Sunday, January 26, 2014

I surrender all control, to the desire that consumes me whole.....

So, I am moving.

Well, actually I already did. I moved to another town(?) I guess one could call it. It really is more of a village though one has to to scratch ones head at the concept of villiage, town and city around here. But besides this curious notion, I have moved into "town"but not to where I like to be.

I always thought I was an east coast gal. I spent all but 4 years on the east coast from Floridia to New York. There were many teenaged summers spent in Toronto and many more trips to Montreal and NYC as a young adult. It wasn't till I was married and my ex wanted a change after living in Florida for four years that the west coast become my home.

Side note here: you will see a pattern emerge if you haven't already when it came to me and the person I was in a relationship with in regardes to where I lived.

We  moved to the Seattle area and I knew that was it for me:I had found my home away from home. If it wasn't for the fact I was in a terrible place while separating from my husband, I would still be there. But ,I came back to NYS....blah.

Since 2012 , I have been getting into my families mind that once my kid graduated high school I was leaving. Nothing..not a amazing job nor a man would keep me from leaving. Only exception would be a parent dying and then it would just be me moving them out there, too.

Before 2012 ,I going to move to Chicago with my then boyfriend. I was never  really interested in moving there but I had that idealistic view of " he made sacrifices for me, so what the hell as long as we are together". It's not that I don't like Chicago. Of the times I have been there ,kit's been great. I just hate cold, harsh winters. Now the food scene is amazing . But this is why I want to move to Portland. 

The awesome food scene. And there a lot of cities with amazing food scenes, like Austin,NYC ,London, Berlin and Seattle to name a few. But Portland , like Seattle, there is something to it. The city itself lends to a great food scene that is not just a fad or trend. It's an area where I could do anything for a living via my chosen profession.

I am lucky to have a career that enables me to do anything in the food industry. One idea I had contemplated when I was with my ex bf was a  traveling food writer. But one where the two of us backpacked it in Europe to experience the smaller , not as well known side of food. My ex is a much better wordsmith than myself and I envisioned he would be the writer of what I was saying as we experienced food through a low budget , two "kids" kicking it around Europe. My real incentive for the ex to go with me  was we go to a lot of soccer matches  while traveling. I suppose that just getting out of town and spending months with me might have needed a little more draw to .
But best laid plans and all......that idea is shelved for now for many reasons. All of them,of course, valid but at same time , I win the mega ball and you would only hear from me via this blog.

Maybe with my millions I can spend the rest of my days traveling everywhere and eating / drinking then calling my parents for bail money .

All I need is a dollar...

And to dare the impossible dream.....

But more so, I need a dollar.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Waves of Regret, Waves of Joy......

So work...yeah.

So , where I work is going through some major changes. Some on the surface, so behind the scenes. I know a lot of what is going on and I don't press my big boss that much because sometimes less is more . There are times I was left in the dark on purpose to either save face, or for me not to have the ability to react ahead of time. I tend to react quickly and sometimes it works against me. This I was told just the other when it was explained to me this very thing.

But anyhow.....I am now dealing with another unit and it's not so much a mess but boy it could stand for a good shake up. It was suppose to happen but cake got crushed and I am gluing shit back together.  The challenge is getting my staff on board and worse mangers. Lord save me.

Staff so far least to my face are on board. Go staff!!! The gaggle is responding. Next is to actually make some cash.

Did you hear that? It was my head hitting the wall repeatedly. It is what happens when I talk to people who are dumb and want to stay boring and become complacent .  I am already bored and have to keep myself amused.

Did I mention I have been making espresso milkshakes?  And I made kale chips and you would have thought baby Jesus rolled into town. I actually can't wait to see what I come up . I am stealing many ideas I " helped" with at the other retail unit..(when I say helped , really my manager was bored like me and did stuff that kept him amused and I just said.."ok...but can I help, pretty please"). Some of the things, I am like, duh come on people.

This week has definitely been interesting. I also got my original office back and learned my sous chef was not doing his job.

Go team!!

Oh and I got tossed under the bus  by a manager. To bad it didn't actually do any damage to me. Dumb, really ,really dumb move on their half.  Things can get petty very quickly around there.  Thankfully , even though I have gained some weight back, I can still run with the big boys.

Bad,Mad and way to Fat.

Yes…I am fat.

