Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Flying Monkeies EVERYWHERE!

I am so not enjoying this feeling of being someone's pet project.

I mean really, at 40 years old , I have some clue of what I am doing. I just need people to back away and not micro manage me. That is the most irritating thing . I am seriously! I am not some strung out coke head of a chef in her 20-30's doing blow off the waiters tight stomach every night...not that I have ever know such experiences(wink wink ..nudge nudge).

I am fairly responsible with the company and for my own actions. Reckless when it suits me, mindful of the greater picture and I think we can all say that if I actually had an ego, I would be that coked out whore of a chef somewhere, not where I am now.

So why now am I getting all the interest? Oh I know you have ignored me. Pfft...whatever. It is all good. I am glad you FINALLY noticed that I am a complete basket case because I am McGeyvering  here and along with twice doing two sometimes three full time persons jobs. And yet , I am the project.

Now grant it , I have not been told in so many words that I am because that would be insulting and I would probably get pissed off and make a scene ...least I think they think I would ..lol Oh to be a female chef among silly male chefs . I guess dealing with other female chefs who are super girly then dealing with me who, for this post is very ungirly, is new to some. I was complimented on my ungirlyness ...at least I think they were complimenting me.

So now I have to yet again prove myself capable. It means more sleepless night, more staying late, more headaches and more fighting a system that is failing because like a 1 year old shoving a square block into a round hole ,some parts don't fit properly or rather not at all. But why fix a problem...lets just wait till the whole system fails then blame each other....that's a SWELL IDEA (

Let me phase to watch Robot Chicken........

Ok, where was I???
Oh I am exhausted from thinking to much and thinking about the work it will take to make my units awesome...wait I mean AWESOME.

I kill for a pepsi max right now...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

yeah you got my back against the wall ...

I am a lot of things...

eclectic music taste loud crass bipolar a bit nuts caring stubborn giving(to much) sensitive mellow self destructive

One thing I am not is someone who enjoys petty bs from anyone especially from people who I liked...note the word liked. I am a fairly easy going person,even when I am stressed out. What I don't like and what gets me me worked up and my panties in a twist is when people around me make me look bad. I personally do a very good job at that and do not need any further assistance from ANYONE. I have a person I know(downgraded from friend) that has whined to the higher ups about something I helped them with that they can't do it when I showed them how to do it. They didnt even bother to call me first to see if I could help. Nope, just go to the boss and fuck me over a little bit. Then they refuse to give me back something unless I text or call them. Normally I might think it was cute if it werent for the fact they have an attitude about shit like he is always soooo busy and acts like I am not. Here in lies my stubborn side.I always thought friendships were two sided ..give and take etc etc. I am not a stalker..I am 40. I have better things to do with better friends who I care a whole hell a lot more about. And if he even bothered he know that my life is all messed up right now( not in a bad way, just in a very hectic oh shit I have tons of crap to take of and I am exhausted) .

Another thing I am dealing(that's on going) with is my staff and other managers. I happen I work with a few high strung people that have a tough time controlling what I like to call their"emotions" . They get worked up over little things and just keep talking about it till I want to toss them in the deep fryer. Others are just there to deal with their 10 hr day and then they are gone. No extra work ,no helping out . Nothing. What they dont understand is that in order to get the shit we need to get done , we need to work long hard hours. And yet it is only me(besides my boss) . I feel like being tested and while I enjoy the challenge, I don't have all the tools to help me and I am alone in this fight.....alone in the sense that I carry the burden of it .

I have 4 weeks to figure some stuff out while doing my day to day stuff, write two large menus, set up a few action plans, move, lose weight,find a sous chef(anyone with culinary experience PLEASE!!!), Do three fairly sizable events(one with the nob from above)and be a mom and"wife"...It isnt all that bad just a lot on the plate. Basically a 40lb turkey on a B&B plate.....lol

I need a drink, foot rub and a beach time......ya shelly, I am looking at you!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

nice and SQUISHIE

That's my brain right now. I have no idea if a brain can get over flown with information and stress but GOOD lord mine has reached that point of over flowing info. and I have to now figure shit out for my entire group. I wonder if it is to much to put on an already full plate and whether I am the person to do it. Then again maybe in my mind I am just busy but really I am not. This is how my mind works. So now I have to get people motivated to want to work harder for the same pay, managers to care and be consisted and for upper managers to back the fuck off so I can do my job...and do it everyday consistently which oh my is the PROBLEM. and answering dumb questions like how can the Italian wedding soup be veggie.....well take the fuckin meatballs and chicken out and its FUCKING VEGETARIAN!!!! It is a wonder that my brain doesnt come out of my skull and smack people!!!!!!!!!! eeegadesssss!!!!!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I won

So I won a subscription to Easy Eats Gluten Free Magazine from FOODIEBLOGROLL!!!! i think it is very cool since I have a lot of GF students. One of my supervisors is very excited and said..."Good , now you can cook for me!!" Will give update on what the magazine is all about once I look at it!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

6 more years

So my man (best way to describe the love of my life) had suggested the other day he could be my sous chef. While this is, in essence, a great idea for my sanity,his lack if of experience where I need it would be problematic. But he did bring up a good point for long term me and him. We have a solid relationship that has its UPS and downs but which like any truly great relationships does. We do have one definite goal: to open a joint to call our own. We have a sort of idea of what it will be. Obvious there will be food. But my idea of a changing season and availability menu might be to ideal depending on how big we to. I like a small English pub looking gastroish pub where soccer is king. I think the man is gearing towards this too. What is nice is that besides this ONE time I made crappy shrimp, he trusts me fully and I have to say he is one my most passionate supporters. But it all has to make sense...the location,interior,food,beer etc etc. Then there is location and I am not even talking what part of what city... How about what part of what city in which STATE in what part of the USA It is going to be a long 6 years...

