Your quiet eyes won't sleep tonight

I have to say.... I am impressing myself on how really awesome I am at cooking.

Ok , I am sure your scratching your head and going, " Are you on crack? Are you not the women who says she can cook circles around anyone and how you have forgotten more than our sous chefs will ever know?"

Yes yes.....point? ( and yes, I Am talking to myself. But in my defense , I am talking to you  just in my head and answering for you to . By the way ,you are very nice, smell awesome and have great taste in beer.)

Back to the conversation at hand..... I have come to bring my own truths about myself lately as you have bared witness too. In them , I accept that I have crappy off days and I am unhappy on how whole meals though usually only aspects of the meal turn out as what I lovely refer to as tequila shrimp taco bad.
So when I am on....wooooooooooooooooooaoooohoooooooooooo BABY! I am on FIRE!

Look

You have seen other pictures ...then there are these. I wasn't happy with that pink dressing which is tomato cucumber. Obviously it needed to be RED not blush.
I was going to put up the presidents dinner but the sauce au natural is missing and it doesn't look as good. But my god it was heaven! I made beef stroganoff with tenderloin today for the soccer team at school.. The secret is nutmeg and a little dill.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


I was talking with the catering director today about cooking styles and other chefs . He brought up a chef he knows that was trained in France and is all about fresh and local etc. my first thought was why did you come back and second , back to small town NYS. But t got in my head again about fresh ,local ingredients .
I'll never be able to do what I want at my current job in this regard. It's sad that I can bring local foods in because they cost to much to justify it.
So, that is why I am now writing my business plan for my own set up.

But that's already been started ....it's a bit out there and I am not entirely sure it will be a viable business .i have been thinking about it for two or so years now. I made notes and did research on it too. To just place all duckies in a row. I scraped a lot of ideas, lie  awake for days ...weeks at night, just thinking and planning in my head. Now it's time to write and draw the plan out.
I found out there is a lot more planning to do than I realize and since I am doing it on my own, I need to slow it down so i am not over looking so when I send it to the money makers ...I have dotted all t's etc etc. So much to think about and plan for.


My idea is great I think and semi original but that's ok right?
Every time I think of the word plagiarizing , Cemetery Gates By the Smithes ,pops into my head.

Ohhhhhh bullshit I call

Why do people or why are people all weird lately!?



Oi!!!! All you write a Damn comment!


Rants and raves.........

Soon..... Very soon

Rants of Amadeus women

Spell check is stupid on an iPad ,I swear. That was suppose to be something slightly different , but what the hell.
So it's almost 2am.... Bars are closing ..

I am home on my second gin and tonic , the house is quiet for once. This week , well it's been a week that has tested my abilities as a chef. It has tested me period.

I think I have come out ahead but I am sure I have paid some sort of price.
Here in lies the problem.

Every move requires a price to pay. Some big some small...all will effect the ultimate outcome. I think I play the game well because I keep not my interests up front I keep my staffs  first and foremost.
I don't know how well of a leader that makes me but ultimately that is only my business or problem.
I believe in me well enough that I am doing the utmost best or my staff and my company.

Right now though, I am dealing with issues and rouge staff and those who confuse friendship with the dynamics of the kitchen. Don't ever think you can talk down to me as if I am dumb.
I have forgotten more than most cooks will ever even dream of. My mind works fast and furious and leaves no prisoners .


Have I mentioned I almost lost my shit on my helicopter this week? Oh yeah! One small " just smile " comment and I almost tore into him...BIG TIME. Thankfully I was on my way to cocktail meeting! Cock massacre everted .

I so don't want to work today ! I just want to sit home cook some kick ass food ,drink and watch soccer....but I guess a soccer banquet does the same.....right?


Oh more later.....just need another drink.



Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah grrrrrrrrr


I want to go to the old pink on Saturday ......anyone ??? ;)

Kafka has left the building......

So rather than go on about the ongoing sage of stupidity at work, I thought I just rattle what's going on in my head.
Lets face it , it is probably more amusing .


So like what does platypus taste like? Is is like a wet duck? Would it be dark meat or light?

And who would seriously pay $ 27 for a lobster roll that only came with a bag of crappy cap cod chips? Blah

Why do people( mostly men... Sorry guys) always salt, pepper or otherwise attack food with extra seasoning or worse hot sauce before actually tasting their food? Was your mothers,girlfriends or wife's cooking suck that bad you have to cover it up? I had someone COVER shepherds pie with sweet and spicy chili sauce...before trying either one!

Skittles do not taste like a rainbow

There is nothing wrong with potato chip gelato but there is with cool ranch Doritos gelato.

