Would I stay here forever and not be satisfied?

I ammmmmm back!

Did you miss me?

I am sure you did. What with holidays and nonsense that ensues during parties and gatherings, I am probably that light......that  joy , you reach for before stumbling into a bed of a bewildered one night stand or annoyed partner/ spouse whose evil eye peers in the dark ,batting at the light of your phone or iPad as you search your feed or twitter for one ounce of the little joy I bring to your lonely life.

Then again   I could just be an amusement ...an added joy to an already joyous life. My part being played as a silent( silent ,she says) nomad that blisters across the tundra of these passing days with words of grace, beauty and above all sillness . Words echoing light and dark , of a past life that was lived in the shadows ; now an arm, a leg , a untangled soul stretched out of a crumpled mess .

So ,here I am again. 

Freshly scrubbed of the years dirt and ready to be bold  in a way that will make you smile. You will feel compelled to speak, to converse, to riddle me with questions that I openly answers .

I will be your 

Maestro 

Athro

Lehrer

Laerer

Sensia

Guru

Or I am just a women with a duck on her head.

But it tastes like warm ,squishy tasteless baby food!!

I don't like soup.

I am very serious. 

Now, I know I am in the minority here just like my distaste for Depeche Mode's apparently best ever Lp , Violator( that is a whole other bag of worms we might or might not wonder into ). But I have never been one to go " Oh gee.  I have a hankering for warm ,gushie baby food".  The idea of it is repulsive. The warmth and the overly softness of the vegetables. Christ, just writing it down makes my reflex muscle go into action. The worst part is I make really, really good soups. But then again. I make really good food in general. But I have a knack for soup making  that has puzzled many over the 30 plus years I have been cooking.

Soup making is like any cooking "style" really. There are certain aspects that need to be observed in order to produce a end product that is not greasy, cooked but not mushy and all very yummy.

Yummy,FYI, is a defined culinary word meaning tastes ,well , yummy.

The biggest mistake people make is using to much "fat" to sauté the mire poix and not drain excess fat from meats that were cooked in the pot. 

Mire poix is basically carrots, onions and celery. It can vary slightly with the substitution of leeks for onions. 99% of all savory dishes have a form of this holy trinity.  It has been around since the dawn of the days and cooking.And no matter what soup you make you will always use these three as the base. 

Other key ideas.....sauté onions and if using, garlic. Cook till light brown in order to bring out the natural sugars . Then add dry herbs and spices and rest of non liquid ingredients. Deglaze with with or vinegar to get all the fond off bottom of pan....

The fond is that sticky , crispy , non burnt particles, on the bottom of the pot. This is flavor as along as it is not burnt.

Then add you stock...simmer, thicken if need be and season with kosher or sea salt and pepper.. Soup on the whole should only take 45 minutes to an hour from start to completion to make...that includes cutting time. It's one of the easiest meals to make and is a super neato way to use leftovers.

I will admit I adore Campbell's chicken noodle...the original only. Don't give me this stars bullahit or Homestyles poo. I want original, overly salty chicken noodle. I also like Harry's clam chowder that you can only get in Washington State. I used to ride the ferries a lot  and would always get some at the little dock stop. So tacky but ohhh so Delish!

I am actually finding that as I get older , my preferences for food is getting sharper. I am to just inhaling foods or not paying attention to what I eat. ..personally at home. But that I am cooking more at home and experimenting with diverse product and condiments.

But sorry.... No way in hell anyone is going to convince me that a big bowl of soup is better than a MR ribeye with au gratin potatoes or a big bowl of udon and duck!

And no , Violator may have Halo but Black Celebration has, well, has all the AWESOME songs!!!!!! That's why it kicks Violator in the backside...any day to night!!!

I am a  weird Depeche fan.... I have a card that says so.

Big knockers

 I have been reading a lot of poetry lately .Two poets that are new to me are Warsan Shire and Andrea Gibson

Warsan's work is amazing..it's hard for me to convay  here how beautiful she strings words together and brings all sorts of emotions to surface. You are drawn into a world of sensuality , darkness and rawness. You almost want to cover your eyes but are compelled to read on because of the richness of her prose.

I highly recommend " Teaching my mother how to give birth" as an introduction.

Below is a beautiful poem

"for women who are 'difficult' to love."

"you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."

