Tuesday, October 15, 2013

But it tastes like warm ,squishy tasteless baby food!!

I don't like soup.

I am very serious. 

Now, I know I am in the minority here just like my distaste for Depeche Mode's apparently best ever Lp , Violator( that is a whole other bag of worms we might or might not wonder into ). But I have never been one to go " Oh gee.  I have a hankering for warm ,gushie baby food".  The idea of it is repulsive. The warmth and the overly softness of the vegetables. Christ, just writing it down makes my reflex muscle go into action. The worst part is I make really, really good soups. But then again. I make really good food in general. But I have a knack for soup making  that has puzzled many over the 30 plus years I have been cooking.
Soup making is like any cooking "style" really. There are certain aspects that need to be observed in order to produce a end product that is not greasy, cooked but not mushy and all very yummy.
Yummy,FYI, is a defined culinary word meaning tastes ,well , yummy.
The biggest mistake people make is using to much "fat" to sauté the mire poix and not drain excess fat from meats that were cooked in the pot. 

Mire poix is basically carrots, onions and celery. It can vary slightly with the substitution of leeks for onions. 99% of all savory dishes have a form of this holy trinity.  It has been around since the dawn of the days and cooking.And no matter what soup you make you will always use these three as the base. 
Other key ideas.....sauté onions and if using, garlic. Cook till light brown in order to bring out the natural sugars . Then add dry herbs and spices and rest of non liquid ingredients. Deglaze with with or vinegar to get all the fond off bottom of pan....

The fond is that sticky , crispy , non burnt particles, on the bottom of the pot. This is flavor as along as it is not burnt.

Then add you stock...simmer, thicken if need be and season with kosher or sea salt and pepper.. Soup on the whole should only take 45 minutes to an hour from start to completion to make...that includes cutting time. It's one of the easiest meals to make and is a super neato way to use leftovers.

I will admit I adore Campbell's chicken noodle...the original only. Don't give me this stars bullahit or Homestyles poo. I want original, overly salty chicken noodle. I also like Harry's clam chowder that you can only get in Washington State. I used to ride the ferries a lot  and would always get some at the little dock stop. So tacky but ohhh so Delish!

I am actually finding that as I get older , my preferences for food is getting sharper. I am to just inhaling foods or not paying attention to what I eat. ..personally at home. But that I am cooking more at home and experimenting with diverse product and condiments.

But sorry.... No way in hell anyone is going to convince me that a big bowl of soup is better than a MR ribeye with au gratin potatoes or a big bowl of udon and duck!

And no , Violator may have Halo but Black Celebration has, well, has all the AWESOME songs!!!!!! That's why it kicks Violator in the backside...any day to night!!!

I am a  weird Depeche fan.... I have a card that says so.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Big knockers

 I have been reading a lot of poetry lately .Two poets that are new to me are Warsan Shire and Andrea Gibson
Warsan's work is amazing..it's hard for me to convay  here how beautiful she strings words together and brings all sorts of emotions to surface. You are drawn into a world of sensuality , darkness and rawness. You almost want to cover your eyes but are compelled to read on because of the richness of her prose.
I highly recommend " Teaching my mother how to give birth" as an introduction.
Below is a beautiful poem

"for women who are 'difficult' to love."

"you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."

Andrea Gibson is similar to Nicole Blackman..." Raw, in your face , fuck you if you don't like ,it deal with it  ... Hold on cause I will see you on the other side "poetry.

Her books " Pole Dancing to Gospel Hymns" and " The Madness Vase" are some deep dark bone emotional crushing verses.
http://www.andreagibson.org/poems/ go here to hear her read some of her poetry...
Fourth one down......is just WOW!

Go...didn't I tell you to go? 
Seriously....go be all educated .

Saturday, August 31, 2013

You're just a big ball of pork fat and beer

Now , just wait a second....

Ok, what was I actually going to say? Literally have no idea of what the hell I was going to say.

Seriously, I had this whole awesome rant in my head...augh!

Oh yeah....

I miss restaurant work. I miss the crush of the night when the dupes are screaming at you and you're sweating like a  gutted pig. Then a shithead  customer ,who knows nothing about good food ,sends back a perfect beef tenderloin and wants us to basically burn it.

Ummm fuck you the customer is not always right. 

I so hate people who have not taken the time to educate themselves about food, wine, beer etc and then act like super cool hipsters who think dried out steak is awesome.  Food is simple and graceful. There is a beauty and honesty in food. It is not just fuel for us . It's a source of joy and pleasure . It's sinful and ballsy. It as live and destruction all rolled into one.

And not to be a huge dick,but most of you can't cook to save your lives. I mean I am a lazy cook at home but when I cook I am pretty fucking beyond amazing. I can even say that with  a  straight face. What's worse is that I live in an area where i don't even have to try and I am better than 99%. 

My problem is boredom. 

I literally have to entertain myself with thinking stuff up so I can try it just to see if it will work. It's not like I am not occupied by other dumb stuff like paper work...a very evil word to me. It is just I need to entert myself so I won't kill someone there are times when I should just stop but mostly I like to see how far I can go...lol

Right now it's gelato and fresh pasta.....Black pasta and bourbon potato chip gelato....

let the good times roooooooll

Friday, August 30, 2013

Giant sweaty anus or Ode to My Beasties

I have a heavy head. And yes ,I meant beasties.

Well, my head isn't heavy but my brain is . Probably a little extreme on my behalf ,but I do have some artistic license here.
I am sure by now you all know I think..and I think a lot. My friend Dan, who is actually sort of my superior, also is afflicted with this problem. I am beginning to think that certain types of ...people ,passionate people, have this "problem" . We just simple can not turn off our brains. It's not that we can't relax. 

Trust me....this whiskey sour is awesome right now.

It's just our minds refuse to give us rest as we try to sleep. And while I can't speak for anyone else, it's not just work related things....it's everything. I will say one thing though is that I personally don't over think or analyze things like I used to. God, that would just leave me exhausted.

My best friend David thinks that because of my bipolar that my mind simple can't not shut down. That it's on edge all the time, but not as a bad thing. I snorted my wine when he said that and his wife smacked him  ,accusing him of being mean to me. But in essence ,he is on to something. Now mind you when I told him a dream I had about killing myself and then changing my mind he had this crazy ass explanation . Not just simple, I wanted drastic changes in my life but was hesitant at the moment..lol

With the bipolar, your mind races a lot and its hard to just quiet it all down. Some folks get medicine to help and that's perfect. I found it made me want to hurt myself when I was on them and I have tried many( happy pills not like heroin). To each their own. Do what helps you meds,therapy both.


So another thing me and David talked about are these apps that tell people where you are. Why can't you just tell people where you are via texting. I mean seriously, are you lost? Shall I send the rescue dogs?
Do you really think people care that your having a cup of tea around the corner from your house? Good job! You were able to get up, get dressed and walk a block for TEA!

I actually just made myself laugh there. Stupid , I say.