It's is OK not to have red meat,poultry or pork every day. You can find very yummy vegetarian food that is shock,horror  oh I don't know HEALTHY! Very frustrating part of my job is to convince a young adult that change in their diet this small is better in the long run.

New comforter makes me want to stay in bed

I dislike NYS . Not because of the winter or even the people. I dislike the general overall feeling I get from living here. It's like the whole state is afraid of change or moving forward .  There are amazing aspects to it but those are so small . And I dare  say you could find the same great parts in better states. I ran away once and will sooner than later I think .

As much as I am not fond of chicken,I really love marinated grilled chicken.

I am a hippie that is ambitious. Can that even make sense?

I really hate food trends. Why the hell do I want to be a part of something that is a flash in the pan.? I want to create my own longevity .

I really want a beer right now....forgot to pick some up tonight. I want a really crisp IPA and a nice steak  fresh from the grill with grilled garlic asparagus  and crispy roasted potatoes .

Why are there soooooo many types of laundry detergent!!!!!!

Fabric softener makes my skin crawl

I figured out I don't mind critiques of my food but you better be able to back it up and not just be negative or I will call you out.
And that I don't like or appreciate being bitched at by a helicopter boss. Mostly because its just bitching with no real explanation." It's why are you doing this?" Is what i get instead of "oh shit we  didn't think this through but you have to fix it."   Yeah, thanks for that big boys .

I am enjoying being silly .

Yesterday I addressed myself as an overweight women not as a fat girl. That little sentence sums up
so much for me ..I honestly don't think even those who are or think they are close to me realize what

saying it even out loud ...what it ...what freedom..what a release  it is to put such things in perspective . I say it with pride joy,sadness but most of all because I will never be a fat girl again.

I really want a carrot cake truffle ball right now...
Though I also want a massage too

I really don't like Americanized " foreign" food. I really wish is small towns , there were better ethnic foods . People need to embrace food cultures . Wars would never happen if you just break bread.



Everyone should see a therapist . I mean it... Mine is great. He lets me  talk I all need to then basically pushes me to figure out the patterns that are wrong and helps me with basically becoming G 3.0 version. Talking to him....he is the first person in a long time who has made me feel ok that I can drop my walls .
Wow that was a little deep.......





I don't want to ever try eyeballs ....
That's just so weird.



   

Ohhhhhh one more thing before lunch..

I have been listening to a lot of Pink,Pop Will Eat Itself and Violent Femmes lately ..



This has to mean something,right?





Anyone ???

Crave

So I am at work....... Yeah I am at work, writing in my blog ,contemplating whether or not I want to stay in the one dining hall or go back to the other.  This is the big issue in my day right now.

I have been so serious with this journal lately . It is sort of pissing me off. But that is work life right now. Everything is sort of messed up and not one person higher than me wants to own up to it. But I am and then I get to take on the problems they created . But as they say shit rolls down hill.
Now don't get the impression that I am whining or complaining here. Trust me ,talk to some of the people that work here and you know what I say is true.

The place is not happy anymore. We have happy moments when we joke and sing and talk dirty . But on the whole we are all going through the motions.

So that has to change.

I am not one to just get by with this sort of sadness and depressing situation.

So that is what we are going to do even if it kills us...by kill us I mean me getting fired... We are going to have fun, do what we want and above all sing off key while making fantastic food.

I mean seriously who doesn't love watching a 41 year old chef sing off key to Air Supply!?
I take requests for both food and songs...



Money too.



Oh and beer.

Won't you please come talk to me.......

I think people in general are missing a very basic skill: talking
Now ,ok , we all talk....I get it.

But does anyone really TALK and for that matter do we listen?
I know I used to talk .... A lot. About what ,I am really not sure. Probably about work and stuff related to it. And I probably talked way to much about it.
I have found myself trying to be a listener of late. It's not as easy as you think. I think even good listeners find it hard to have to concentrate on the nonsense we as humans rattle on about. I know at times I have been a bad listener . It's is something I actively try to do: just shut up and not say anything till I need to not when I want too.

Whatever happen to long into the night conversations about nothing but what popped into your head?
Why do we let work and life interfer with the basic need to connect to one another through talking...mutal.
Why is it people only really talk during crises or when one person has had a long day. But even then it's short and glossed over.
Why not just put the remote, the phone,the computer away....grab a few beers and just talk...both of you. I prefer one on ones because I like givening my attention to one person....but that's me. I adore sitting on the porch.....no kids... Just a fridge full of beer,music in the background, food on the grill and (insert favorite person)to talk to.



