Monday, March 17, 2014

You'll stumble in my pudding.

I should be a better hostess of my blog. I know , I know.
I wish I could blame something of importance like work or illness, death in the family or broken heart. But honestly , though some of that has happen(and some hasn't) I have just been lazy , actually.
Well ,lazy and depressed but the depression has made me lethargic and unable to feel any sort of joy one feels when expressing joy of their passion. And I do have a great sense of joy when I cook or talk about cooking / food. 

I hit rock bottom 3 years ago after tailspining out of control for a few years ; going into a really bad depression that felt like it was never going to end. That is  untill my best friend said in her all nice way,"cut the fucking shit and get back into therapy".

So,three therapist later( a year I am on my third therapist , problem?) and I have learned many things.

Like I suck at arts and crafts. Ok, maybe the craft part. The art part I think I am pretty good at. I will never be a fantastic artist but hey, my parents actually still put my stuff up in their house in a nice frame. If that isn't parental support , I don't know what is. But I am not a knitter or a scrapbooker. Augh, I get hives just thinking about it.

I figured out I am a hunter of sorts... Mostly of cool and odd antiques. I love digging around and riffling through shit to find that odd little piece that someone is selling cheap because they have no idea what it is. Clothes and jewelry have always been on my lists but now it's decent vinyl and home stuff like kitchen gadgets or bar wear ; more unusual the better.        

I also learned I take on to much responsibility for other peoples happiness and yet care so little for my own or for my own well being. In other words; I don't use my big girl words. Like stop to no. Or worse, please help me.  Though my favorite right now is ," can you please just give me 5 minutes to think in silence". 
One problem ( yes ,one....I am to tired to indulge you with all my newly discovered problems or as I like to call them quirks) if you can call it that , is that I don't like being groped. I thought it was an insecurity or self esteem etc . Turns out ,not it. I just was man handled so many times as a young, female cook that it actually turns my stomach when someone smacks my ass or grabs at me. The worse is having a male cook rub up on me( to bad there is no sound on here cause I just dry heaved ). I am sure other young ,female cooks have endured this. Heck , probably even some male cooks. Personally,I have   never done this to any of my staff, ever. Sadly, I have had some of my colleges in my present job rub up on me and just took it; laughing it off cause  god forbid I act like a lady and get repulsed by their action. Then I am a bitch or a ...( cover your eyes) cunt.

Though one day , one of them will find a shank in their wieners.

By shank , I mean a lamb shank..( I was going to make a joke here but my mind drifted off to a delish lamb shank braised in a pilsner for 8 hours then coated with a mustard ,gherkin  and Demi sauce. And hot , buttery spaetzl . Mmmmmmmmmmmmm)