There, I have owned up to it. I am an overweight women

I struggle almost everyday of my existence dealing with my weight. I have lost huge amounts ( two times I have lost over 100lbs) and both times either gained all the weight back or a good part of it. I am not so much as ashamed as frustrated with my own dumbness.My best friend has pointed out this is the way of G. I lose a lot of weight …not the right way and then gain a majority of it back. Then I get mad and frustrated and gain more weight(she didn’t say that part, I did)
I know they say that you will only be successful at something if you really want it and by golly , it’s true. Now, no one is shoveling food down my throat or tieing me to a chair( though,Rawr…bring it on) so, my fatness is all on me. Not my mom ordad , not my ex husbands or my ex boyfriend. I could say  the lack of support from the ex husband or the emotional tie I  formed with food when I was with my ex boyfriend were reasons as I am sure these were spoken from me at one time( I say a lot things in my life, a lot of what I say is dumb ). But honestly, IT is all on me.  
I have said this that or whatever to justify my fatness or my crazy diets. I have been on many too. Nutrisystem, WW, Atkins, Hey, let’s starve ourselves, Grapefruit diet and my personal favorite: Break up of Relationship diet.  They all work for a short term and that’s all I cared about. Let me look good in a few weeks. Let me show off that I am not such a loser fatty. I had issues, I will admit. Most have been worked through but this damn weight. It is like a noose around my neck. I was looking hot last summer and then….fuckk all I gained 30 lbs back.
I love to say it was cause I was madly in love . I am happy but far from in love. So, as with many people who struggle with their weight, I am back at it. Stress at work and such doesn’t help but that is the least of my problems. My problem is really just me. I am a lazy dieter. The food I can handle. It’s the exercise for exercise sake…blah. I like to hike, swim and play tennis. Hell, I will even play soccer or volleyball. But running on a treadmill or the elliptical are soooo boring. Now, if I could be chasing after something or running away from something, I might move my ass .
So ,here I am again. It is January and I need to get rid of my final 80lbs ( 40 I gained and the 40 I was suppose to lose). It will be a struggle because of my own stubborn brain wants to drink beer and cook all day. But those who know me have seen me on the other side of my stubbornness…ie thinner. I am not even looking to be a rail. Just like to be a size where I was last summer maybe even 10 lbs lighter or 20.
But all boils down to two things:

Ok, that’s just one thing. But that is really all to it. Move your body and eat better. Pretty damn simple. And stop with the diets because they don’t work. 1300 to 1800cal a day  for women, depending on your activity level( to lose weight). Do HIIT workouts with weight training, it is all pretty simple. Go on Pinterest  for god sake and get tons of information.  I am also very lucky to have a few friends also working on weight loss ,which is a wonderful thing to have some support. But in the end, it’s on me whether I will be this weight or if I can grow a set and lose the weight .Only time will tell , I guess.

But for right this moment, I am a fat women. Of course, I am also a sensual, intelligent ,beautiful women that can cook you under the table . And those are my constants, they never change. Well, except I will probably get more sensual, more intelligent and more beautiful as I get older.

My weight is not what defines me. I could be 300lbs and will still be all of the above.

My favorite new food 
Red Pepper tortillas

Sunday, January 19, 2014

All natural and pack full of flavor

I am not a natural writer as evident in the blog. I don't even pretend to be even a decent one. But it will never stop me from writing or growing as a writer. I don't have huge aspirations to even be a writer of a well received anything. I just want to say what is on my mind. I don't get to express my thoughts about food and music or whatever to many people in real life mostly because of geography and also ,the people I hangish out with are more interested in idle gossip..BORING!

So , I have chosen to basically talk to myself here. I don't mind. At least I can go on and on about the merits of a making  demi glacĂ© from scratch or why Till's thighs make me want to climb him like a tree. I would hope  though, in someway ,that you get a kick out of what I talk about ,maybe learn something or just shake your head in pure amusement . I have been , well, not in a great place the past couple of years. I have my smile, my laughter and I guess the person I forgotten I was. I used to define myself as everything but Gretchen....the most important definition of me is her( I just spoke of myself in the third person...geez, wonder what the therapist would say to that). That's why I want to write more now:I am pretty damn interesting and the  very least, like I said,I will amuse you with my words.

So , as always, bear with me  when it comes to the spelling and grammar. It will get better, I swear.
There are not many things I am really good at except cooking, useless music stuff and mindless trivia but this... This is something I want to be good at.

On a side note, I so don't want to work tomorrow . Big day for me and staff: New beginnings and all that sentimental bullshit. Blah.

Can I just run off with the first wagon of gypsies? I bet you would get a good price for me.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Words are meaningless, And forgettable ....

I was reading a blurb of an article that spoke of a recent study that observed a group of men starting in their 40's till their 70 s and  the effects of drinking more than two pints of beer a day 
They had memory loss.Signficiante!!!!!!

Well, no shit. 

Thanks for wasting money on something one only has to observe , as a laymen, on any Friday or Saturday night. Well, befriend a cook and you will no doubt see the effects of beer of their tiny brains.
And it was only the gents who had signficant deterioration of memory ,verbal fluency and mathematical ability. The ladies had some loss but not enough to warrant it being included in the report...bless

So basically, be a drunk in your 20's and 30's because when you hit your 40's , it's all over. 
Not to mention the liver disease ...but phish. Memory loss will make you forget you have liver cancer or cirrhosis , so your fine

Have a pint on me.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Would I stay here forever and not be satisfied?

I ammmmmm back!

Did you miss me?
I am sure you did. What with holidays and nonsense that ensues during parties and gatherings, I am probably that light......that  joy , you reach for before stumbling into a bed of a bewildered one night stand or annoyed partner/ spouse whose evil eye peers in the dark ,batting at the light of your phone or iPad as you search your feed or twitter for one ounce of the little joy I bring to your lonely life.

Then again   I could just be an amusement added joy to an already joyous life. My part being played as a silent( silent ,she says) nomad that blisters across the tundra of these passing days with words of grace, beauty and above all sillness . Words echoing light and dark , of a past life that was lived in the shadows ; now an arm, a leg , a untangled soul stretched out of a crumpled mess .

So ,here I am again. 

Freshly scrubbed of the years dirt and ready to be bold  in a way that will make you smile. You will feel compelled to speak, to converse, to riddle me with questions that I openly answers .

I will be your 

Or I am just a women with a duck on her head.