Monday, December 10, 2012

You wear guilt like shackles on your feet like a halo in reverse

God I used to feel such huge guilt all the time.
That I had to stretch myself out so thin so I could be everyone's source , everyone's person.
But funny thing is I didn't need to be. Or shouldn't have been. I am not needed the way I assumed I was. It wasn't or is not nessessary to be at work all the time. Or to entertain my kids. Sometimes..... You might want to sit down for this.... I can be just Gretchen. You know funny odd super smart Gretchen. Not chef, not mom etc.

Just me. It's a wild and novel concept for me and one I am think " why the hell didnt I get this years ago".

My brain always said " you have to work hard everyone depends on you" when truthfully no matter what I got paid I have survived and adapted. I work yeah because I like to get paid but I do it because I love to cook. I mean I really fringing love to cook. I really could just ramble on about it. That and music....don't even get me started.
But I can do it anywhere . As long as i have my knives and my bra I am good to go.

So here I am in a position where I could just walk away and be ok with my choice.
But I know because of who I am I won't because I have stopped, breathe and I mean breathe ( you ever take a long hard run and can't catch your breath then do and it's that deep breath... That's what I am talking about) now I am centered again.

Will I ever lose myself in my work again? Nah ... Maybe if I open something up I can see that because its mine all mine( or mine and significant other) but that's different.
Life has taught me a lot of late and one thing is this : no regrets .That just being happy is so much more fun.( a little reality check though.... I am not Mary Poppins...but I have found my smile again and if you personally know me you the significance of that)

But now is just about the joy of cooking and how much messed up things I can create that I can get people to eat.

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