Sucks to ur ashma..

So today was going well till chef buddy laid into me about our last week plating.... I really wonder if he thinks I don't know that I need to control the kitchen. That it works better if we have a calm kitchen... Well no shit. But when I feel my higher ups breathing down my neck and u sort of want to impress...and shit ain't happen the way its suppose to , I get upset. Not with the staff , with myself. And sure I understand that it effects them but they have worked with me long enough to know this. But while he is right on some level he I believes that this friendship gives him A right to be all in my shit.... Crap.....I just realized it does give him the right! CRAP....... And then he goes and says something nice..... Damn him!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


i just like to say that no small phones or large imaginary friends were hurt during the last two posts......

one has to wonder if my higher ups have gotten wind of me yet?

Are you talking to me???

ok ok...fuck it, I am going to just come out and say...

who the friggged frag are YOU to tell me what is and isn't important in my kitchen????

what gives YOU the right to say I am looking to hard to find something wrong when a grown adult with a semi decent brain can STILL not get that when cooking crap tasting/looking or medicore foood is not acceptable and that I am not standing for it anymore??

It may fly in your kitchen , BUT piss off !! It doesnt fly in mine.

AND....if the person I am "scrutinizing" has a known and long history of this and YOU know this already then double middle fingers to you. BACK OFF and show a little support and maybe advice on how to rid myself once and for all of them. Patronizing  because your a boy chef or because you think your all that , is not cool.

THIS is why i dislike other chefs

It's not you but it is definitily not ME......

I am insecure….I admit it. I have an ego but while it is nice to have it stroked I don’t seek it out nor do I care if people  like something I have prepared that I am really proud of( ok sure it is NICE they enjoy my food like I do but sometimes their enjoyment is second to my own pleasure at doing something new).

And I get mad at people, who think it is a good idea when I am upset about something , to tell me I shouldn’t be upset because it  effects my team in a negative way. Because of course YOU have worked for me for years and worked with my team , so of course you know how they are feeling. I am not fond of other chefs. I am especially not fond of other sous or even executive chefs who waltz in and think they own the joint and start changing the menu without asking or the very,very least saying something to me about changing my flavor profile.
I am a lot of things wrong, but when it comes to flavors , not with standing the ONE time I made Tequila Shrimp and it was some kinda of awful, I know my flavors and I enjoy simple, clean and crispy flavors that are also unexpected at times. I am not here to reinvent the basil plant, but I do know what I am doing.
And DON’T think because you’re young and full of piss and vinegar you can take over my operation….i will beat your ass down quickly. And if you are so bold, you better do shit right and not overcook my sugar snaps or put my tenderloin in the fridge after searing it before cooking it(still shaking my head)…especially when the big wigs are standing right there.

But I am still insecure….not about my abilities but on how I am preserved I guess. Of late I have been tired and just feeling lethargic….mostly cause I am tired and overweight I think. But mentally slow too.

And this new chef is driving me nuts. I guess it is actually mostly me because I don’t know how to handle ,not only men as friends, but the notion that someone new WANTS to be my friend(  I am complicated even when I am not). I am not even sure why I am writing this…maybe to just have it out on paper to see where the insane brain is going. I know in the beginning I thought more of him then he I and now , while I like him and find him funny and a good chef friend, that is all it is….chef friend. We wont be hanging out or doing stuff together with our families as my little stupid head imagined . And I have issues I guess with our friendship in general. Like I am a texter….i like to text stupid shit even when I am busy. But I also like people to be the ones to start the conversation sometimes..otherwise I feel needy and stalkerish if I am the only one interested in talking. My best friend in the world and I are famous in my household for the number of texts we have between us in a month. It’s because I see her once a year or so…the contact makes me feel and I am sure her too, that we are a part of each other’s lives. But I don’t feel this way with this boy( and he is a boy) He also tries to hard to get inside my head. My head in hard and stubborn and resists everything till it is ready. It is not the best method of dealing but I rather not speak than scream like typical chefs. My brain likes to slow down and think what went wrong , where did I fail and why am I making Gretchen(me) feel this way…

Yes my brain speaks….Doesnt’ Yours?

But enough of him…let me just end that part with saying I like him he likes me but work friends is all it will be until he gets his head out of his ass..but I am not one to wait around and see if that happens…mama got shit to do.

