Sunday, March 31, 2013

Blow jobs and sauces

Lord , writing when you're "mad" and tired that should be a whole section of writing at Barnes and Noble.

So I have been a busy cooking baking bee ( I wrote that as busty cooking lol ) and 
evidence is below.

So I am heading basically down the home stretch of this year. 6 more weeks then they are gone and I can have a nap. Literally have a nap.
This is actually the more stressful time of year or it has been. But I am thinking approaching it differently. Before I have made myself upset,sick and bitchy because I took so much on to myself and never really let anyone help me. My bad. Trust issues ...lord.

Ok side bar.... Chefs should have built in therapy sessions. It should be a guarantee right that states have to provide that to all food service operations. I swear it would save the world a lot of money in the long run. Oh and bikini waxes...definitely bikini waxes.

So where was i ...oh yeah. So now I am writing 14 menus and each has to be unique and not things I have done before because it makes me cranky and bored to repeat myself . And my client enjoys the variety even if she won't admit it.
But I need inspiration......I ok need really is over dramatic .
I just made myself smile...and I honestly don't know why. Hahahaha.

This is actual fun for me...just sitting quietly doing research then twisting and turning it on its head ...making something new or a new version of it. Making multiple menus or very least writing things out till I like the way it looks or it appeals to my senses.
Writing it out is probably the most important thing for me because I usually don't have time to experiment. Most of my best work is just flying by my silk panties. Mostly it works out. I am always shocked when it does....not because I doubt my abilities but usually doubt the recipe lol.

So , I am looking to be inspired. It's actually harder than you think. To much generic crap is put there. I did watch a documentary about Ferran Adria the other day that really it made me happy. I mean head over heels happy that I am a cook. Also really would have love to have worked at el bulli( goggle it....I am serious. Google it and Ferran Adria) . The process he has with his head chefs/sous chefs and how they think and teach. .....nothing short of inspiring. But of course, I am selfish. I need more . The documentary is called Cooking in Progress if you fancy watching it. There are yeah, you have to pay attention.

I really looking forward to these last few see what I can do. far I can push things before I get a hand smacked.

Wouldn't mind a butt smacked either....RAWR .

In the wake of madness ,there is a light that never goes out ...........

It's almost 3 am and I can't sleep.

Pretty typical for me as the mind races with so much I want to write or say to feels like at times I have no one to talk to about what I want to say. It s probably the hour of the night.
I haven't been out in a while because of the need to conserve on money....eldest son off to college...( I have a kid old enough for college both makes me over joyed and OMG when did that happen)
I am feeling out of sorts but not in a bad way. I just have sooooo much to say and soooo much I want to do and soooo much that needs to get done . Mostly in my job because home life takes care of itself right now; it has to. March- May life is hectic at work. Four days off in 8 weeks. It literally sucks bulls balls.

Did you read my last post? Do you understand how much it suck to be a chef? Do you understand that we are all morons for doing it? Do you understand that we are literally insane and have no idea we are and make jokes that we are so we don't admit that we are?
Who would purposely chose a job that makes them drug addicts, womanizer,alcoholics or just run of the mill insane.
Cold hard truth....real chefs are self centered and insane . God forbid you love one of us because we make life hard...we do ! I couldn't even lie about this.. Ask any chef....go on..ask them about their spouse.
I keep looking at stuff for Chicago and Portland and think...geez I should have taken that offer inChicago when it was offered a few months ago. But I have this damn loyal thing for my kids.
Bless them .,they are my pride and joy but lord I cant wait till they are both on their own. I did wrong by my eldest. I should have decked him when he punched me in the back many months ago and i would have been stronger against him last year if I had been in a better state of mind but shit happens peeps.

But there is my head and it races like a 5 year old on crack.

I don't think I would have to deal with the stupidity of my work. But there you go, I do.

I wish to this heavenly god that men would just say what they want instead of tip toeing or being vague. You know why women get all messed up's because men just don't say what they mean in black and white. Majority of chicks under stand black and white ...not pink or gray.

One last thing.....

Why the hell don't people just stand up and be accounted for? Ya mmFucked up...who cares! Shit happens and sometimes we fail! Sometimes we fail a lot. It's life . Humans are not perfect therefore shift will never be perfect. Best anyone can do in awesome.