Andrea Gibson is similar to Nicole Blackman..." Raw, in your face , fuck you if you don't like ,it deal with it  ... Hold on cause I will see you on the other side "poetry.

---

Her books " Pole Dancing to Gospel Hymns" and " The Madness Vase" are some deep dark bone emotional crushing verses.

http://www.andreagibson.org/poems/ go here to hear her read some of her poetry...

Fourth one down......is just WOW!

Go...didn't I tell you to go? 

Seriously....go be all educated .

You're just a big ball of pork fat and beer

Now , just wait a second....

Ok, what was I actually going to say? Literally have no idea of what the hell I was going to say.

Seriously, I had this whole awesome rant in my head...augh!

Oh yeah....

I miss restaurant work. I miss the crush of the night when the dupes are screaming at you and you're sweating like a  gutted pig. Then a shithead  customer ,who knows nothing about good food ,sends back a perfect beef tenderloin and wants us to basically burn it.

Ummm fuck you the customer is not always right. 

I so hate people who have not taken the time to educate themselves about food, wine, beer etc and then act like super cool hipsters who think dried out steak is awesome.  Food is simple and graceful. There is a beauty and honesty in food. It is not just fuel for us . It's a source of joy and pleasure . It's sinful and ballsy. It as live and destruction all rolled into one.

And not to be a huge dick,but most of you can't cook to save your lives. I mean I am a lazy cook at home but when I cook I am pretty fucking beyond amazing. I can even say that with  a  straight face. What's worse is that I live in an area where i don't even have to try and I am better than 99%. 

My problem is boredom. 

I literally have to entertain myself with thinking stuff up so I can try it just to see if it will work. It's not like I am not occupied by other dumb stuff like paper work...a very evil word to me. It is just I need to entert myself so I won't kill someone there are times when I should just stop but mostly I like to see how far I can go...lol

Right now it's gelato and fresh pasta.....Black pasta and bourbon potato chip gelato....

let the good times roooooooll

Giant sweaty anus or Ode to My Beasties

I have a heavy head. And yes ,I meant beasties.

Well, my head isn't heavy but my brain is . Probably a little extreme on my behalf ,but I do have some artistic license here.

I am sure by now you all know I think..and I think a lot. My friend Dan, who is actually sort of my superior, also is afflicted with this problem. I am beginning to think that certain types of ...people ,passionate people, have this "problem" . We just simple can not turn off our brains. It's not that we can't relax. 

Trust me....this whiskey sour is awesome right now.

It's just our minds refuse to give us rest as we try to sleep. And while I can't speak for anyone else, it's not just work related things....it's everything. I will say one thing though is that I personally don't over think or analyze things like I used to. God, that would just leave me exhausted.

My best friend David thinks that because of my bipolar that my mind simple can't not shut down. That it's on edge all the time, but not as a bad thing. I snorted my wine when he said that and his wife smacked him  ,accusing him of being mean to me. But in essence ,he is on to something. Now mind you when I told him a dream I had about killing myself and then changing my mind he had this crazy ass explanation . Not just simple, I wanted drastic changes in my life but was hesitant at the moment..lol

With the bipolar, your mind races a lot and its hard to just quiet it all down. Some folks get medicine to help and that's perfect. I found it made me want to hurt myself when I was on them and I have tried many( happy pills not like heroin). To each their own. Do what helps you meds,therapy both.

Ohhhhh

So another thing me and David talked about are these apps that tell people where you are. Why can't you just tell people where you are via texting. I mean seriously, are you lost? Shall I send the rescue dogs?

Do you really think people care that your having a cup of tea around the corner from your house? Good job! You were able to get up, get dressed and walk a block for TEA!

I actually just made myself laugh there. Stupid , I say.

So...everyone I think should have a male and female best friend....I for one have it and its actually pretty damn great. My eldest friend is my bf ,Shelly. I have known her for a very,very long time. I was in my early thirties when we meet ...lol I am not anymore. My male is my friend David. David is just as awesome mainly cause he is another chef and has a wife named Michelle. Not the same Michelle but seriously how is that possible . And she drives the same car as me...and their daughter is named with one of my favorite girl names! 