So...everyone I think should have a male and female best friend....I for one have it and its actually pretty damn great. My eldest friend is my bf ,Shelly. I have known her for a very,very long time. I was in my early thirties when we meet ...lol I am not anymore. My male is my friend David. David is just as awesome mainly cause he is another chef and has a wife named Michelle. Not the same Michelle but seriously how is that possible . And she drives the same car as me...and their daughter is named with one of my favorite girl names! 
Both BFs are completely nuts like me...in a love able  ,harmless way lol. David and I were fast friends in person  friends. You know when you click with someone... Like not romantically but like.."sweet Jesus he actually gets me" sort of way. This is me and David. Two peas in a pod. It might be cause we are high strung nerd cakes, we just bonded quickly. Of course...two quickly for others not to gossip. I actually turned  on him towards the end. I can't just stop talking to him, I had to just push him hard away. And i hurt him and he Was pissed ..It sucked too. But luckily , when stuff was going a while ago, he came back into my life and made me promise never to be a dick a again...lol. He offered me an exceptional job too. I wish I could take it . It is as close to my ideal job as I could possibly want.

My best gal Shelly is exceptional. She has been the lifeline. If it wasn't for her , I would not be here. She is my anchor and she knows me the best and knows everything. My ex bf didnt even get the really dirty to the core me, only the person I appear to be.
Not much else to say about her. She makes me laugh at myself and she makes me cry too. 

I am sooo tired right now. Work is kicking my ass. I am being told things right now at work and some of it is about me and some about others and I think the latter is what has my head on fire a lot. There is stuff that will be happening soon and I am getting prepared for a role that I will helpfully be asked to assume.

I have read through this post and should probably erase it and the ramblings. But then what the hell is the point then. The blog is about me and my madness as a chef and person. I like my weirdness . I enjoy my quiet soul and my gray roots. The deep lines from years of laughing hard .

You know what.....it's just time to exhale.

Did you hear that? 

I let gas escape my bum...heheheheh 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Good Intentions

Good Intentions

Surrounded by forces I cannot control
With desire to push through 
To the darkness and light as 
Burning pulses my soul
Trapped in a space
In a box
Punch through the air 
 Intoxicating strength
Gasping for the mighty air streaming down
As it catches my fall
Exiting the shadows
With a leap
And a bound
Of joyous laughter
I was handed
The desire of a new
Has caged me
And I am tied
Happily bound

Monday, July 29, 2013

A restless body hides a peaceful soul....

Sometimes I don't know what to say. I am not sure if it is my mind working overtime or really just an empty void of the moment. 
Despite my outgoing personality, I am actually quite shy. Not in the I never speak to anyone when I am out, I just get quite around new situations and people. I like to watch people and see how they interact and what the mood is before I join in. I have a strong personality that can come off badly, so I do try to be a situational personality sort of girl.

Basically, I am not myself. And you know, it rather sucks.  I don't even think I am actually me with anyone except my best girlfriend and we sort of had to let all the freakness hang out when we spent a week in Mexico together...lol . I don't know if it is a fear or self esteem thing. It could be , who knows. Maybe it's a learned thing because of my job. There is no place for swearing or kitchen talk when dealing with clients , so you have to change yourself. 
Then there is meeting men ( since I am of the lady folk kind). Unless they are cooks or chefs, most are turned off by a strong willed, smart, HOT, bitchy, sarcastic ,geek of a women. So, there is a personality change there. Or maybe I just smell...

But it is tiring to have to keep changing or toning myself down. I was miserable for a long time because I felt I couldn't just be me....I have quirks. I am a strong ,capable person who happens to have a vagina.( a very nice one, I might add and yes, I know  TMF....blah blah.) I am surprisingly very girly too. I like it when a strong man "rescues " me from my stupidity. It feels great to be taken care of in that way. 
....  Or maybe because I turned 42 recently and figured out  that ,while this year I have changed a lot both mentally and physically,the real me has not been fully utilized.

So , instead of whining any further about it, I am just going to be exactly who I am.....


I think it was the wedding I just catered that has helped push me over the edge a bit. Lots of things went wrong and way to many people chattering. I was just trying to keep everything calm and collective. I was lucky to have a few people on hand that all I had to do is give a look( not a mean or upset one just " you're the smartest person besides me ,please help me" look and they knew what I needed done. ) It went well for us despite no lights, cold and down pour rain, working outside and running food in the mud. But they were a great group and in my 28 years of doing this was my favorite wedding. The wedding planner even said he do my wedding .

(Side note...it was a really awesome wedding that I will do a post about ...waiting for photos from the wedding party..somehow we didn't get any of the food tables. )
I actually feel in love with my passions again. I feel alive and energized because I know I am  pretty damn awesome at my job..... I just needed to cook more.

Creating something out of bits of pieces .....without thinking, just doing, this is what separates people who cook and people who cook with passion.

I leave you with this .... I was actually sent this last week...it literally made me LOL

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Be careful what you do, because life becomes the truth.....

Maybe it's the heat, lack of carbs ,or the running every day , but people are on my last nerves these days. Not everyone of course, but enough of the small amount of the human race right now has me plotting several burials in my garlic bed.

The heat has been bad here. With no AC at work or home, fans are lowing a lot of hot air back out the window..then there is the heat...bahahahahahahahaha.

I'll get my hat.

I swear I am not drunk. Not even a drop.


Sunday, July 14, 2013

Everlasting Gobstopper

I am in the middle of my extraordinary life. 

I think I need a cheeseburger.....0hhhhh donar kebab !!!!!

Maybe lay off the meditation music a bit. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Crispy... like a piece of over baked gyro meat because someone can't pull stuff out of the oven when the timer goes off

One of my favorite jobs has been working at a place in my hometown called Premiere Gourmet. I literally grew up with this store. It used to be located at the end of my parents street then moved to bigger quarters once they became popular.
After my first child was born, I had no job because my super cool sous chef job was no more( the place closed..which was too bad because it was a cool place to work). So, I acquire a job at Premiere. It fit mine and my then hubs lifestyle and work schedules. I worked with amazing people who I was (and it was one of the few times this has happen), genuinely friends with. We hung out together ,we went to each others houses and actually liked each other and there  were 6 of us ,so we were tight. 

But that was only part of it. I was liked by the owner and by fellow employes and never once felt as if people were catty or bitter bitches. Everyone wanted to be there and were mostly very happy everyday. My owner ,while a bit out there, was still a very like able and nice person. Her kids were privileged but nice kids. It was a family. Something that in food service is hard to find now a days.

 I don't feel that way at my current job.  I actually feel very much alone and on my own. But it's not a 
" oh pity me "statement. It is how it is and  no one can understand . 

EEEK ..sorry for that tangent. 

Where was I...oh yeah. So this job. It was good pay, I was liked, good hours, and then there was Peter.

Peter is/was an awesome guy. He was the master coffee roaster and beer guy.  The majority of what I know on either is because he took the time to explain things to me when I asked a billon questions that probably were fairly obvious things to him.
I learned about how to roast certain beans because of their oil content, what bean characteristics  are factors to certain growing areas and how to tell the difference, cupping,and all sorts of things. And the smell of green beans roasting...oh dear god..HEAVAN!!!! 