Oh and my sous chef N and I would be amazing together if only he just let me be the executive chef and not be so pissy about me asking question . We be like Bonnie and Clyde or Starskey and Hutch or Shaggy and schobby do. But he gets mad when I question him. Does no understand the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis? And ya know.... I will question anything and everything. ... Because I am the god, Damn executive chef. It's my neck on the line ! No one else's.
Can any of you imagine that sort of pressure

And I am doing it all while losing weight, no caffeine, no soda and trying to have a normalish life .

I so need a rub down.

Monday, March 25, 2013

All I want is a gin and tonic......

So there is a list going around that was written by a person by the name of Kloii...a

I think everyone of you need to read it. Mostly because then you might understand all this wonderful madness that goes into being a chef....a real chef. Maybe then you won't be such twats when you go out to eat and ask for stupid requests.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Oh oh Mr. Kottttter

Ok , this is sort been irritating me.
Why no comments, people?

I know there are probably some of you that just want to say .."Dear god,Learn some grammar and spelling , women!"

Hell , I asked for beer recommendation and NOTHING! I know some Germans are reading this and I got nothing. Nothing from the motherland is rather hurtful... Lol
Now , the lack of any really written love certainly won't stop me from continuing . That would be silly . But come on....a little love...pretty please ?

Haven't you longed to be free.....

My boss is really trying my nerves these past few days to the point my panties are in a huge twist and it is taking a lot of my own strong will stubbornness not to react or show much emotion to all the boneheaded crap he thinks is right.
Worse ,he blames me for stuff  that is clearly not my fault but because I am now being lumped into guilty by association which is COMPLETE crap. And so what if I associate with someone he doesn't like or worse stick up for them because clearly they actually are good for the group. But what do I know , it must be my pussy talking cause at 41 or so I clearly am clueless next to a cute boy. I must have been seduced by his charm.

Bahahahahah ...I actually made myself laugh at that.


Something is amiss right something is dead wrong in my world. Not even with me but something is going on in the world I walk around in and that's bothersome. Not that I like peace and quiet because that's just boring. A little of silly drama makes for a bit of shit and giggles, but this is different. I hate people who hide shit. Just be honest. I mean seriously there is sparing feeling and then there is just being dishonest. And sparing someone's feelings does nothing but make shit worse.  

One thing I will say about myself of late is I have finally relaxed and let go of some of my controlling nature at work. It was just a bad habit brought on by nessesity cause I was flying solo for so long. A girl just naturally relies on no one after awhile when surrounded by idiots.

So annoying.......

And to boot I am drinking a beer that tastes like a mochaccino ....aughhhhhhhhh

Anyone wealthy enough and in need of a personal chef?.......anyone? I swear all I need is a bed in a
closet and your money , to buy you awesome ingredients .. :/
Ok ,maybe a jacuzzi  bathtub and a German pool man...I swear that's it.

Oh and an I home !

Monday, March 11, 2013

Before I pee......

So I forgot to add this and I know, I know...I could just edit it but ,whatever. Again, not your blog. :).

So , this is the IPA I had this weekend. It's from a PA brewery pub that is AWESOME! I will have to take pictures of it the next time I am there. Plus there are really cute men that work there. Good food, good beer and cute men...what's not to enjoy!!!

And I would like to say that I drank this growler all weekend but, alas, it lasted only the day. I haven't a clue , but I have been par taking in a lot more drinking of the beer of late. Usually , it takes like a month to get through a six pack. Now ,two
Also , IPAs are delish ,FYI .

Anyone have recommendations?

I used to love you, but I had to kill you.

It was obnoxiously beautiful this weekend that I had to drive around with windows open and music blaring . No real destination,just drove back roads. I found there are a lot of tiny towns. It sort of made me sad in a way.
So many towns that could merge and be stronger cities and share resources better. I love NYS in someways but mostly I have disdain for it and majority of its citizens. Though I will say, there a few cities that are kick ass such as Ithaca ,Seneca Falls, Woodstock,New Patlz  and of Rochester are ok

So back to driving around. Spring makes me happy lady. I returned home with a happy ,happy me having bought some beer and rabbit. So I set myself for a yummy cooking afternoon . Thankfully , my house was empty of anyone but myself , an even better joy than you can imagine . No kids makes me happy ( don't get me wrong ,I love the stink pots. But I am an adult that likes a bit of quiet in the house. Though small confession, would have been better with another adult but hey, people need to stop sleeping in till 3 pm lol.

