Little pig ,little pig get in the damn smoker!

So, I am up at this hour doing what I do best......thinking.
I am actually up because after having a few cocktails Friday night , I crashed for two hours , got up again and took my eldest to the airport for his senior trip...at 3am . Then couldn't sleep, watched terrible indie film I haven't a clue the name . Stayed up till my mind had enough at 6pm till 9:30 . So, now I am wide awake.


Thinking.....
Actually , I was reading and doing basic research on business plans and writing proposals to get money etc. The whole thing will need someone helping me as (if you have been following this blog ,you would have noticed) I am not a fantastic speller and grammar person. I'm probably not bad at either , I'm just  sort of a lazy writer...lol


But here I am reading this book called " Eat With Your Hands" . It's a fantastic book. Crusty,Funny and the food is fantastic!
One of the recipes , for smoking a whole pig, has these listed as basic necessities :

Three cases of beer ,on ice. In cans ,not bottles
A couple of joints
2 bottles of bourbon
Plastic cups
An 8- ball
1 carton of smokes
iPod and speakers
2 head lamps
Batteries
Sturdy folding chaired
Tarp tent in case it rains
3 friends who like to stay up all night and who understand the importance of maintaining a consistent temperature in a smoker and are funny as fuck.


I read that,smiled ,and thought..." I like to stay up all night"


Then I turned the page to find pictures of the pig that had smoked . I think I actually said " om nom nom" out loud in a sort of low panting sound.



Not weird at all.


I just found the recipe for pork fries.........made from braised pork belly and serviced ( yes i said serviced and not served)with aioli.
Just imagine it for a few minutes .....

Let it soak in.....

Now , stop licking your lips and dry off the drool.
Geez ,can't take you anywhere ,can I?

I used to be Snow White...but I drifted

Settle down..I know two posts in two days.
It's a Christmas miracle for sure.

Now before everyone gets all excited , this is going to be short and sweet.
I told you yesterday that it's busy catering time and basically busy, period. Sous Chef N is leaving and I have to deal with the other one( lord give me strength) BUT...little mama( that's me ,FYI. And happy also to say I am not BIG mama anymore . Woohoo ) has big catering a to do.

These giant catered events   happen twice a year for us . So I thought I would just share how my mind works while trying to be creative and innovative.

You can see from the picture , I am all over the place. The one stack of papers are ideas from the net that I will twist and turn around on their head to make them mine. Rarely am I lazy enough to just take a recipe straight off the net and call it mine.


BORING!!!!

Oh and two of those papers have more ideas on the back.



There is a sort of Van Gogh/ Mapplethorpe way I do things.

Though I have my ears and well, my food is abstractly sexual.





What ?? It is!!

My butt hurts.....

Sorry my little blog and blogettes. Work picked up a little and my dearest sous chef is so on the verge of abandoning me that I have other things to attend to.


So , what's new with you?

( don't worry, I'll just have a conversation in my head where you say awesome stuff about me and I say stuff like ..." No really, you're to sweet." Or " please , continue". Win, win for all)

So , I got in trouble today for being sarcastic in comment cards.



Just let that soak in for a bit.


Now, I didn't swear at anyone and I did address the person it with the name they wrote...( sorry, you sign it sad fat girl, that's how it gets addressed.) And sure, I asked for large sums of money when they asked for fruity pebbles. But it wasn't like I expected these nerds to ACTUALLY have 50k on them or unicorns.
So apparently a few students just think highly of themselves and don't actually get sarcasm . Then again , most people can't spell sarcasm let alone know what it means or who to recognize it.
Look sarcasm is two things: deflection and humor. Sometimes both , but mostly one or the other. In my family , it's meant as humor. But in my life , I know many MANY people who use sarcasm because they have no soul .And they are really bad at trying to use it. Hence why they have no souls .

But did I also mention the other students who thought I was a hoot?



Yeah, who do you think gets my golden star?....not that I have said golden stars.
That would rather an odd thing or me to just have laying around.








