Monday, March 31, 2014

I am the most wonderful, beautiful paradox're the idoit.

God , I am soooo sick of  " I am a yoga doing , environmental warrior cause I have a bummer sticker" crack heads.
I live in an area that is one of the most economically depressed parts of New York. Our farmers struggle as much as the people who want to buy their products. Most would love nothing more than to feed their families better than the box dinners or fast food. Sadly , it is cheaper to go to a fast food place or even to pick up a sub at local supermarket than to feed your family decent, sound ,healthy food. Worse yet, try feeding your family all organic when they are teenage , athletic young men.

But of course , the weekend warriors with their hemp bags , seaweed protein drinks and slogan wrapped cars look down on the working mom/ dad for just trying to do right by their kids. Balancing working 10-15 hour days between probably 2 jobs sometimes 3 because they refuse to be yet another welfare family( I personally think single moms and dads who work multiple jobs to support their families and not be on welfare should be not only commended but admired) while trying to give their kids a decent balanced meal may not be rocket science to you but try doing it for $10 for family of 4 for three meals a day.

Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world where the farmers could expand their land because the crops were being used by more people and more people had better access to lower cost fresh produce and proteins. There are great supermarkets like Whole Foods that give places like Wegmans a run for their money but they are by and large expensive for most working families to shop at regularly not to mention they are sporadic in the nation of where they actually are placed in towns.

I am by and large a huge supporter of Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Wegmans and places like the Lexington Co-op. in Buffalo,Ny, the Rouge Carrot in Alfred Ny, Abundance in Rochester ,Greenstar in Ithaca(one of my favorite outside of PCC natural market in Seattle),New Paltz Natural Foods ,Karma Road (a restaurant actually that's sooo delish) and shit ton more of places in Seattle including the Fremont Sunday Market...but more about it later). Places like these need more than  just the pseudo tree huggers shopping at them but everyone. Someway , some how we as a whole nation need to place pressure on each other to say that our future, our families are more important than getting 10 cans of salty soup for $2.
Better yet, let's get rid of Wal Mart. All Wal Marts. No one can tell me that cheaply made products are better than fair trade , handmade or recycled clothes.

Ok... I will admit that my undies are from target. My bathing suit too ,if of course ,I finally get one this year. And I have and like nice things. But nice things can also be hand made( think etsy) or from companies that have high sustainable and environmental standards. All our standards need to be a bit more higher and a lot more consistent.

It is not enough to be the occasional environmentalist or when it's convenient  for you because you want to keep up with the cool trend . Even worse , you get some odd thrill knowing people think your cool for being so into the environment..seriously I know some odd people( and I get it pot calling kettle black...yeah,yeah move on.)

Look... Shut up and just do it. And for Jesus , Mary and Joesph Stalin, recycle, reuse and give back.
And stop judging those that are not all " I  only eat  unpasteurized milk with my hemp oatmeal" like you and your bumper sticker crack head so called life cause frankly, you're an asshole.

Teach those who need help, embrace a simpler way of living and understand another persons life so that you can better your own with compassion.

So many people lack compassion......

Oh and laugh, for fuck sake laugh. You're only a unicorn once.

Monday, March 17, 2014

You'll stumble in my pudding.

I should be a better hostess of my blog. I know , I know.
I wish I could blame something of importance like work or illness, death in the family or broken heart. But honestly , though some of that has happen(and some hasn't) I have just been lazy , actually.
Well ,lazy and depressed but the depression has made me lethargic and unable to feel any sort of joy one feels when expressing joy of their passion. And I do have a great sense of joy when I cook or talk about cooking / food. 

I hit rock bottom 3 years ago after tailspining out of control for a few years ; going into a really bad depression that felt like it was never going to end. That is  untill my best friend said in her all nice way,"cut the fucking shit and get back into therapy".

So,three therapist later( a year I am on my third therapist , problem?) and I have learned many things.

Like I suck at arts and crafts. Ok, maybe the craft part. The art part I think I am pretty good at. I will never be a fantastic artist but hey, my parents actually still put my stuff up in their house in a nice frame. If that isn't parental support , I don't know what is. But I am not a knitter or a scrapbooker. Augh, I get hives just thinking about it.