I didn't take pics of the rabbit stew I made but it was sick . Like soooooooooo good sick.
I did however take pictures of the bread I made. I mean I went semi old school because I did use my kitchen aid to mix the dough . But I did knead it the second proof. I also made cookies from memory.

I think the memory I have is a bit off on that one. Though they were later eaten by said above stink pots the next day, I will say , I am not a baker nor really enjoy it. But bread baking is fun. Something just enjoyable about kneading dough and rocking out to music....drinking beer just added to the joy.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I am scientifically explainable

Every couple of years I guess I need to reintroduce myself so that new people can be lazy and not go back to the beginning of the blog and read the intro of what the hell this shit is really all about.

Well first , I haven't a clue what this is all about. I write mostly what is going on in my head at any given moment of the day ,week month etc. I tend to read a lot of stuff ...wait, I am sort of jumping ahead here.

Ok , so my name is Gretchen Mayer. I am a 41 year old female( hope that's sort of obvious). I wear many hats in my life. I am a single mom of two teenage boys,a daughter, sister ,best friend ,auntie ,sil, nemeses , chef and most importantly I am me. I have been cooking professional gigs for 27 years. I have been classically and unclassically trained . So basically, I have a very fucked up sense of style and cooking .

This blog was actually started so I could work on my spelling and grammar when it came to writing,which I do enjoy . It is suppose to be just posts about what is going on in my life or the dumb stuff that occurs in this business I am running amuck in.

It is mostly silly rants though of late it has been taking on some serious undertones . Sometimes, a person just needs to get crap off their chests without actually looking at someone or hearing whatever pep talk vomits from people's mouths. Go back last few months to catch up because I don't feel rehashing the shit out of stuff yet again since , well fuck that. It's my blog.

So that's what this is about. I don't write recipes, I do post photos of stuff myself and my staff make. I don't write reviews of books but you can give me them. Nor review restaurants ,though I will talk shit about them.

I talk crap, I talk nicely ...

I just talk.

I have a lot to say and not many people physically daily to talk to about this stuff . Well actually, no one right now as the person I did I don't talk to . So I usually bore myself with this nonsense till I get tired of my voice then I write it.

Oh that's sort a lie ,my computer bear is a wonderful conversationist.

So , that's what this is all about..
My random culinary, food, farm,beer,life thoughts with a sprinkle of music, and sex.

Did you know I am fond of these three things:
Soft Pretzels

I am usually very fond of the man that brings soft pretzels, beer and of course his penis.

Penises are fun. I like them a lot.

I'll get my hat.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Raw beet ravioli with sunflower filling,pesto sauce ,walnut "cheese" and pear slaw.

Coffee crusted beef tenderloin with goat cheese on herb lavash cracker topped with orange honey BBQ sauce.

Pop goes the weasel ,cause the weasel goes pop

I had something really funny to say and sitting here all I can think is I have to go to the bathroom really badly.

So , now that that's taken care of... My friend David and I were talking about sex the other day. Mostly objects,places and whys ..usual chef talking in all honesty.

Oh FYI, David is happily married man with a wonderful wife and two beautiful little girls. ...just point of reference.

We both sort of giggled that chefs probably talk about sex in some sort of way everyday,every hour and depending on the establishment every moment we can. Culinary arts is a very sexual industry. Not just in how we talk to each other but in the foods we use.

So from the perspective of a 15 year GIRL food industry was the way to hang out with men( boys, who wants to hang out with boys) and be seduced into this world. I remember as a young lass, the world I walked into was full of 27-35 year old crusty, drug taking,beer guzzling sex gods. I was all virginal and their little project.
For four years I was treated as an equal ( ok so not really till I was 17. They treated me like a little kid till then but that's ok) . I was introduced to drugs, hard booze,oral sex, man handling,everything had sexual overtones to it, every bit of music that blared was dark and pulsating . They never wanted to have sex with me, they just wanted me to think they did. They seduced me into their world and taught me about other men and about pleasure just as they were teaching me how to sharpen my knives or make hollandaise.
These were my rock and roll gods. I still remember all their names.

Other places never came close to this place or these men. Sure most male chefs try to get me worked up about sex because I am a female. But it never works . I am usually teaching them the correct word or usage. The grab ass has swiftly been eliminated in the industry because of PC and I suppose in other industries its best thing. Food service is different though. I never knew any women sleeping her way to executive chef( god why would you) or shit like that.
My sous and I probably cross the line ( not saying we dry hump in the storage area lol) but we talk about sex a lot and giggle ..or whatever.