Then again, this is me we are talking about.

I need a hug and I need some love, and I really really wish you were here.

Well, first things first........
I might hold some sort of reject contest to see if anyone is paying attention to the titles of these posts. Some are random thoughts because I giggle at myself at 3am ,after three gin and tonic. Some are lines from songs I am listening to right now...like the lyrics above. The vast majority have nothing to do with what I am writing about. I am really just trying to grab your attention or cause I like the lyrics or saying etc etc. I doubt only my brother can tell me what song the title is from without looking it up,lol.


This isn't even really a post about anything...more of a preview post of things to come.

Subjects that will be tackled in the next few days:
Local sourcing
More about food trends
"Celebrity " chefs
Cooking channel vs food network...this will be HOT!
Fermenting
Sourdough
Adversion to sweets
Menu planning that is driving me nuts
Loss of sous chef N.
Stupid things
Food porn
Food in books
Health eating...you want me to eat that?
Nose to tail eating....why you should.
My restaurant ........looking for help
My tv show idea expanded
Why top chef is silly now
Ferran Adria is a god, but Marco Pierre White is a rock star
Honest take on being a female chef ....with no sarcasium I promise.......maybe.
Tequila Shrimp: the evil that was thankfully never was.



So that should keep us all busy for awhile.

Now,I think I will go watch paint dry.

Punish me with kisses

My goodness, I swear spring will never really come to this area.

We are just fooling ourselves into thinking it might be spring because it's warm for a few days than BAM! Back to cold..not just cold,FREEZzzzzzzzzzzzing cold. I have herbs to plant,mother nature. Hurry the hell up and either keep it cold or hit us with summer. Screw spring!

So in keeping with that whole line of thought , I read an article on using compost heap to cook your food.
Yes, that was my reaction when I read the  headline. I literally vomited a little in my mouth. I know there will be tree huggers and environmentalist who will be all " Well of course you can ,dippoohead. There is natural heat that is created in a compost heap that can reach temps of up to almost 200 degrees ,so of course you can cook in them."

But why would you?

Listen , I am an odd hippy. I believe in local sourcing,reaching out ,supporting local farms and business to growing  business. I plan to do this with my own restaurant. That lowering the whole carbon footprint is good for everyone, I love wind energy and hydro-energy( grew up in Buffalo ..duh!)
But placing my raw food into the middle of a decomposing heap of stuff....ewwwwwwwwww. I don't care how well wrapped it is . It just gives me the willies.
It is not to say I wouldn't try it because well, I am an odd person and will try anything once. I ate Haggis without being dared or drunk, I think that makes me a sure thing on that front. Except eyeballs and vaginas . I just don't think I could do that.
Or penis. Or uterus ....or fingers and toes.

But I digress .

So , this seems to be a new thing for chefs to try out ....but  I doubt it will take off . It is similar to burying raw animals in the ground and covering them with coals and leaves for a few days. But still , how safe is any of it .
What kind of compost pile would you use? Would a normal food one be ok? Or would one with manure be better? But doesn't that beg the question of would it have a shitty after taste?










See what I did there?
Yeah, you can thank me later for that one.

Blow jobs and sauces

Lord , writing when you're "mad" and tired ...lol that should be a whole section of writing at Barnes and Noble.

So I have been a busy cooking baking bee ( I wrote that as busty cooking lol ) and 

evidence is below.

So I am heading basically down the home stretch of this year. 6 more weeks then they are gone and I can have a nap. Literally have a nap.
This is actually the more stressful time of year or it has been. But I am thinking approaching it differently. Before I have made myself upset,sick and bitchy because I took so much on to myself and never really let anyone help me. My bad. Trust issues ...lord.

Ok side bar.... Chefs should have built in therapy sessions. It should be a guarantee right that states have to provide that to all food service operations. I swear it would save the world a lot of money in the long run. Oh and bikini waxes...definitely bikini waxes.