I figured out I am a hunter of sorts... Mostly of cool and odd antiques. I love digging around and riffling through shit to find that odd little piece that someone is selling cheap because they have no idea what it is. Clothes and jewelry have always been on my lists but now it's decent vinyl and home stuff like kitchen gadgets or bar wear ; more unusual the better.        

I also learned I take on to much responsibility for other peoples happiness and yet care so little for my own or for my own well being. In other words; I don't use my big girl words. Like stop to no. Or worse, please help me.  Though my favorite right now is ," can you please just give me 5 minutes to think in silence". 
One problem ( yes ,one....I am to tired to indulge you with all my newly discovered problems or as I like to call them quirks) if you can call it that , is that I don't like being groped. I thought it was an insecurity or self esteem etc . Turns out ,not it. I just was man handled so many times as a young, female cook that it actually turns my stomach when someone smacks my ass or grabs at me. The worse is having a male cook rub up on me( to bad there is no sound on here cause I just dry heaved ). I am sure other young ,female cooks have endured this. Heck , probably even some male cooks. Personally,I have   never done this to any of my staff, ever. Sadly, I have had some of my colleges in my present job rub up on me and just took it; laughing it off cause  god forbid I act like a lady and get repulsed by their action. Then I am a bitch or a ...( cover your eyes) cunt.

Though one day , one of them will find a shank in their wieners.

By shank , I mean a lamb shank..( I was going to make a joke here but my mind drifted off to a delish lamb shank braised in a pilsner for 8 hours then coated with a mustard ,gherkin  and Demi sauce. And hot , buttery spaetzl . Mmmmmmmmmmmmm)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

I surrender all control, to the desire that consumes me whole.....

So, I am moving.

Well, actually I already did. I moved to another town(?) I guess one could call it. It really is more of a village though one has to to scratch ones head at the concept of villiage, town and city around here. But besides this curious notion, I have moved into "town"but not to where I like to be.

I always thought I was an east coast gal. I spent all but 4 years on the east coast from Floridia to New York. There were many teenaged summers spent in Toronto and many more trips to Montreal and NYC as a young adult. It wasn't till I was married and my ex wanted a change after living in Florida for four years that the west coast become my home.

Side note here: you will see a pattern emerge if you haven't already when it came to me and the person I was in a relationship with in regardes to where I lived.

We  moved to the Seattle area and I knew that was it for me:I had found my home away from home. If it wasn't for the fact I was in a terrible place while separating from my husband, I would still be there. But ,I came back to NYS....blah.

Since 2012 , I have been getting into my families mind that once my kid graduated high school I was leaving. Nothing..not a amazing job nor a man would keep me from leaving. Only exception would be a parent dying and then it would just be me moving them out there, too.

Before 2012 ,I going to move to Chicago with my then boyfriend. I was never  really interested in moving there but I had that idealistic view of " he made sacrifices for me, so what the hell as long as we are together". It's not that I don't like Chicago. Of the times I have been there ,kit's been great. I just hate cold, harsh winters. Now the food scene is amazing . But this is why I want to move to Portland. 

The awesome food scene. And there a lot of cities with amazing food scenes, like Austin,NYC ,London, Berlin and Seattle to name a few. But Portland , like Seattle, there is something to it. The city itself lends to a great food scene that is not just a fad or trend. It's an area where I could do anything for a living via my chosen profession.

I am lucky to have a career that enables me to do anything in the food industry. One idea I had contemplated when I was with my ex bf was a  traveling food writer. But one where the two of us backpacked it in Europe to experience the smaller , not as well known side of food. My ex is a much better wordsmith than myself and I envisioned he would be the writer of what I was saying as we experienced food through a low budget , two "kids" kicking it around Europe. My real incentive for the ex to go with me  was we go to a lot of soccer matches  while traveling. I suppose that just getting out of town and spending months with me might have needed a little more draw to .
But best laid plans and all......that idea is shelved for now for many reasons. All of them,of course, valid but at same time , I win the mega ball and you would only hear from me via this blog.

Maybe with my millions I can spend the rest of my days traveling everywhere and eating / drinking then calling my parents for bail money .