Then there was beer. Ok, up until then I thought Labats was killer. Yeah, little did I know the future of beer was going to be laid before me. I tried so much beer that I think my son was tipsy thru the breast milk.( yeah I said it...I breastfeed my kid..what of it bitches?) .
It was like, so much beer, so little time to drink it. I did make it through their selection by the time I left three years later. My ex hubs was not a fan of trying the new beers , which was too bad.  I do every once in a while ,when in a large beer store or coming upon a new beer , think fondly of Peter and hope that if he still is around,he is enjoying one tonight after a long bike ride.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Blessed are the cheese makers......

I am hot.

It's still 75 here and it's 11 pm. And my house is a sauna. Hobbit houses do not make very good housing if not built into the earth. They are rather slimy ,sticky and small. Seriously, the ceilings are lower than any house I have occupied( let's face it, we occupy space , not live in it and yes, I got all deep and profound there. I even got a little physics too. ...least I think I did. It's late and I am hot and there are like 3633346464644646474733737 things in my head right now.)

Sorry, I got a little distracted.......

Where was I? Oh yeah.....I am hot. And while I enjoy the heat rather than the cold, this is just stupid warm..... But I rather be sweaty than shivering. Get your minds out of the gutter ......unless you want to share your images. 

Wait ......please don't share your images , "shivers".

I don't have or maybe I did have a thought to this post but now I don't feel like talking about it. Did you ever get that way? You're thinking about something maybe for an hour or two, maybe for a day ,a week etc. . Then, when you get a chance to express it, you just don't feel like it. Maybe you have thought it over 20 times and at 21 you're done. I get that way ; it's a bad habit/ quirk of mine. 

I usually get worked up about something and don't really say anything. Then , I let it fester in my head, having little dumb conversations in there or worse, I over think things. Mind you this happens cause there are many things going on in my head. I feel like I am juggling chainsaws most of the time. 

But , I have gotten better. I think mostly because instead of talking over people or trying to put my sense into a conversation, I am just listening. Waiting to be asked a question, then giving basic info to see if the person wants to actually have a conversation or just wants to pump me for info. The latter will just cause me to shut down. I have learned the hard way that giving away all the info gets me no where, wins me no friends or loyalty  from people.

By the way...I love the term " pump you for information" it's really a dirty term no matter how you pitch it. It brings up images of being pumped like a mustard dispenser . Or sexually pumped with vaginal quivers as your end result.

Yeah, I said...vaginal quivers. Try to get that image out of your head.( please don't think of mine....but you are probably now....STOP..... Unless you make me dinner;) )

And that brings me to something....remember that Proclaimers song that was played all the fringing timeeeeeeeee.  What the hell is havering to someone ? Sounds pretty much like a made up word.....oh Scottish friendsssssssss or word people.    

I actually do know what it means..

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Win a date with me

So here is the long anticipate essay I had to do for my boss.

I am not sure how well written it is but it is rather funny I think.

Though my boss thinks I need a date......

The Pama Roma: A Love Story

12 months ago, if you told me that I would be hugging a cold , strong, silent object every time I walked past it, I would think you were talking about an old boyfriend. But it still remains the strong, silent type and I do love it: My Pama Roma Pasta machine.

Up until then I had never heard of Pama Roma or knew machines like mine existed for the less industrial ventures like restaurants or even dining halls. I have grown up, both personally and professionally, in kitchens where you either made pasta by hand or used the hamster wheel crank of a pasta machine. Both are labor intensive and honestly, I got tired after 30 minutes.

The Pama Parsi Macchine or Pasta Station is in a nut shell, heaven in a 4 foot workstation. This amazing machine can make 20 lbs. of fresh pasta in less than 30 minutes from start to finish. This includes drying time in the racks below the station. The machine comes directly from Italy all nice and pretty in a giant crate. I have to say, that actually got me really excited when I saw it on my dock.

Once open though, the real fun begins. Though most of the instructions are in Italian, I was able to find a few manuals from the Pama Roma company themselves. Now, this is a side note…whoever got the pleasure of reading my emails, in probably bad Italian, BLESS them. They answered all my questions within hour’s sometimes even minutes of me sending the emails. The manuals were pretty basic, though, and only took a few reads and remembering the metric system, before I understood what I was actually dealing with.

This machine is easier than raising a teenage boy. In its basics, the tumbler mixes the semolina flour, eggs and other liquid. By other liquid I mostly mean water. But this is where fun part of the machine comes into play. The majority of the manuals do not give instruction on different flavors and proportions. I was basically told by my lovely Pama Roma friend to “play” with it. And that is just what we did and are continuingly doing.

We have experimented with flavors as basic as lemon pepper then moved on to wasabi (we do a pasta stir fry with our spiral pasta) and even tried orange pasta just to see if dessert pasta dish could be something that was feasible (it is with a mascarpone cream. It was sort of like sweet Alfredo texture. We are looking to expand the dessert pasta by experimenting with cocoa powders, coffee powders and things like that. Flavors that were hits included spinach, tomato, basil and stout which we used with a beef stroganoff and it was delicious!

The work station comes with the basic pasta shapes: tagliolini, tagliatelle, fettuccine and pappardelle along with a basic spiral that can be made into long thin spiral or short tight ones depending on the speed of your cutting blade. The flat pasta can be made into any thickness. The Sheeter-Cutter with stainless steel roller rough will allow you, through a simple leaflet, to refine the sheet width. 200 mm to the desired thickness and to prepare tagliolini, tagliatelle, fettuccine and pappardelle in widths: 2-4-6-12 mm. This can also be used to make lasagna sheets. We have experimented with making a type of layered pasta by thinning out sheets of two pastas (Tomato and Spinach) then sticking them together and sending them through the sheeter. It worked, we think. The pasta looked like a Crayola factory exploded on the pasta. But was pretty to look at and rather tasty.

The other aspect of pasta making with the Pasta Station is the ability to use different flours such as whole wheat, buckwheat, and semolina and rice flour. Each flour requires special attention as they each mix differently, have different stages of gluten binding and kneading. But with a lot of experimenting, we were able to make whole wheat, regular semolina and buckwheat. We played a little with the rice but never got the final product to our liking. This is important for us to find non-wheat gluten “friendly” pasta. Like many college and universities, we have Celiac and wheat sensitive students that grow in numbers every year. We value their health and feel it is important that have as much of the same food their friends are eating rather than be singled out as they have had to be because of their dietary needs.

One the last pasta making components is the ravioli maker. This part of the machine, I am very fond of. We have a lot of high end events that require us to make vegan dishes. I like vegan pasta dishes because we can replace any egg products with soy, egg replacements or other types of binders that adhere to vegan lifestyle. But the cool thing is the fillings. We can do any type of fillings. We have done a taco, pumpkin, smoked salmon and herbed cream cheese, sweet potato, four cheese, bbq smoked pork just to name a few. We have also experimented with dessert ravioli adding chocolate ganache in the middle or pieces of cake. The ganache worked the best, I have to say.