Then there is the food....bananas,carrots,oysters gooey duck clams,clams, horseradish root ... So many things that look like vaginas and penises .....
Then there are sexual aphrodisiac properties of foods like oysters ,strawberries and anise(licorice),potatoes( I haven't a clue) chocolate ( happy endorphins ) caffeine ,asparagus...mmmm,garlic and mustard. Then again Rhino horn ground up is said to make a man have an erection for days....

Ouchie ouchie


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Oh sweeeeeeeet baby Jesus

Nothing more than a few food porn , a drink everyone should have in their fridge and the cutest little copper pot ...oh it's sooooo cute.

Ok so the beef is an espresso rubbed beef tenderloin with shaved goat cheese on crostini. It is soooooooooooo fuckin good. I am talking melt in your mouth no coffee ground bullshit good.

Then of course is that adorable copper pot. It actually belongs to the president of the university. No , I didn't take it. The photo was taken at their house when I was doing a dinner tree last week. But it's sssssssoooooooo cute!

Then the drink. Ok , so blood orange. It's really really GOOD. Refreshing and crisp like well , blood oranges with a little bitterness to it too. To bad it's only found in Canada ...bastards.

Ad last but not least. ..... grilled halibut with cilantro mango lime sauce over warm white bean ragout. The client licked( allegedly) the plate clean.

Told ya I am good.

Stark raving sane

So what's a girl to do after being sick?

Well, have a cocktail of course. Serious ... Nothing beats chest congestion then a nice big girl gin and tonic.

Then off reading what someone in my group thinks is a next big thing because USA Today printed.
This is about food ,peeps, so play along like your fascinated by it as I am...I am not FYI.
So this article was all hey you should eat corn fungus cause it tastes like mushrooms(duh it's fungus)
Or poisson cru ,which is basically ceviche with coconut milk. Now that's far out and never been done before NEVER.

You might want to sit down for this next one.....places serving hot out of the oven cookies..EEKKK! This exists!!!! Someone wrote it as a food trend!!!!


Or (wait for it) empanadas!!! Yes! What you never heard of empanadas ? Well no fear, they are the new cupcake ,don't you know .  So I am sure there will be empanadas bakeries or pop up shops on every street corner in like ...umm never.

Ok , so even I know my spelling and grammar is a bit off and I should have an editor for myself while I write, but for fucks sake...,my kids can give you a better scoop on the food trends of the coming year.  Everything can be a food trend eventually . It depends on what the hipster kids all think is neatly or special. FYI ...I hate hipster kids. You have no taste in food ....or music. Or clothes because you insist on pay $100 for jeans I can get at St. Vinny for $.50 and  look better.

My mind just went blank....

I know it was pretty damn funny too.

Did I mention my hair smells really nice? Like ginger and water lilles.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I don't want to change the world, I am not looking for a New England

So I made myself cry today.

It was a weird feeling to be sort of blubbering in the bathroom at work ..( are you actually shocked that ,on a Saturday, I am at work?? Welcome to my catering life... 165 ppl by myself cause well, that is how I have to roll.)

But back to the blubbering and all its glory.......

As many of you know,( ok sorry for the interuption  again, but when I say many of you , i mean like the 3 ppl that know me , KNOW ME...I am sorry but I know that some of you don't know me that well or only know the small delightful rants I do and such but don't know much of the history or how I became this adorably insane beautiful lass...CATCH UP!) for about 14 years, same age as my youngest..bless his demented soul, I have been hugely  overweight. I am talking OBESE. I am not kidding .I was 320lbs in 2003. Yeah, I actually choke back the anger and tears from that.

Side note....I have my now. So please bear this in mind while reading this.
Oh and so not to have another side note or what , background check here.
I have always had issues with my weight and yes I blame my mom. But I blame her mother first and foremost. She was a piece of work who hated my father and my brother for no reason other than they both stood up to her.But yeah, for as long as I can remember I have been told what to eat and how much and made to feel like food was evil. Thinking back , my god , food was a huge thing in my family. Like it was the center of our life. We all loved it. My mum was a shall we say adventurous cook( eek) but most of the time it was really good food. And holiday time oh dear fuckin GOD!!!!! BEST FOOD EVER!!!!.But her chicken noodle soup sucks.
But funny thing was I was never fat. All through High School I was playing sports like tennis and working in kitchens but I was like 145-150lbs pretty much till after I graduated from college and met my ex husband..