So to top everything off I am getting uppity about my company pushing a sous chef on me, from the outside and not promoting from the group within. But they don’t let me know the whys of shit and frankly I am not going to get into it. But I am certainly not going to hire any yahoo. But my gut says I will be forced to hire someone I am not keen on. The applications thus far …nothing screams woohooo to me but it might be because I am annoyed about the whole thing.

AGAIN….I have issues..lol
The insecurity is shining through that maybe I am not doing a good job and that maybe I am a lazy chef. This year has been tough like the others. I can never catch a break in the beginning  of the year it seems and when I get geared up to make changes the following semester I get swamped with catering. This is WHY I need a sous chef…so they can deal with some of the BS I just don’t want to anymore. I need someone that can spy on the staff for me and help me get the info I need to fire people. Plus with a sous I can work at the other dining hall more.

But I am not whining about any of it. I personally hate behind the scenes bullshit and think people need to be upfront and honest. Then there would be no cocky chefs, insecure chefs or bitch chefs.
Well , I doubt we get rid of cocky chefs …part of the charm of male chefs is their cocky attitudes but I have to say there is cocky and then there is being a cock….lol

Friday, July 22, 2011

What ya going to do about it..

Ok so it is Thursday and I didnt write on Tuesday. SORRRRRRY.

I blame the chef I was helping out....for no other reason than he will never read this AND I can get away with it.

So anyway....

Helping this new chef out has brought up a lot of feelings and No, I don't mean like stir the groin sort of feelings.
More like ":HOLY SHIT my unit sucks". There are many really great qualities about where I work but the further we get into stuff in the years, the worse things seem to get.
How do I get people motivated to care about the food they are producing or is it after trying several different tactics even writing them up nothing working, is it time to just say.." Sorry but you are not willing to adhere to company policies as laid out to you 7437324703246325 times, please leave".

I am not the greatest chef or manager. But I care enough about the client and even my staff to give people chances but when it becomes a joke about how we never fire people then shit needs to change.

I have a certain agenda that I have to get across to everyone including upper management which seem to forget I am above them because as it is food service based business and I am the Executive Chef, it falls on me and my boss when shit gets fucked up.There seems to be this inability to say..You are in charge and you need to listen to her and work together. I am not really looking to be my other managers boss, I am looking to be in charge and left alone to work with my staff. To many damn chiefs and none can just be a lacky.

So I have a fight on my hands I know from at least two people directly under me.And a manager who is beyond paranoid. I have no melcious bone in me what so ever . But I dont like getting backed into a corner because then I come out and I am not very nice about it. I work hard and do not like when people who DON'T know better interfer with what I have to do as put forth by my own mind and that of my bosses.

So I HAVE struggle on my hands and with a mind like mine that right now is struggling with her own demons( and by that I mean me ,myself, and I...since I have no vices ,no addictions.)it is not the easiest of parties to participate in.

But it is my life and while I not wish it on anyone it is a life worth living and I don't really question the stupid shit parts. They are just part of the grand scheme of things and while I can control some of it, the other parts need to play out and come what may the end result will be just that....the end result...good or bad.

So for now I need to let go of the past ,even the immediate past. My hang ups need to dissipate and moving forward, in what is I like to think the middle of my career, is a necessary goal. Focus on the things that I can change for the better for all and let go of any part of my life that is pulling my soul down.

Monday, July 4, 2011

I am a bad mother FFFFFFFF blogger

ok so I have been a bit lazy.

Alright....REALLY LAZY.

But shit happens in life ...like life and one has to deal with that before one can go off and blog about it. I am not one to take a meal , take a shit and tell people the texture of said meal that was formed in the shit I just took....every time I eat and shit...mostly because I do both fairly regularly and let's face it...shit is just shit.

So I have been a busy chef. But busy period was suppose to be over BUT NOOOOOO. silly old company I work for did something even more silly...they added more schools to the group!!!

THANK GOD!New blood to the mix and new chefs.

Because I can't give to much details away , I am a part of a group where there are now four of us and we are expanding...hopefully to a 5-6 school in the next year or so. It is all very exciting since I have never had other chefs this close to me and even better..."squeal" they are all boys and GOOD CHEFS!!!!

So now I have been helping out at the latest school to join the group and the new chef etc etc.

And still helping my school and catering ,which lost yet another catering director(my good friend) to another account as she was promoted to resident director. AUGH!!!!!
All of which has made me a pissed off chef. And I don't mean I am PISSED off like I am angry cause I have been sitting around(figuratively) and not doing what I need to do.

Now....It is time to get shit done, weed out those who just want to complain and drag the rest down and lift up those who are willing to go the extra mile because it is worth it. It is cooking good food people...caring about the food and in itself giving respect to it and yourself.

Shit is going to go down and I will not be told by those under me NO. As the the team/company player of the group I think it is I that determine what is going to happen. It is ME that has been listening to the client and to our students. It is ME that bears the brunt of any negative things that will happen.

How can any person with any sense think Healthy eating and being more green is a "Fad"? Is your head that far up your ass?

It is late and I am happy that there is a new juiced up me now.

I will write more Monday.....need to pee and then sleep. ....if I can get my brain to shut off.