The pasta station comes with a few other bells and whistles: a cooling rack (7), four drawer storage unit and flour bin. All of them fit right under the work station and the machine is very easy to take care of and maintain. One has to be careful with the parts and hand washe everything. The dies themselves are made of soft brass and can be easily damaged as we found out this spring (luckily not to badly and we were able to fix it with a bit of buffing and “please don’t be broken, please don’t be broken’s”)

Oh, the dies are another really cool part of this machine. At only $250 a piece, you could procure a small collection that could meet all your pasta making needs. There are so many choices including assorted shell sizes for basic pasta to stuffed shells, all the favorite shapes like bowtie, rotini and radiator pasta.

What I really , really like about this machine and why I hug my machine(a lot) is that I get to give my students and the staff of the university a beautiful, fresh , made in house product that they can actually see us make every day. We have given students and staff samples of the pasta as it is made right off the machine. The delight and surprise on their faces is worth it all. Majority of people that walk in to the dining hall have never had fresh pasta, let alone in a “cafeteria”. Our students acknowledge they really appreciate and enjoy the fresh pasta versus the dry type. They feel it adds a value to their meal plan especially to the parent who sees that we are serving fresh pasta every day. T We learned, from trial and error that the pasta lasts longer than expected in its dry state, when properly stored. We are able to cook the pasta off just like restaurants do, giving the client the best possible and freshest meal. And just like our gelato machine, we ask for flavor suggestions from our students. We have had some interesting ideas like roasted corn, grape juice and vodka; though I think I just might have to do the PB and J ravioli just because I can. We are hoping to in the future to package the pasta for take home use. We have been experimenting with this in the way of making “cup of soup”mixs and selling them in one of our retails. It is basically cooked diced chicken, vegetables, house made bouillon and blanched noodles. All the customer has to do is add hot water and let stand for 5 minutes. The response has been better than expected and we hope to expand it in the future.

I love my Pasta Station. I am protective and guard it like it is my child. Only one other person really knows how to use it and I would like to keep it that way. I didn’t even let my regional chef get much time on it because I want to keep it all to myself. But once everyone tasted the pasta we were making, I knew my machine would be a popular guy.

But no matter what, I am going to keep hugging my machine.

Monday, July 1, 2013

In your eyes, your pale blue eyes

This is me.... Just fresh scrubbed face me. Thought you like to see who was babbling on and on about nonsense.

I am been trying to write a paper about my high end pasta machine for my boss that he wants to send off for trade magazines, for the past three days....No pressure ,right?

Friday, June 28, 2013

Breasts like deflated torpedoes

Did you ever notice after you say something semi or for reals serious , you just think of something so very wrong that you make yourself puke from laughing so hard at your own stupidity and skanky humor?

Yeah.....that was me a minute ago. It involved an umbrella   and a platypus .


Ok so here are a few jobs , that if I lived near these cities I would consider....and I am dead serious.....look into my eyes..SERIOUSLY;)




My favorite ad:

Summer gig 

I seriously need one of you to win 150million in the lotto and be my sugar person.
 If not, I am just going to keep writing about platypus and umbrellas .

I get this feeling I'm in motion,a sudden sense of liberty ......

Well , hello there sailor!! Miss me?

Oh my dearest blog, I have missed you. I know you have missed me as you have erased a post I have been working on for three weeks.....


That's ok. One thing I do not lack is a very long tight memory. I ,unfortunately ,remember to much... to many small details have been left in the deep ,dark nooks of my brain that not even therapy can purge. Thank god insurance paid for that.

So there blog...nah nah. I still win and now I am back . My squishy gray matter screaming for all the thoughts and things that have making me giggle to be excavated so that new ,more nauseating thoughts and things that make me pee myself can get locked in.

Oh blog ...my dearest blog... Lets catch up. Go get a drink, I'll wait.
Ok , so what has been happing to you?

Ok, silent treatment.....that's rather sexy if you ask me. I dig a moody , dark and non responsive blog...rawr!!

Oh, what have I been doing? Nothing much.

No, really ,nothing much. Work ,work work, good times,work,stuff, work,drama, drama, work ...and stuff.Though work and drama could actually be the same depending on the day. Major stuff has been happening and major players have been let go or leaving. So much behind the scenes stuff with people acting as if they are KGB or something. I hadn't realized that I was still in high school till about two weeks ago. Then it actually dawned on me,  that YES, I was indeed back in high school and yes, I was still the odd kid(in a good way, not the booger eating ,toe nail clipping sticking to a canvas "I think I am dark and moody" way).There are the cool kids, the ones that know everything and everything goes their  way. The quiet ones... They make very little waves and just float along. Then there is me.

It's sort of sad that we are in our 40's and 50's and instead just actually sitting down and speaking to one another about what the big plan is, stuff is done secretively and backstabbing is taking place by people who act as if they care about you.

No one cares .....I mean actually cares. And I care to much. I see the giant picture. I am forced too. I have too. No one else can or maybe they just don't want to. People are freaking out and I guess they should be. We are not doing as well as we should . I am to blame for a chunk of it and I have fully admitted to it. I let me guard down and trusted the wrong people to handle things because I need to take care of something....But that doesn't matter because things were not handled. Things got more messed up and now there are tense days and weeks. People are tense and fragile.

I am tired and with no one to really talk to about this , I am left to figure it all out like a big girl that I am now.I don't need or want empathy or sympathy. Life is hard ,that's a given,even when you're happy like a pig in poo like I am.

But .....sometimes, just sometimes, I wish there was like a hug squad. That a team of strong ,broad shoulder men wanders around waiting for the battle cry of a women (or man. Hey, no judgement here) that just needs a strong arm around their shoulder. A hug that lasts just a little to long or a cuddle that includes stroking of the hair. Can anyone recall just lying in bed with someone in a hug without exchanging words......just lying one on top of the other or on the sofa ,huddled together ...just in silence and then feeling so much better.

Sometimes silence and a loving hold can heal and sooth so much turmoil in a persons mind and soul.

Anybody want to cuddle ?

So.......How Did i do? To much? Verbal vomit get the best of me?
I am sober ,maybe that's it.

Oh, don't look at me like that. You know you love me. It's ok. I'll keep it between us.

But seriously, I have a sweet ass couch that is perfect for cuddling. Two people can stretch completely put on it. Like normal size people....like over 5'8" size people. Did I mention I love my couch? Though my bed is sweet too. New kick ass sheets and comforter.....and oh pillows too. New pillows!!!

I am just saying blog readers out there.......just saying.

Ohhhhhhhh does anyone know how to watch stuff from your computer on to the tv? Like say a soccer match or downloaded movie ? There is a beer in it for you!!!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Little pig ,little pig get in the damn smoker!

So, I am up at this hour doing what I do best......thinking.
I am actually up because after having a few cocktails Friday night , I crashed for two hours , got up again and took my eldest to the airport for his senior trip...at 3am . Then couldn't sleep, watched terrible indie film I haven't a clue the name . Stayed up till my mind had enough at 6pm till 9:30 . So, now I am wide awake.

