Saturday, March 2, 2013

I don't want to change the world, I am not looking for a New England

So I made myself cry today.

It was a weird feeling to be sort of blubbering in the bathroom at work ..( are you actually shocked that ,on a Saturday, I am at work?? Welcome to my catering life... 165 ppl by myself cause well, that is how I have to roll.)

But back to the blubbering and all its glory.......

As many of you know,( ok sorry for the interuption  again, but when I say many of you , i mean like the 3 ppl that know me , KNOW ME...I am sorry but I know that some of you don't know me that well or only know the small delightful rants I do and such but don't know much of the history or how I became this adorably insane beautiful lass...CATCH UP!) for about 14 years, same age as my youngest..bless his demented soul, I have been hugely  overweight. I am talking OBESE. I am not kidding .I was 320lbs in 2003. Yeah, I actually choke back the anger and tears from that.

Side note....I have my now. So please bear this in mind while reading this.
Oh and so not to have another side note or what , background check here.
I have always had issues with my weight and yes I blame my mom. But I blame her mother first and foremost. She was a piece of work who hated my father and my brother for no reason other than they both stood up to her.But yeah, for as long as I can remember I have been told what to eat and how much and made to feel like food was evil. Thinking back , my god , food was a huge thing in my family. Like it was the center of our life. We all loved it. My mum was a shall we say adventurous cook( eek) but most of the time it was really good food. And holiday time oh dear fuckin GOD!!!!! BEST FOOD EVER!!!!.But her chicken noodle soup sucks.
But funny thing was I was never fat. All through High School I was playing sports like tennis and working in kitchens but I was like 145-150lbs pretty much till after I graduated from college and met my ex husband..

So basically from an early age, I was fucked in regards to my weight in relation with food and my relationship with food in general. I get to how it messed up me mentally later in the show.

And we are back..

So three different times in my life I have tried to lose this gross amount of weight. First time was just after I told my ex husband I wanted a divorce after almost 8 years together and with  a crazy ass version of Atkins where I ate a lot of bacon , grapefruit and salads with ff dressing. I went insane. I am not even kidding you. There was even a study done with this diet that people exhibited schizophrenia characteristics. But did this stop me?? Hell no....bring on more crazy. I did lose weight... about 60 lbs.
But did I mention I was also drinking at this time...or had started to drink and I am not a drinker.

Ok , back on track... Second time was about 6 years ago or so..just before I started this job. I did the nutrisystem and I lost about 100lbs very fast. I did...i swear. But I was a women possessed. I cried at Wegmans because I couldn't find canned fruit cocktail with natural juices. Yeah, I was a mess but I lost 100 lbs and I was to, someone else, beautiful and desirable  and they were proud of me.

4 years ago, I gained all the weight and some back. The worse feeling was I knew I had done it to myself. The stress of my job , of life made me retreat into myself. And that SUCKS!!!! I was
disgusted with myself and instead of actually standing up and doing something about it , I made it
everyone' fault that I was fat. I got angry quickly, horded food and made myself pretty much a fat ugly pig. I am not being shy or such here. I was a mess. Seriously .....really bad news. I dressed badly, wore oversized clothes, cut my hair too short and wore manly shoes...yeah, I was a walking sex GODESS in doc martens.

Two years ago I began to crash. Yes , it can take two years to happens. Shut up, it's my story.
I just began to really unravel . I thought of killing myself more times than I care to think. I thought of just walking away from my family, my friends etc and just going off by myself. I kept it pretty much inside and ate myself further into blah existence. Everything suffered....EVERYTHING. I couldn't even fake being happy .

Then the bottom fell out.

I had two choices : keeping going as is and keep gaining weight till I couldn't function. Or  pull myself out of the darkness I fell into.

If you haven't guess I went with door number two.

It's been a long time since I have been this happy. It's such a simple thing. I know that many people struggle with weight loss. It is hard, especially in this day and age ,when there is no more normal which is stupid.  What's normal for me is not normal for a women my height but different body frame.
And you might say " well, how are you so different ,smart ass?" Well, I am not actually. I am just a women who got sick of being obese and sick of  feeling well, sick of herself.

I'm  doing it for me and only me. Not to make someone love me or desire me, not so my family can stop feeling pity on me, not for any other reason than because I am worth more to me happy than an
empty shell of a human that I used to be.  I found myself. Not in the hippie sort of way. But in the , " Hey there beautiful. You're wickedly funny. And oh yeah, you're cool and can rock a pencil skirt and
high heels. I remember you! ". I am calm now too. Like weirdly calm. Some how , I have just sort of
found this inner peace that allows me to just be calm...not all the time but more so than not. I am more rational and able to not stress out as quickly. I look at life differently, at people.
(Those playing 4 months I have gone from 263 to 197)
So the other side effect of all this is a new found love of food.  I look at food in awe now I guess.
Even as I cook at work , I look at things a lot different and have gotten very irritable with people who treat food badly.
Lately , I have been doing catering gigs by myself  so I can just cook without others interfering in my mind set. And it's been awesome. Some stuff didn't work out but that's the beauty of cooking. It's a
creative  process.

Ruin is the path to transformation ......

Oh so yeah, the blubbering.
So there I was , going to the bathroom and washing my hands cause well duh. And as I placed my apron back on and looked  up into the full length mirror.......

And began to cry.

Yeah, yeah.  Leave it be.

There is a point here. That food is  something to be taken serious. That the things we take in and consume have effects on our entire well being. That sometimes the stress of life need not be compounded by shoveling cookies or devouring a bag a chips.  I am not getting all preachy.

But where did the pleasure of food go? Where did cooking food well go? I really could write about
American lifestyle counter to that of our euro cousins....huge difference in how they view food andweight. I think I will.

But for fucks sake enjoy your food. It is not the enemy here. You are.

Though I am not saying have sexual relations with your food....even apple pie


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