Both BFs are completely nuts like me...in a love able  ,harmless way lol. David and I were fast friends in person  friends. You know when you click with someone... Like not romantically but like.."sweet Jesus he actually gets me" sort of way. This is me and David. Two peas in a pod. It might be cause we are high strung nerd cakes, we just bonded quickly. Of course...two quickly for others not to gossip. I actually turned  on him towards the end. I can't just stop talking to him, I had to just push him hard away. And i hurt him and he Was pissed ..It sucked too. But luckily , when stuff was going a while ago, he came back into my life and made me promise never to be a dick a again...lol. He offered me an exceptional job too. I wish I could take it . It is as close to my ideal job as I could possibly want.

My best gal Shelly is exceptional. She has been the lifeline. If it wasn't for her , I would not be here. She is my anchor and she knows me the best and knows everything. My ex bf didnt even get the really dirty to the core me, only the person I appear to be.

Not much else to say about her. She makes me laugh at myself and she makes me cry too. 

I am sooo tired right now. Work is kicking my ass. I am being told things right now at work and some of it is about me and some about others and I think the latter is what has my head on fire a lot. There is stuff that will be happening soon and I am getting prepared for a role that I will helpfully be asked to assume.

I have read through this post and should probably erase it and the ramblings. But then what the hell is the point then. The blog is about me and my madness as a chef and person. I like my weirdness . I enjoy my quiet soul and my gray roots. The deep lines from years of laughing hard .

You know what.....it's just time to exhale.

Did you hear that? 

I let gas escape my bum...heheheheh 

Good Intentions

Good Intentions

Surrounded by forces I cannot control

With desire to push through 

To the darkness and light as 

Burning pulses my soul

Trapped in a space

In a box

Punch through the air 

With 

Exhausting 

Feverish 

 Intoxicating strength

Gasping for the mighty air streaming down

As it catches my fall

Exiting the shadows

With a leap

And a bound

Of joyous laughter

I was handed

The desire of a new

Has caged me

And I am tied

Happily bound

A restless body hides a peaceful soul....

Sometimes I don't know what to say. I am not sure if it is my mind working overtime or really just an empty void of the moment. 

Despite my outgoing personality, I am actually quite shy. Not in the I never speak to anyone when I am out, I just get quite around new situations and people. I like to watch people and see how they interact and what the mood is before I join in. I have a strong personality that can come off badly, so I do try to be a situational personality sort of girl.

Basically, I am not myself. And you know, it rather sucks.  I don't even think I am actually me with anyone except my best girlfriend and we sort of had to let all the freakness hang out when we spent a week in Mexico together...lol . I don't know if it is a fear or self esteem thing. It could be , who knows. Maybe it's a learned thing because of my job. There is no place for swearing or kitchen talk when dealing with clients , so you have to change yourself. 

Then there is meeting men ( since I am of the lady folk kind). Unless they are cooks or chefs, most are turned off by a strong willed, smart, HOT, bitchy, sarcastic ,geek of a women. So, there is a personality change there. Or maybe I just smell...

But it is tiring to have to keep changing or toning myself down. I was miserable for a long time because I felt I couldn't just be me....I have quirks. I am a strong ,capable person who happens to have a vagina.( a very nice one, I might add and yes, I know  TMF....blah blah.) I am surprisingly very girly too. I like it when a strong man "rescues " me from my stupidity. It feels great to be taken care of in that way. 

....  Or maybe because I turned 42 recently and figured out  that ,while this year I have changed a lot both mentally and physically,the real me has not been fully utilized.

So , instead of whining any further about it, I am just going to be exactly who I am.....

ME!

I think it was the wedding I just catered that has helped push me over the edge a bit. Lots of things went wrong and way to many people chattering. I was just trying to keep everything calm and collective. I was lucky to have a few people on hand that all I had to do is give a look( not a mean or upset one just " you're the smartest person besides me ,please help me" look and they knew what I needed done. ) It went well for us despite no lights, cold and down pour rain, working outside and running food in the mud. But they were a great group and in my 28 years of doing this was my favorite wedding. The wedding planner even said he do my wedding .

(Side note...it was a really awesome wedding that I will do a post about ...waiting for photos from the wedding party..somehow we didn't get any of the food tables. )

I actually feel in love with my passions again. I feel alive and energized because I know I am  pretty damn awesome at my job..... I just needed to cook more.

Creating something out of bits of pieces .....without thinking, just doing, this is what separates people who cook and people who cook with passion.

I leave you with this .... I was actually sent this last week...it literally made me LOL