Actually , I was reading and doing basic research on business plans and writing proposals to get money etc. The whole thing will need someone helping me as (if you have been following this blog ,you would have noticed) I am not a fantastic speller and grammar person. I'm probably not bad at either , I'm just  sort of a lazy writer...lol

But here I am reading this book called " Eat With Your Hands" . It's a fantastic book. Crusty,Funny and the food is fantastic!
One of the recipes , for smoking a whole pig, has these listed as basic necessities :

Three cases of beer ,on ice. In cans ,not bottles
A couple of joints
2 bottles of bourbon
Plastic cups
An 8- ball
1 carton of smokes
iPod and speakers
2 head lamps
Sturdy folding chaired
Tarp tent in case it rains
3 friends who like to stay up all night and who understand the importance of maintaining a consistent temperature in a smoker and are funny as fuck.

I read that,smiled ,and thought..." I like to stay up all night"

Then I turned the page to find pictures of the pig that had smoked . I think I actually said " om nom nom" out loud in a sort of low panting sound.

Not weird at all.

I just found the recipe for pork fries.........made from braised pork belly and serviced ( yes i said serviced and not served)with aioli.
Just imagine it for a few minutes .....

Let it soak in.....

Now , stop licking your lips and dry off the drool.
Geez ,can't take you anywhere ,can I?

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I used to be Snow White...but I drifted

Settle down..I know two posts in two days.
It's a Christmas miracle for sure.

Now before everyone gets all excited , this is going to be short and sweet.
I told you yesterday that it's busy catering time and basically busy, period. Sous Chef N is leaving and I have to deal with the other one( lord give me strength) BUT...little mama( that's me ,FYI. And happy also to say I am not BIG mama anymore . Woohoo ) has big catering a to do.

These giant catered events   happen twice a year for us . So I thought I would just share how my mind works while trying to be creative and innovative.

You can see from the picture , I am all over the place. The one stack of papers are ideas from the net that I will twist and turn around on their head to make them mine. Rarely am I lazy enough to just take a recipe straight off the net and call it mine.


Oh and two of those papers have more ideas on the back.

There is a sort of Van Gogh/ Mapplethorpe way I do things.

Though I have my ears and well, my food is abstractly sexual.

What ?? It is!!

My butt hurts.....

Sorry my little blog and blogettes. Work picked up a little and my dearest sous chef is so on the verge of abandoning me that I have other things to attend to.

So , what's new with you?

( don't worry, I'll just have a conversation in my head where you say awesome stuff about me and I say stuff like ..." No really, you're to sweet." Or " please , continue". Win, win for all)

So , I got in trouble today for being sarcastic in comment cards.

Just let that soak in for a bit.

Now, I didn't swear at anyone and I did address the person it with the name they wrote...( sorry, you sign it sad fat girl, that's how it gets addressed.) And sure, I asked for large sums of money when they asked for fruity pebbles. But it wasn't like I expected these nerds to ACTUALLY have 50k on them or unicorns.
So apparently a few students just think highly of themselves and don't actually get sarcasm . Then again , most people can't spell sarcasm let alone know what it means or who to recognize it.
Look sarcasm is two things: deflection and humor. Sometimes both , but mostly one or the other. In my family , it's meant as humor. But in my life , I know many MANY people who use sarcasm because they have no soul .And they are really bad at trying to use it. Hence why they have no souls .

But did I also mention the other students who thought I was a hoot?

Yeah, who do you think gets my golden star?....not that I have said golden stars.
That would rather an odd thing or me to just have laying around.

Then again, this is me we are talking about.

Friday, April 5, 2013

I need a hug and I need some love, and I really really wish you were here.

Well, first things first........
I might hold some sort of reject contest to see if anyone is paying attention to the titles of these posts. Some are random thoughts because I giggle at myself at 3am ,after three gin and tonic. Some are lines from songs I am listening to right now...like the lyrics above. The vast majority have nothing to do with what I am writing about. I am really just trying to grab your attention or cause I like the lyrics or saying etc etc. I doubt only my brother can tell me what song the title is from without looking it up,lol.

This isn't even really a post about anything...more of a preview post of things to come.

Subjects that will be tackled in the next few days:
Local sourcing
More about food trends
"Celebrity " chefs
Cooking channel vs food network...this will be HOT!
Adversion to sweets
Menu planning that is driving me nuts
Loss of sous chef N.
Stupid things
Food porn
Food in books
Health eating...you want me to eat that?
Nose to tail eating....why you should.
My restaurant ........looking for help
My tv show idea expanded
Why top chef is silly now
Ferran Adria is a god, but Marco Pierre White is a rock star
Honest take on being a female chef ....with no sarcasium I promise.......maybe.
Tequila Shrimp: the evil that was thankfully never was.

So that should keep us all busy for awhile.

Now,I think I will go watch paint dry.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Punish me with kisses

My goodness, I swear spring will never really come to this area.

We are just fooling ourselves into thinking it might be spring because it's warm for a few days than BAM! Back to cold..not just cold,FREEZzzzzzzzzzzzing cold. I have herbs to plant,mother nature. Hurry the hell up and either keep it cold or hit us with summer. Screw spring!

So in keeping with that whole line of thought , I read an article on using compost heap to cook your food.
Yes, that was my reaction when I read the  headline. I literally vomited a little in my mouth. I know there will be tree huggers and environmentalist who will be all " Well of course you can ,dippoohead. There is natural heat that is created in a compost heap that can reach temps of up to almost 200 degrees ,so of course you can cook in them."

But why would you?

Listen , I am an odd hippy. I believe in local sourcing,reaching out ,supporting local farms and business to growing  business. I plan to do this with my own restaurant. That lowering the whole carbon footprint is good for everyone, I love wind energy and hydro-energy( grew up in Buffalo ..duh!)
But placing my raw food into the middle of a decomposing heap of stuff....ewwwwwwwwww. I don't care how well wrapped it is . It just gives me the willies.
It is not to say I wouldn't try it because well, I am an odd person and will try anything once. I ate Haggis without being dared or drunk, I think that makes me a sure thing on that front. Except eyeballs and vaginas . I just don't think I could do that.
Or penis. Or uterus ....or fingers and toes.

But I digress .

So , this seems to be a new thing for chefs to try out ....but  I doubt it will take off . It is similar to burying raw animals in the ground and covering them with coals and leaves for a few days. But still , how safe is any of it .
What kind of compost pile would you use? Would a normal food one be ok? Or would one with manure be better? But doesn't that beg the question of would it have a shitty after taste?

See what I did there?
Yeah, you can thank me later for that one.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Blow jobs and sauces

Lord , writing when you're "mad" and tired ...lol that should be a whole section of writing at Barnes and Noble.

So I have been a busy cooking baking bee ( I wrote that as busty cooking lol ) and 
evidence is below.

So I am heading basically down the home stretch of this year. 6 more weeks then they are gone and I can have a nap. Literally have a nap.
This is actually the more stressful time of year or it has been. But I am thinking approaching it differently. Before I have made myself upset,sick and bitchy because I took so much on to myself and never really let anyone help me. My bad. Trust issues ...lord.