Mind you ,this has Nothing to do with what I really want to talk about.....





It's time to get myself fired.


But that's for Tuesday...I am tired and I have to deal with a one on one with my boss Tuesday . I really don't want to because I honestly don't care what he has to say anymore. But that's for tomorrow.



Here is some food porn and Elderflower drink which is my new favorite thing

Sylvia Plath I am not...

But I do write....I have been writing poems on and off for years. Here are some .

So it has come 

A weak flower,blistering in the scarlet heat 

Streams of sun float and bounce along

As the air of the new dawn cascades 

It tiptoes across my face

Dancing a merry tune so sweetly

Pushing past the darkness that came to feast

Upon my tender soul

Embracing me 

Taking me
To the place I long to be

Allowing me to finally be free

You look upon me with eyes of sad pools of yesterday

Searching for the moment 

The time when my whisper will set you free

The grieving you do is not for me or us

You feel not of that but of a shallow place within 

Tears stain a face that cares for none

A heart did not break but broke one

Chasing a dream finding only fleeting moments of nothing

Never catching what was already there

Time is slowly taking its toll

Stretching out thin,to the point of tearing

Days drift rapidly 

Waiting for no one 

Waiting for nothing

Catching its breath to make it slow down

Life gets engulfed ,trying to stay ahead

Lost in the tide of time 

To be forgotten 

To become nothing more.

The crisp air fills our lungs 

As we slowly move along the street

The withering trees banish their children to the ground

Leaps and bounds dying souls fall

Their crimson bodies break  beneath our  steps

We huddle together ,wondering

Waiting for the same fate

Happy to hold on to aged hands

Till the last leaf has fallen

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

I have to wonder how anything gets done at work . It's not that there are incompetent people around me..... Well that's not entirely true. But that's i suppose all in the beholder and I am sure there are some that think I am ( complete bullshit I might add)
But this week has thrown my kitchen into a tailspin that is nothing short of epic melt down of communication and crossing of lines.

What seems to be happening is that one of our managers,the GM, is in basic essence over stepping himself in my kitchen. But I believe in its basic manner, he is just trying to help. But the approach is pissing us off and breaking down the staff  moral we have taken care to build.

My sous N and I are trying to organize things and bring stuff to a good place where we are making food our guests enjoy and it's what they actually want. It's been a rough week though. Short staffed in cooks and dishwasher just puts more pressure and more problems. On top of it , I am being taking away from the kitchen to do other stuff,leaving N on his own with the GM who seems a little hell bent on proving him wrong.
Problem I see is the GM thinks that even I HAVE to listen to him.

Lol yeah, not.

I listen to all opinions given to me. But in the end it's all on me...everything food is on me.
And honestly with the GM messing about and coming changing stuff telling staff how to cook and portioning without even SPEAKING to one of us is crap.
Right now me and N are getting the short end of the stick and N is getting it harder in someways. His job was threaten today and that's crap. That's a big WHO the FUCK do YOU think YOU are????!!!
N is my employee and while he is stubborn and blockheaded,I trust him enough to know that even if I tell him to do something my way and he disagrees he will just to see if I am right cause if I am not he loves to say he was right.....it's more charming than it sounds because honestly I mostly do it to get under his skin and accept others people's way of doing something. I am more lets get a good end result. How he gets there and how I get there sometimes are different as long as we get there.

But don't you dare threaten my sous job! You do that you're threatening me and my job! I fought for N because he is smart and able. Like I said sometimes a bit " i know better" but that's more because we have a job to do and we can't stand still and be the same old crap.

So my job is to protect N and protect my staff. If I lose my job over it,then so be it. I have a career last I looked....I just happen to have a job here with it. I am lucky to be very smart and know my self worth and right now,I have a life worth living without all this mindless bullshit. I have earned the right to be able to do my job....just let me do my job the way I know how to do it...JUST LET me DO  IT!

I have a lot to think about over the weekend and a lot to write up so that I can speak what I need to say without interruption.

N and I had a few long talks today about everything and in the middle of it I did have to point out things that were wrong when I arrived during lunch and dinner service; i was helping the other dining hall with a special. But because of who I am and  in my own growth, conveying it to him wasn't hostile or bitchy or condescending.
I think he understood me better and that above all I did trust him to run the kitchen when I am not there. But only him.
I have his back.....I always will.

One last  thing that really is annoying about the GM :his flippant actions on how to correct something. If you're going to criticize the food and change it ,you better fucking make sure it's 5 star better not cafeteria crap "better". I will beat you down for that !










So...two chefs walk out of dining hall with ducks on their heads...........