All I need is a dollar...

And to dare the impossible dream.....

But more so, I need a dollar.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Waves of Regret, Waves of Joy......

So work...yeah.

So , where I work is going through some major changes. Some on the surface, so behind the scenes. I know a lot of what is going on and I don't press my big boss that much because sometimes less is more . There are times I was left in the dark on purpose to either save face, or for me not to have the ability to react ahead of time. I tend to react quickly and sometimes it works against me. This I was told just the other when it was explained to me this very thing.

But anyhow.....I am now dealing with another unit and it's not so much a mess but boy it could stand for a good shake up. It was suppose to happen but cake got crushed and I am gluing shit back together.  The challenge is getting my staff on board and worse mangers. Lord save me.

Staff so far least to my face are on board. Go staff!!! The gaggle is responding. Next is to actually make some cash.

Did you hear that? It was my head hitting the wall repeatedly. It is what happens when I talk to people who are dumb and want to stay boring and become complacent .  I am already bored and have to keep myself amused.

Did I mention I have been making espresso milkshakes?  And I made kale chips and you would have thought baby Jesus rolled into town. I actually can't wait to see what I come up . I am stealing many ideas I " helped" with at the other retail unit..(when I say helped , really my manager was bored like me and did stuff that kept him amused and I just said.."ok...but can I help, pretty please"). Some of the things, I am like, duh come on people.

This week has definitely been interesting. I also got my original office back and learned my sous chef was not doing his job.

Go team!!

Oh and I got tossed under the bus  by a manager. To bad it didn't actually do any damage to me. Dumb, really ,really dumb move on their half.  Things can get petty very quickly around there.  Thankfully , even though I have gained some weight back, I can still run with the big boys.

Bad,Mad and way to Fat.

Yes…I am fat.

There, I have owned up to it. I am an overweight women

I struggle almost everyday of my existence dealing with my weight. I have lost huge amounts ( two times I have lost over 100lbs) and both times either gained all the weight back or a good part of it. I am not so much as ashamed as frustrated with my own dumbness.My best friend has pointed out this is the way of G. I lose a lot of weight …not the right way and then gain a majority of it back. Then I get mad and frustrated and gain more weight(she didn’t say that part, I did)
I know they say that you will only be successful at something if you really want it and by golly , it’s true. Now, no one is shoveling food down my throat or tieing me to a chair( though,Rawr…bring it on) so, my fatness is all on me. Not my mom ordad , not my ex husbands or my ex boyfriend. I could say  the lack of support from the ex husband or the emotional tie I  formed with food when I was with my ex boyfriend were reasons as I am sure these were spoken from me at one time( I say a lot things in my life, a lot of what I say is dumb ). But honestly, IT is all on me.  
I have said this that or whatever to justify my fatness or my crazy diets. I have been on many too. Nutrisystem, WW, Atkins, Hey, let’s starve ourselves, Grapefruit diet and my personal favorite: Break up of Relationship diet.  They all work for a short term and that’s all I cared about. Let me look good in a few weeks. Let me show off that I am not such a loser fatty. I had issues, I will admit. Most have been worked through but this damn weight. It is like a noose around my neck. I was looking hot last summer and then….fuckk all I gained 30 lbs back.
I love to say it was cause I was madly in love . I am happy but far from in love. So, as with many people who struggle with their weight, I am back at it. Stress at work and such doesn’t help but that is the least of my problems. My problem is really just me. I am a lazy dieter. The food I can handle. It’s the exercise for exercise sake…blah. I like to hike, swim and play tennis. Hell, I will even play soccer or volleyball. But running on a treadmill or the elliptical are soooo boring. Now, if I could be chasing after something or running away from something, I might move my ass .
So ,here I am again. It is January and I need to get rid of my final 80lbs ( 40 I gained and the 40 I was suppose to lose). It will be a struggle because of my own stubborn brain wants to drink beer and cook all day. But those who know me have seen me on the other side of my stubbornness…ie thinner. I am not even looking to be a rail. Just like to be a size where I was last summer maybe even 10 lbs lighter or 20.
But all boils down to two things:

Ok, that’s just one thing. But that is really all to it. Move your body and eat better. Pretty damn simple. And stop with the diets because they don’t work. 1300 to 1800cal a day  for women, depending on your activity level( to lose weight). Do HIIT workouts with weight training, it is all pretty simple. Go on Pinterest  for god sake and get tons of information.  I am also very lucky to have a few friends also working on weight loss ,which is a wonderful thing to have some support. But in the end, it’s on me whether I will be this weight or if I can grow a set and lose the weight .Only time will tell , I guess.