Ok side bar.... Chefs should have built in therapy sessions. It should be a guarantee right that states have to provide that to all food service operations. I swear it would save the world a lot of money in the long run. Oh and bikini waxes...definitely bikini waxes.

So where was i ...oh yeah. So now I am writing 14 menus and each has to be unique and not things I have done before because it makes me cranky and bored to repeat myself . And my client enjoys the variety even if she won't admit it.
But I need inspiration......I need...lol ok need really is over dramatic .
I just made myself smile...and I honestly don't know why. Hahahaha.

This is actual fun for me...just sitting quietly doing research then twisting and turning it on its head ...making something new or a new version of it. Making multiple menus or very least writing things out till I like the way it looks or it appeals to my senses.
Writing it out is probably the most important thing for me because I usually don't have time to experiment. Most of my best work is just flying by my silk panties. Mostly it works out. I am always shocked when it does....not because I doubt my abilities but usually doubt the recipe lol.

So , I am looking to be inspired. It's actually harder than you think. To much generic crap is put there. I did watch a documentary about Ferran Adria the other day that really ...man it made me happy. I mean head over heels happy that I am a cook. Also really would have love to have worked at el bulli( goggle it....I am serious. Google it and Ferran Adria) . The process he has with his head chefs/sous chefs and how they think and teach. .....nothing short of inspiring. But of course, I am selfish. I need more . The documentary is called Cooking in Progress if you fancy watching it. There are subtitles....so yeah, you have to pay attention.

I really looking forward to these last few weeks.....to see what I can do. .....how far I can push things before I get a hand smacked.

Wouldn't mind a butt smacked either....RAWR .

In the wake of madness ,there is a light that never goes out ...........

It's almost 3 am and I can't sleep.

Pretty typical for me as the mind races with so much I want to write or say to someone...it feels like at times I have no one to talk to about what I want to say. It s probably the hour of the night.
I haven't been out in a while because of the need to conserve on money....eldest son off to college...( I have a kid old enough for college both makes me over joyed and OMG when did that happen)
I am feeling out of sorts but not in a bad way. I just have sooooo much to say and soooo much I want to do and soooo much that needs to get done . Mostly in my job because home life takes care of itself right now; it has to. March- May life is hectic at work. Four days off in 8 weeks. It literally sucks bulls balls.

Did you read my last post? Do you understand how much it suck to be a chef? Do you understand that we are all morons for doing it? Do you understand that we are literally insane and have no idea we are and make jokes that we are so we don't admit that we are?
Who would purposely chose a job that makes them drug addicts, womanizer,alcoholics or just run of the mill insane.
Cold hard truth....real chefs are self centered and insane . God forbid you love one of us because we make life hard...we do ! I couldn't even lie about this.. Ask any chef....go on..ask them about their spouse.
I keep looking at stuff for Chicago and Portland and think...geez I should have taken that offer inChicago when it was offered a few months ago. But I have this damn loyal thing for my kids.
Bless them .,they are my pride and joy but lord I cant wait till they are both on their own. I did wrong by my eldest. I should have decked him when he punched me in the back many months ago and i would have been stronger against him last year if I had been in a better state of mind but shit happens peeps.

But there is my head and it races like a 5 year old on crack.

I don't think I would have to deal with the stupidity of my work. But there you go, I do.

I wish to this heavenly god that men would just say what they want instead of tip toeing or being vague. You know why women get all messed up ...it's because men just don't say what they mean in black and white. Majority of chicks under stand black and white ...not pink or gray.

One last thing.....

Why the hell don't people just stand up and be accounted for? Ya mmFucked up...who cares! Shit happens and sometimes we fail! Sometimes we fail a lot. It's life . Humans are not perfect therefore shift will never be perfect. Best anyone can do in awesome.

Oh and my sous chef N and I would be amazing together if only he just let me be the executive chef and not be so pissy about me asking question . We be like Bonnie and Clyde or Starskey and Hutch or Shaggy and schobby do. But he gets mad when I question him. Does no understand the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis? And ya know.... I will question anything and everything. ... Because I am the god, Damn executive chef. It's my neck on the line ! No one else's.
Can any of you imagine that sort of pressure

And I am doing it all while losing weight, no caffeine, no soda and trying to have a normalish life .

I so need a rub down.

Monday, March 25, 2013

All I want is a gin and tonic......

So there is a list going around that was written by a person by the name of Kloii...a

I think everyone of you need to read it. Mostly because then you might understand all this wonderful madness that goes into being a chef....a real chef. Maybe then you won't be such twats when you go out to eat and ask for stupid requests.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Oh oh Mr. Kottttter

Ok , this is sort been irritating me.
Why no comments, people?

I know there are probably some of you that just want to say .."Dear god,Learn some grammar and spelling , women!"

Hell , I asked for beer recommendation and NOTHING! I know some Germans are reading this and I got nothing. Nothing from the motherland is rather hurtful... Lol
Now , the lack of any really written love certainly won't stop me from continuing . That would be silly . But come on....a little love...pretty please ?

Haven't you longed to be free.....

My boss is really trying my nerves these past few days to the point my panties are in a huge twist and it is taking a lot of my own strong will stubbornness not to react or show much emotion to all the boneheaded crap he thinks is right.
Worse ,he blames me for stuff  that is clearly not my fault but because I am now being lumped into guilty by association which is COMPLETE crap. And so what if I associate with someone he doesn't like or worse stick up for them because clearly they actually are good for the group. But what do I know , it must be my pussy talking cause at 41 or so I clearly am clueless next to a cute boy. I must have been seduced by his charm.

Bahahahahah ...I actually made myself laugh at that.


Something is amiss right now...like something is dead wrong in my world. Not even with me but something is going on in the world I walk around in and that's bothersome. Not that I like peace and quiet because that's just boring. A little of silly drama makes for a bit of shit and giggles, but this is different. I hate people who hide shit. Just be honest. I mean seriously there is sparing feeling and then there is just being dishonest. And sparing someone's feelings does nothing but make shit worse.  

One thing I will say about myself of late is I have finally relaxed and let go of some of my controlling nature at work. It was just a bad habit brought on by nessesity cause I was flying solo for so long. A girl just naturally relies on no one after awhile when surrounded by idiots.

So annoying.......

And to boot I am drinking a beer that tastes like a mochaccino ....aughhhhhhhhh

Anyone wealthy enough and in need of a personal chef?.......anyone? I swear all I need is a bed in a
closet and your money , to buy you awesome ingredients .. :/
Ok ,maybe a jacuzzi  bathtub and a German pool man...I swear that's it.

Oh and an I home !

Monday, March 11, 2013

Before I pee......

So I forgot to add this and I know, I know...I could just edit it but ,whatever. Again, not your blog. :).

So , this is the IPA I had this weekend. It's from a PA brewery pub that is AWESOME! I will have to take pictures of it the next time I am there. Plus there are really cute men that work there. Good food, good beer and cute men...what's not to enjoy!!!

And I would like to say that I drank this growler all weekend but, alas, it lasted only the day. I haven't a clue , but I have been par taking in a lot more drinking of the beer of late. Usually , it takes like a month to get through a six pack. Now ,two days...lol
Also , IPAs are delish ,FYI .

