone's source , everyone's person.
But funny thing is I didn't need to be. Or shouldn't have been. I am not needed the way I assumed I was. It wasn't or is not nessessary to be at work all the time. Or to entertain my kids. Sometimes..... You might want to sit down for this.... I can be just Gretchen. You know funny odd super smart Gretchen. Not chef, not mom etc.

Just me. It's a wild and novel concept for me and one I am think " why the hell didnt I get this years ago".

My brain always said " you have to work hard everyone depends on you" when truthfully no matter what I got paid I have survived and adapted. I work yeah because I like to get paid but I do it because I love to cook. I mean I really fringing love to cook. I really could just ramble on about it. That and music....don't even get me started.
But I can do it anywhere . As long as i have my knives and my bra I am good to go.


So here I am in a position where I could just walk away and be ok with my choice.
But I know because of who I am I won't because I have stopped, breathe and I mean breathe ( you ever take a long hard run and can't catch your breath then do and it's that deep breath... That's what I am talking about) now I am centered again.

Will I ever lose myself in my work again? Nah ... Maybe if I open something up I can see that because its mine all mine( or mine and significant other) but that's different.
Life has taught me a lot of late and one thing is this : no regrets .That just being happy is so much more fun.( a little reality check though.... I am not Mary Poppins...but I have found my smile again and if you personally know me you the significance of that)

But now is just about the joy of cooking and how much messed up things I can create that I can get people to eat.

Oh and if there is any doubt in your mind, I am a kick ass chef with so much talent and knowledge that it even scares me.
I am amazing.







Seriously..... Amazing

Whoever knows pain is dangerous from the fire that burns the soul

I would to talk about being a chef in a blunt and matter of fact sort of way.

We are all self absorbed, high strung , egoistical, mad, somewhat genius, sarcastic, twats. We are womenizers, sluts, drinkers, drug addicts ,insane or a combo of one or more of these things. We burn bridges fast and then act like nothing happen because we truly can't remember it . We don't know when to stop or to go home. Most of us never realize when the job has consumed our life till its to late . Some hide it well ... Some let it all hang out like Britney's Vj jay.
We think we are right and hate having to compromise but do it cause we can't have are staff hate us otherwise we have no staff.
We get a kick when those we have trained turn out to be like us. Yes we are asses sometimes. We can be rude, pains in the ass , impulsive and stubborn. We have a wicked and weird sense of humor. We laugh when we shouldn't , act like 16 year olds and probably do many other things that could land us in court.

But we have patience. We are kind to those who have the sparkle we had when we first started out and have been chasing for far to long. Those newbies piss is us off because they think they know everything. And probably remind us of a younger version of ourselves .
I am always brought back to a part of the movie and book A Razor's Edge, where Larry and gray arrive in France with nice new Red Cross van and piedmount proceeded to dirty it up and break it. That's how I feel about crispy white newbies. Army and training new culinary cooks are similar in that we have to break the spirit in order to make it better.
Now before you roll your eyes or call me an ass. ... Being in hot kitchens for 12-15 hours at a time on your feet all the time without a break is not the cool rocks star
Way of life tv chefs make it look.
And there are only a handful(handful is a vague reference because I really mean somewhere in the capacity of a couple of thousand) that are really good and go at it everyday , pushing the grade , making the food taste as it should : like food . Even the molecularly gastronomy has a lot of coolness but has to be done right. It's really only about a few things: great ingredients, knowledge and creative spark. That's it. Seriously. Knowledge is not just what you think. It's about knowing what's in season and how long it will keep. It's the ability to predict how something will taste just by knowing the ingredients and how that knowledge just rolls off your tongue without even thinking about it. It's laughing at the tequila shrimp going horribly wrong and impressed with yourself with the pork butt wrapped in pork belly that went ohhhh my god so well

We are also a bunch of burnouts . Like war torn soldiers that have had one to many tours . At this point most switch jobs . The rest of us carry on in some matter.
Those who survive are the happy chefs that usually find some knook in the world that makes them happy.



In the end those who are truly great don't care about money(it's lovely of course but not what we strive for) we just want people to enjoy the food and be connected to them even on a surface connection.

Our madness is our job. Our work ethic the hammer to the coffin and our craft is the joy of our soul.

Food porn

Mmmmmmm

We are just two lost souls living in a fish bowl, year after year...

See , my little blog !! I said I would be here and I am.
Oh what a week last and this week have been. Eeeek it's Xmas time. Mmmm anise cookies are the best best sweet treat. Funny I want one thought I haven't had any sweets for well over a month.

Work is winding down finally . I have been able to breath and step back a little. One of my big biggest problems is sense of control on everything because of insecurity of my ability as a chef and leader. I think it just stems from having no one to back me up or others around me who felt like me . I am dealing with it and slowly letting my two bright but very different sous chefs take care of the bs of the daily grind though I am still apart of it. Because when I do that it empowers me , it empowers my sous chefs and it empowers the staff. So it is win win for all.

But it is not an easy thing to do. Wanting people to need you is not the same as being needed. Being needed is short lived,people needing you makes them dependent on you and unable to handle the job or themselves .


On to a lighter subject, I am thinking of doing a podcast. A friend of mine suggested we do one a long time ago ,combining all things we liked: Music, Beer,Food and Soccer. I think we would crush it lol
I have many topics like
What does one eat before a curling game?
Molecular Gastronomy : how far is to far?
Local , Seasonal: what to get when you live in the middle of no where.

Just a pix before I pass out. ...

Like a river in the ocean ,Life is motion, Move on

Wow has it been sometime....

I love this blog. It does give me a sense of joy and pride. And that has been missing in my life too long.
While details are of course private, lets just say, I lost myself. I have been wrapped up in work and basically me that I forgot the sunshine.

But no more.....

I pledge once a week at least updates of all the shannigans that are happening in my life.

But for now here  is what has been happening in a short version.

My job basically had taken over this past year due to renovations and such.

Background:I have never worked in a college dining but the past few years have been good, not great because every year something came up that pulled me away from other things. I just sucked it up and plowed forward,knowning aby 2017 I was going to be free to do what I wanted to do.There was a plan.It sucked and at times I just wanted to quit. But i knew i made good money and my family depended on it.
SO i was told i would be incharge to some degree of the renovations of the dining hall.
Things went ok. They were late so we were pushed back. That made for a lot of headaches all around.
I also lost my sous chef to a police issue (getting him back but needed him at the time). So we finally opened and work just took over and engulfed me even more than over the past year leading up to this point.
I lost focus, I lost my inner trust of myself...I basically just lost . I got yelled at by my higher up and made to feel like nothing I did was right.
I worked 15 hour days 6-7 days a week since october...still working that. I felt alone and that nothing i did or could do was right. My self aborbed attitude didnt help because my staff needed me.

Then something happen and changed everything. I dropped the pity party and began to lead my team. We have been working hard and I refuse to let crap food go out. I have pride in myself and my team which includes a new young sous chef that makes me smile . My staff and I are having fun while we pump out really good food. We laugh and we sing.


And we make damn good food that 99% I am really proud of.



I have found my joy again.

 I am happy again.....And realize that work isnt everything anymore.

Happiness is.