But for right this moment, I am a fat women. Of course, I am also a sensual, intelligent ,beautiful women that can cook you under the table . And those are my constants, they never change. Well, except I will probably get more sensual, more intelligent and more beautiful as I get older.

My weight is not what defines me. I could be 300lbs and will still be all of the above.

My favorite new food 
Red Pepper tortillas

Sunday, January 19, 2014

All natural and pack full of flavor

I am not a natural writer as evident in the blog. I don't even pretend to be even a decent one. But it will never stop me from writing or growing as a writer. I don't have huge aspirations to even be a writer of a well received anything. I just want to say what is on my mind. I don't get to express my thoughts about food and music or whatever to many people in real life mostly because of geography and also ,the people I hangish out with are more interested in idle gossip..BORING!

So , I have chosen to basically talk to myself here. I don't mind. At least I can go on and on about the merits of a making  demi glacĂ© from scratch or why Till's thighs make me want to climb him like a tree. I would hope  though, in someway ,that you get a kick out of what I talk about ,maybe learn something or just shake your head in pure amusement . I have been , well, not in a great place the past couple of years. I have my smile, my laughter and I guess the person I forgotten I was. I used to define myself as everything but Gretchen....the most important definition of me is her( I just spoke of myself in the third person...geez, wonder what the therapist would say to that). That's why I want to write more now:I am pretty damn interesting and the  very least, like I said,I will amuse you with my words.

So , as always, bear with me  when it comes to the spelling and grammar. It will get better, I swear.
There are not many things I am really good at except cooking, useless music stuff and mindless trivia but this... This is something I want to be good at.

On a side note, I so don't want to work tomorrow . Big day for me and staff: New beginnings and all that sentimental bullshit. Blah.

Can I just run off with the first wagon of gypsies? I bet you would get a good price for me.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Words are meaningless, And forgettable ....

I was reading a blurb of an article that spoke of a recent study that observed a group of men starting in their 40's till their 70 s and  the effects of drinking more than two pints of beer a day 
They had memory loss.Signficiante!!!!!!

Well, no shit. 

Thanks for wasting money on something one only has to observe , as a laymen, on any Friday or Saturday night. Well, befriend a cook and you will no doubt see the effects of beer of their tiny brains.
And it was only the gents who had signficant deterioration of memory ,verbal fluency and mathematical ability. The ladies had some loss but not enough to warrant it being included in the report...bless

So basically, be a drunk in your 20's and 30's because when you hit your 40's , it's all over. 
Not to mention the liver disease ...but phish. Memory loss will make you forget you have liver cancer or cirrhosis , so your fine

Have a pint on me.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Would I stay here forever and not be satisfied?

I ammmmmm back!

Did you miss me?
I am sure you did. What with holidays and nonsense that ensues during parties and gatherings, I am probably that light......that  joy , you reach for before stumbling into a bed of a bewildered one night stand or annoyed partner/ spouse whose evil eye peers in the dark ,batting at the light of your phone or iPad as you search your feed or twitter for one ounce of the little joy I bring to your lonely life.

Then again   I could just be an amusement added joy to an already joyous life. My part being played as a silent( silent ,she says) nomad that blisters across the tundra of these passing days with words of grace, beauty and above all sillness . Words echoing light and dark , of a past life that was lived in the shadows ; now an arm, a leg , a untangled soul stretched out of a crumpled mess .

So ,here I am again. 

Freshly scrubbed of the years dirt and ready to be bold  in a way that will make you smile. You will feel compelled to speak, to converse, to riddle me with questions that I openly answers .

I will be your 

Or I am just a women with a duck on her head.