Anyone have recommendations?

I used to love you, but I had to kill you.

It was obnoxiously beautiful this weekend that I had to drive around with windows open and music blaring . No real destination,just drove back roads. I found there are a lot of tiny towns. It sort of made me sad in a way.
So many towns that could merge and be stronger cities and share resources better. I love NYS in someways but mostly I have disdain for it and majority of its citizens. Though I will say, there a few cities that are kick ass such as Ithaca ,Seneca Falls, Woodstock,New Patlz  and Rhinebeck...parts of Rochester are ok ...lol

So back to driving around. Spring makes me happy lady. I returned home with a happy ,happy me having bought some beer and rabbit. So I set myself for a yummy cooking afternoon . Thankfully , my house was empty of anyone but myself , an even better joy than you can imagine . No kids makes me happy ( don't get me wrong ,I love the stink pots. But I am an adult that likes a bit of quiet in the house. Though small confession, would have been better with another adult but hey, people need to stop sleeping in till 3 pm lol.

I didn't take pics of the rabbit stew I made but it was sick . Like soooooooooo good sick.
I did however take pictures of the bread I made. I mean I went semi old school because I did use my kitchen aid to mix the dough . But I did knead it the second proof. I also made cookies from memory.

I think the memory I have is a bit off on that one. Though they were later eaten by said above stink pots the next day, I will say , I am not a baker nor really enjoy it. But bread baking is fun. Something just enjoyable about kneading dough and rocking out to music....drinking beer just added to the joy.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I am scientifically explainable

Every couple of years I guess I need to reintroduce myself so that new people can be lazy and not go back to the beginning of the blog and read the intro of what the hell this shit is really all about.

Well first , I haven't a clue what this is all about. I write mostly what is going on in my head at any given moment of the day ,week month etc. I tend to read a lot of stuff ...wait, I am sort of jumping ahead here.

Ok , so my name is Gretchen Mayer. I am a 41 year old female( hope that's sort of obvious). I wear many hats in my life. I am a single mom of two teenage boys,a daughter, sister ,best friend ,auntie ,sil, nemeses , chef and most importantly I am me. I have been cooking professional gigs for 27 years. I have been classically and unclassically trained . So basically, I have a very fucked up sense of style and cooking .

This blog was actually started so I could work on my spelling and grammar when it came to writing,which I do enjoy . It is suppose to be just posts about what is going on in my life or the dumb stuff that occurs in this business I am running amuck in.

It is mostly silly rants though of late it has been taking on some serious undertones . Sometimes, a person just needs to get crap off their chests without actually looking at someone or hearing whatever pep talk vomits from people's mouths. Go back last few months to catch up because I don't feel rehashing the shit out of stuff yet again since , well fuck that. It's my blog.

So that's what this is about. I don't write recipes, I do post photos of stuff myself and my staff make. I don't write reviews of books but you can give me them. Nor review restaurants ,though I will talk shit about them.

I talk crap, I talk nicely ...

I just talk.

I have a lot to say and not many people physically daily to talk to about this stuff . Well actually, no one right now as the person I did I don't talk to anymore..lol . So I usually bore myself with this nonsense till I get tired of my voice then I write it.

Oh that's sort a lie ,my computer bear is a wonderful conversationist.

So , that's what this is all about..
My random culinary, food, farm,beer,life thoughts with a sprinkle of music, and sex.

Did you know I am fond of these three things:
Soft Pretzels

I am usually very fond of the man that brings soft pretzels, beer and of course his penis.

Penises are fun. I like them a lot.

I'll get my hat.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Raw beet ravioli with sunflower filling,pesto sauce ,walnut "cheese" and pear slaw.

Coffee crusted beef tenderloin with goat cheese on herb lavash cracker topped with orange honey BBQ sauce.

Pop goes the weasel ,cause the weasel goes pop

I had something really funny to say and sitting here all I can think is I have to go to the bathroom really badly.

So , now that that's taken care of... My friend David and I were talking about sex the other day. Mostly objects,places and whys ..usual chef talking in all honesty.

Oh FYI, David is happily married man with a wonderful wife and two beautiful little girls. ...just point of reference.

We both sort of giggled that chefs probably talk about sex in some sort of way everyday,every hour and depending on the establishment every moment we can. Culinary arts is a very sexual industry. Not just in how we talk to each other but in the foods we use.

So from the perspective of a 15 year GIRL food industry was the way to hang out with men( boys, who wants to hang out with boys) and be seduced into this world. I remember as a young lass, the world I walked into was full of 27-35 year old crusty, drug taking,beer guzzling sex gods. I was all virginal and their little project.
For four years I was treated as an equal ( ok so not really till I was 17. They treated me like a little kid till then but that's ok) . I was introduced to drugs, hard booze,oral sex, man handling,everything had sexual overtones to it, every bit of music that blared was dark and pulsating . They never wanted to have sex with me, they just wanted me to think they did. They seduced me into their world and taught me about other men and about pleasure just as they were teaching me how to sharpen my knives or make hollandaise.
These were my rock and roll gods. I still remember all their names.

Other places never came close to this place or these men. Sure most male chefs try to get me worked up about sex because I am a female. But it never works . I am usually teaching them the correct word or usage. The grab ass has swiftly been eliminated in the industry because of PC and I suppose in other industries its best thing. Food service is different though. I never knew any women sleeping her way to executive chef( god why would you) or shit like that.
My sous and I probably cross the line ( not saying we dry hump in the storage area lol) but we talk about sex a lot and giggle ..or whatever.

Then there is the food....bananas,carrots,oysters gooey duck clams,clams, horseradish root ... So many things that look like vaginas and penises .....
Then there are sexual aphrodisiac properties of foods like oysters ,strawberries and anise(licorice),potatoes( I haven't a clue) chocolate ( happy endorphins ) caffeine ,asparagus...mmmm,garlic and mustard. Then again Rhino horn ground up is said to make a man have an erection for days....

Ouchie ouchie


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Oh sweeeeeeeet baby Jesus

Nothing more than a few food porn , a drink everyone should have in their fridge and the cutest little copper pot ...oh it's sooooo cute.

Ok so the beef is an espresso rubbed beef tenderloin with shaved goat cheese on crostini. It is soooooooooooo fuckin good. I am talking melt in your mouth no coffee ground bullshit good.

Then of course is that adorable copper pot. It actually belongs to the president of the university. No , I didn't take it. The photo was taken at their house when I was doing a dinner tree last week. But it's sssssssoooooooo cute!

Then the drink. Ok , so blood orange. It's really really GOOD. Refreshing and crisp like well , blood oranges with a little bitterness to it too. To bad it's only found in Canada ...bastards.

Ad last but not least. ..... grilled halibut with cilantro mango lime sauce over warm white bean ragout. The client licked( allegedly) the plate clean.

Told ya I am good.

Stark raving sane

So what's a girl to do after being sick?

Well, have a cocktail of course. Serious ... Nothing beats chest congestion then a nice big girl gin and tonic.

