Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It's not you but it is definitily not ME......

I am insecure….I admit it. I have an ego but while it is nice to have it stroked I don’t seek it out nor do I care if people  like something I have prepared that I am really proud of( ok sure it is NICE they enjoy my food like I do but sometimes their enjoyment is second to my own pleasure at doing something new).

And I get mad at people, who think it is a good idea when I am upset about something , to tell me I shouldn’t be upset because it  effects my team in a negative way. Because of course YOU have worked for me for years and worked with my team , so of course you know how they are feeling. I am not fond of other chefs. I am especially not fond of other sous or even executive chefs who waltz in and think they own the joint and start changing the menu without asking or the very,very least saying something to me about changing my flavor profile.
I am a lot of things wrong, but when it comes to flavors , not with standing the ONE time I made Tequila Shrimp and it was some kinda of awful, I know my flavors and I enjoy simple, clean and crispy flavors that are also unexpected at times. I am not here to reinvent the basil plant, but I do know what I am doing.
And DON’T think because you’re young and full of piss and vinegar you can take over my operation….i will beat your ass down quickly. And if you are so bold, you better do shit right and not overcook my sugar snaps or put my tenderloin in the fridge after searing it before cooking it(still shaking my head)…especially when the big wigs are standing right there.

But I am still insecure….not about my abilities but on how I am preserved I guess. Of late I have been tired and just feeling lethargic….mostly cause I am tired and overweight I think. But mentally slow too.

And this new chef is driving me nuts. I guess it is actually mostly me because I don’t know how to handle ,not only men as friends, but the notion that someone new WANTS to be my friend(  I am complicated even when I am not). I am not even sure why I am writing this…maybe to just have it out on paper to see where the insane brain is going. I know in the beginning I thought more of him then he I and now , while I like him and find him funny and a good chef friend, that is all it is….chef friend. We wont be hanging out or doing stuff together with our families as my little stupid head imagined . And I have issues I guess with our friendship in general. Like I am a texter….i like to text stupid shit even when I am busy. But I also like people to be the ones to start the conversation sometimes..otherwise I feel needy and stalkerish if I am the only one interested in talking. My best friend in the world and I are famous in my household for the number of texts we have between us in a month. It’s because I see her once a year or so…the contact makes me feel and I am sure her too, that we are a part of each other’s lives. But I don’t feel this way with this boy( and he is a boy) He also tries to hard to get inside my head. My head in hard and stubborn and resists everything till it is ready. It is not the best method of dealing but I rather not speak than scream like typical chefs. My brain likes to slow down and think what went wrong , where did I fail and why am I making Gretchen(me) feel this way…

Yes my brain speaks….Doesnt’ Yours?

But enough of him…let me just end that part with saying I like him he likes me but work friends is all it will be until he gets his head out of his ass..but I am not one to wait around and see if that happens…mama got shit to do.

So to top everything off I am getting uppity about my company pushing a sous chef on me, from the outside and not promoting from the group within. But they don’t let me know the whys of shit and frankly I am not going to get into it. But I am certainly not going to hire any yahoo. But my gut says I will be forced to hire someone I am not keen on. The applications thus far …nothing screams woohooo to me but it might be because I am annoyed about the whole thing.

AGAIN….I have
The insecurity is shining through that maybe I am not doing a good job and that maybe I am a lazy chef. This year has been tough like the others. I can never catch a break in the beginning  of the year it seems and when I get geared up to make changes the following semester I get swamped with catering. This is WHY I need a sous chef…so they can deal with some of the BS I just don’t want to anymore. I need someone that can spy on the staff for me and help me get the info I need to fire people. Plus with a sous I can work at the other dining hall more.

But I am not whining about any of it. I personally hate behind the scenes bullshit and think people need to be upfront and honest. Then there would be no cocky chefs, insecure chefs or bitch chefs.
Well , I doubt we get rid of cocky chefs …part of the charm of male chefs is their cocky attitudes but I have to say there is cocky and then there is being a cock….lol

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