So where was i ...oh yeah. So now I am writing 14 menus and each has to be unique and not things I have done before because it makes me cranky and bored to repeat myself . And my client enjoys the variety even if she won't admit it.
But I need inspiration......I need...lol ok need really is over dramatic .
I just made myself smile...and I honestly don't know why. Hahahaha.

This is actual fun for me...just sitting quietly doing research then twisting and turning it on its head ...making something new or a new version of it. Making multiple menus or very least writing things out till I like the way it looks or it appeals to my senses.
Writing it out is probably the most important thing for me because I usually don't have time to experiment. Most of my best work is just flying by my silk panties. Mostly it works out. I am always shocked when it does....not because I doubt my abilities but usually doubt the recipe lol.

So , I am looking to be inspired. It's actually harder than you think. To much generic crap is put there. I did watch a documentary about Ferran Adria the other day that really ...man it made me happy. I mean head over heels happy that I am a cook. Also really would have love to have worked at el bulli( goggle it....I am serious. Google it and Ferran Adria) . The process he has with his head chefs/sous chefs and how they think and teach. .....nothing short of inspiring. But of course, I am selfish. I need more . The documentary is called Cooking in Progress if you fancy watching it. There are subtitles....so yeah, you have to pay attention.

I really looking forward to these last few weeks.....to see what I can do. .....how far I can push things before I get a hand smacked.






Wouldn't mind a butt smacked either....RAWR .

In the wake of madness ,there is a light that never goes out ...........

It's almost 3 am and I can't sleep.

Pretty typical for me as the mind races with so much I want to write or say to someone...it feels like at times I have no one to talk to about what I want to say. It s probably the hour of the night.
I haven't been out in a while because of the need to conserve on money....eldest son off to college...( I have a kid old enough for college both makes me over joyed and OMG when did that happen)
I am feeling out of sorts but not in a bad way. I just have sooooo much to say and soooo much I want to do and soooo much that needs to get done . Mostly in my job because home life takes care of itself right now; it has to. March- May life is hectic at work. Four days off in 8 weeks. It literally sucks bulls balls.

Did you read my last post? Do you understand how much it suck to be a chef? Do you understand that we are all morons for doing it? Do you understand that we are literally insane and have no idea we are and make jokes that we are so we don't admit that we are?
Who would purposely chose a job that makes them drug addicts, womanizer,alcoholics or just run of the mill insane.
Cold hard truth....real chefs are self centered and insane . God forbid you love one of us because we make life hard...we do ! I couldn't even lie about this.. Ask any chef....go on..ask them about their spouse.
I keep looking at stuff for Chicago and Portland and think...geez I should have taken that offer inChicago when it was offered a few months ago. But I have this damn loyal thing for my kids.
Bless them .,they are my pride and joy but lord I cant wait till they are both on their own. I did wrong by my eldest. I should have decked him when he punched me in the back many months ago and i would have been stronger against him last year if I had been in a better state of mind but shit happens peeps.

But there is my head and it races like a 5 year old on crack.

I don't think I would have to deal with the stupidity of my work. But there you go, I do.


I wish to this heavenly god that men would just say what they want instead of tip toeing or being vague. You know why women get all messed up ...it's because men just don't say what they mean in black and white. Majority of chicks under stand black and white ...not pink or gray.


One last thing.....

Why the hell don't people just stand up and be accounted for? Ya mmFucked up...who cares! Shit happens and sometimes we fail! Sometimes we fail a lot. It's life . Humans are not perfect therefore shift will never be perfect. Best anyone can do in awesome.




Oh and my sous chef N and I would be amazing together if only he just let me be the executive chef and not be so pissy about me asking question . We be like Bonnie and Clyde or Starskey and Hutch or Shaggy and schobby do. But he gets mad when I question him. Does no understand the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis? And ya know.... I will question anything and everything. ... Because I am the god, Damn executive chef. It's my neck on the line ! No one else's.
Can any of you imagine that sort of pressure





And I am doing it all while losing weight, no caffeine, no soda and trying to have a normalish life .










I so need a rub down.