Then off reading what someone in my group thinks is a next big thing because USA Today printed.
This is about food ,peeps, so play along like your fascinated by it as I am...I am not FYI.
So this article was all hey you should eat corn fungus cause it tastes like mushrooms(duh it's fungus)
Or poisson cru ,which is basically ceviche with coconut milk. Now that's far out and never been done before ...like NEVER.

You might want to sit down for this next one.....places serving hot out of the oven cookies..EEKKK! This exists!!!! Someone wrote it as a food trend!!!!


Or (wait for it) empanadas!!! Yes! What you never heard of empanadas ? Well no fear, they are the new cupcake ,don't you know .  So I am sure there will be empanadas bakeries or pop up shops on every street corner in like ...umm never.

Ok , so even I know my spelling and grammar is a bit off and I should have an editor for myself while I write, but for fucks sake...,my kids can give you a better scoop on the food trends of the coming year.  Everything can be a food trend eventually . It depends on what the hipster kids all think is neatly or special. FYI ...I hate hipster kids. You have no taste in food ....or music. Or clothes because you insist on pay $100 for jeans I can get at St. Vinny for $.50 and  look better.

My mind just went blank....

I know it was pretty damn funny too.

Did I mention my hair smells really nice? Like ginger and water lilles.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I don't want to change the world, I am not looking for a New England

So I made myself cry today.

It was a weird feeling to be sort of blubbering in the bathroom at work ..( are you actually shocked that ,on a Saturday, I am at work?? Welcome to my catering life... 165 ppl by myself cause well, that is how I have to roll.)

But back to the blubbering and all its glory.......

As many of you know,( ok sorry for the interuption  again, but when I say many of you , i mean like the 3 ppl that know me , KNOW ME...I am sorry but I know that some of you don't know me that well or only know the small delightful rants I do and such but don't know much of the history or how I became this adorably insane beautiful lass...CATCH UP!) for about 14 years, same age as my youngest..bless his demented soul, I have been hugely  overweight. I am talking OBESE. I am not kidding .I was 320lbs in 2003. Yeah, I actually choke back the anger and tears from that.

Side note....I have my period...like now. So please bear this in mind while reading this.
Oh and so not to have another side note or what , background check here.
I have always had issues with my weight and yes I blame my mom. But I blame her mother first and foremost. She was a piece of work who hated my father and my brother for no reason other than they both stood up to her.But yeah, for as long as I can remember I have been told what to eat and how much and made to feel like food was evil. Thinking back , my god , food was a huge thing in my family. Like it was the center of our life. We all loved it. My mum was a shall we say adventurous cook( eek) but most of the time it was really good food. And holiday time oh dear fuckin GOD!!!!! BEST FOOD EVER!!!!.But her chicken noodle soup sucks.
But funny thing was I was never fat. All through High School I was playing sports like tennis and working in kitchens but I was like 145-150lbs pretty much till after I graduated from college and met my ex husband..

So basically from an early age, I was fucked in regards to my weight in relation with food and my relationship with food in general. I get to how it messed up me mentally later in the show.

And we are back..

So three different times in my life I have tried to lose this gross amount of weight. First time was just after I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce after almost 8 years together and with  a crazy ass version of Atkins where I ate a lot of bacon , grapefruit and salads with ff dressing. I went insane. I am not even kidding you. There was even a study done with this diet that people exhibited schizophrenia characteristics. But did this stop me?? Hell no....bring on more crazy. I did lose weight... about 60 lbs.
But did I mention I was also drinking at this time...or had started to drink and I am not a drinker.

Ok , back on track... Second time was about 6 years ago or so..just before I started this job. I did the nutrisystem and I lost about 100lbs very fast. I did...i swear. But I was a women possessed. I cried at Wegmans because I couldn't find canned fruit cocktail with natural juices. Yeah, I was a mess but I lost 100 lbs and I was to, someone else, beautiful and desirable  and they were proud of me.

4 years ago, I gained all the weight and some back. The worse feeling was I knew I had done it to myself. The stress of my job , of life made me retreat into myself. And that SUCKS!!!! I was
disgusted with myself and instead of actually standing up and doing something about it , I made it
everyone' fault that I was fat. I got angry quickly, horded food and made myself pretty much a fat ugly pig. I am not being shy or such here. I was a mess. Seriously .....really bad news. I dressed badly, wore oversized clothes, cut my hair too short and wore manly shoes...yeah, I was a walking sex GODESS in doc martens.

Two years ago I began to crash. Yes , it can take two years to crash...it happens. Shut up, it's my story.
I just began to really unravel . I thought of killing myself more times than I care to think. I thought of just walking away from my family, my friends etc and just going off by myself. I kept it pretty much inside and ate myself further into blah existence. Everything suffered....EVERYTHING. I couldn't even fake being happy .

Then the bottom fell out.

I had two choices : keeping going as is and keep gaining weight till I couldn't function. Or  pull myself out of the darkness I fell into.

If you haven't guess I went with door number two.

It's been a long time since I have been this happy. It's such a simple thing. I know that many people struggle with weight loss. It is hard, especially in this day and age ,when there is no more normal which is stupid.  What's normal for me is not normal for a women my height but different body frame.
And you might say " well, how are you so different ,smart ass?" Well, I am not actually. I am just a women who got sick of being obese and sick of  feeling well, sick of herself.

I'm  doing it for me and only me. Not to make someone love me or desire me, not so my family can stop feeling pity on me, not for any other reason than because I am worth more to me happy than an
empty shell of a human that I used to be.  I found myself. Not in the hippie sort of way. But in the , " Hey there beautiful. You're wickedly funny. And oh yeah, you're cool and can rock a pencil skirt and
high heels. I remember you! ". I am calm now too. Like weirdly calm. Some how , I have just sort of
found this inner peace that allows me to just be calm...not all the time but more so than not. I am more rational and able to not stress out as quickly. I look at life differently, at people.
(Those playing along...in 4 months I have gone from 263 to 197)
So the other side effect of all this is a new found love of food.  I look at food in awe now I guess.
Even as I cook at work , I look at things a lot different and have gotten very irritable with people who treat food badly.
Lately , I have been doing catering gigs by myself  so I can just cook without others interfering in my mind set. And it's been awesome. Some stuff didn't work out but that's the beauty of cooking. It's a
creative  process.

Ruin is the path to transformation ......

Oh so yeah, the blubbering.
So there I was , going to the bathroom and washing my hands cause well duh. And as I placed my apron back on and looked  up into the full length mirror.......

And began to cry.

Yeah, yeah.  Leave it be.

There is a point here. That food is  something to be taken serious. That the things we take in and consume have effects on our entire well being. That sometimes the stress of life need not be compounded by shoveling cookies or devouring a bag a chips.  I am not getting all preachy.

But where did the pleasure of food go? Where did cooking food well go? I really could write about
American lifestyle counter to that of our euro cousins....huge difference in how they view food andweight. I think I will.

But for fucks sake enjoy your food. It is not the enemy here. You are.

Though I am not saying have sexual relations with your food....even apple pie