So basically from an early age, I was fucked in regards to my weight in relation with food and my relationship with food in general. I get to how it messed up me mentally later in the show.

And we are back..

So three different times in my life I have tried to lose this gross amount of weight. First time was just after I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce after almost 8 years together and with  a crazy ass version of Atkins where I ate a lot of bacon , grapefruit and salads with ff dressing. I went insane. I am not even kidding you. There was even a study done with this diet that people exhibited schizophrenia characteristics. But did this stop me?? Hell no....bring on more crazy. I did lose weight... about 60 lbs.
But did I mention I was also drinking at this time...or had started to drink and I am not a drinker.

Ok , back on track... Second time was about 6 years ago or so..just before I started this job. I did the nutrisystem and I lost about 100lbs very fast. I did...i swear. But I was a women possessed. I cried at Wegmans because I couldn't find canned fruit cocktail with natural juices. Yeah, I was a mess but I lost 100 lbs and I was to, someone else, beautiful and desirable  and they were proud of me.

4 years ago, I gained all the weight and some back. The worse feeling was I knew I had done it to myself. The stress of my job , of life made me retreat into myself. And that SUCKS!!!! I was
disgusted with myself and instead of actually standing up and doing something about it , I made it
everyone' fault that I was fat. I got angry quickly, horded food and made myself pretty much a fat ugly pig. I am not being shy or such here. I was a mess. Seriously .....really bad news. I dressed badly, wore oversized clothes, cut my hair too short and wore manly shoes...yeah, I was a walking sex GODESS in doc martens.

Two years ago I began to crash. Yes , it can take two years to happens. Shut up, it's my story.
I just began to really unravel . I thought of killing myself more times than I care to think. I thought of just walking away from my family, my friends etc and just going off by myself. I kept it pretty much inside and ate myself further into blah existence. Everything suffered....EVERYTHING. I couldn't even fake being happy .

Then the bottom fell out.

I had two choices : keeping going as is and keep gaining weight till I couldn't function. Or  pull myself out of the darkness I fell into.

If you haven't guess I went with door number two.

It's been a long time since I have been this happy. It's such a simple thing. I know that many people struggle with weight loss. It is hard, especially in this day and age ,when there is no more normal which is stupid.  What's normal for me is not normal for a women my height but different body frame.
And you might say " well, how are you so different ,smart ass?" Well, I am not actually. I am just a women who got sick of being obese and sick of  feeling well, sick of herself.

I'm  doing it for me and only me. Not to make someone love me or desire me, not so my family can stop feeling pity on me, not for any other reason than because I am worth more to me happy than an
empty shell of a human that I used to be.  I found myself. Not in the hippie sort of way. But in the , " Hey there beautiful. You're wickedly funny. And oh yeah, you're cool and can rock a pencil skirt and
high heels. I remember you! ". I am calm now too. Like weirdly calm. Some how , I have just sort of
found this inner peace that allows me to just be calm...not all the time but more so than not. I am more rational and able to not stress out as quickly. I look at life differently, at people.
(Those playing 4 months I have gone from 263 to 197)
So the other side effect of all this is a new found love of food.  I look at food in awe now I guess.
Even as I cook at work , I look at things a lot different and have gotten very irritable with people who treat food badly.
Lately , I have been doing catering gigs by myself  so I can just cook without others interfering in my mind set. And it's been awesome. Some stuff didn't work out but that's the beauty of cooking. It's a
creative  process.

Ruin is the path to transformation ......

Oh so yeah, the blubbering.
So there I was , going to the bathroom and washing my hands cause well duh. And as I placed my apron back on and looked  up into the full length mirror.......

And began to cry.

Yeah, yeah.  Leave it be.

There is a point here. That food is  something to be taken serious. That the things we take in and consume have effects on our entire well being. That sometimes the stress of life need not be compounded by shoveling cookies or devouring a bag a chips.  I am not getting all preachy.

But where did the pleasure of food go? Where did cooking food well go? I really could write about
American lifestyle counter to that of our euro cousins....huge difference in how they view food andweight. I think I will.

But for fucks sake enjoy your food. It is not the enemy here. You are.

Though I am not saying have sexual relations with your food....even apple pie